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Avatar universal

Bulimia/Anorexia

Hello:)
I am 17 years old and was diagnosed as anorexic 18 months ago and started recieving treatment.
I have been in a nasty cycle of restrictive and purging behaviour since I was around 13, but in the past two years I have been primarily restricting, resulting in my weight dropping significantly. It has taken over my life...a bittersweet existance where I now hate the eating disorder, yet cannot live without it. My friends do not know the severity of my condition as I am embarrassed. My family force me to eat...they make it sound easy.
Lately my cousellor/dietician have both mentioned inpatient treatment which scares me. I dont want them to have total control, and the idea of gaining wieght makes me terrified.
At the moment I am recieving "day patient" treatment, where I go to hospital early until late and attend groups/individual therapy at least 4 days a week. I hate even this.
Please help, I feel so lost and sad. I dont know what to do anymore....
Thankyou
8 Responses
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Avatar universal
I'm sorry you are struggling so much with your eating disorder and feeling lost and sad. Do you feel the day patient treatment is helping, even a little? Has your therapist considered the possibility of putting you on medication? Eating disorders can take over your life and treatment is not easy, but it is SO worth it to get your life back. Don't give up. As for the inpatient treatment, your counselor and dietician may be concerned about your well-being and may feel that you need a more intensive environment. You talk about them having total control, but it sounds like your parents already have some control by forcing you to eat, and they may not understand as well as the staff of a program will. Also, the control is in your hand to agree to going into the program. I currently have 16 years recovery from a lifelong eating disorder and I can't tell you how good it is to live my life free of that obsession! But I waited to get into recovery till I was much older than you. You have the rest of your life to live, but first you need to get recovery. Then you can do all the things you would like to in life!
Helpful - 0
1311328 tn?1273665692
Sweetheart, You will be placed in a hospital for longer than that if You continue not to eat and You will be forced to eat through a Nasogastric tube which You will gain a lot more weight from if You continue not to eat.
I know that it can take over Your mind and it can make You feel horrible and it is difficult. I have been in hospital with Anorexia in the past for Five months and it was a horrible time, I had no control at all and was sedated if I tried removing the tube. It is so much easier to fight this and eat on your own than to feel powerless altogether.
The thoughts might leave and might not but you can fight this and can be strong. Make an effort start with fruit trust me it is a lot better than the next steps. Thinking of You
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Thankyou both for answering:)
I feel that day patient groups etc do help while I am in the hospital, but as soon as I leave it is back to old ways. I do not want to change...but physically my body cannot handle it anymore.
My biggest fear is the feeding tube:( they allready have me on those horrible suppliment drinks...
I do feel like trying somedays, and others I would rather die. It is ironic that this search for control ultimately leads to you being so out of control.
Anyway enough of my rambles! Thankyou for responding! xx
Helpful - 0
1311328 tn?1273665692
You are more than welcome, You can message me Anytime You feel You need to talk or post which ever is easier.
Only a person who has truly suffered an Eating Disorder can understand the control it has over ones mind. You can fight this, You seem like a strong girl.
Your not rambling this post was made for You to talk and let it all out if You need to, go ahead write as much as You need.
x
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
<3 thankyou.
It does help to speak to somebody who can associate...I think that is the main benefit of hospital, that you realise that you are not alone. I have met some great girls there, but hate the staff so much!
I look like a little girl, have never had a period, am cold all of the time...it goes on and on. And if I go on the way I am, I know I will die or be forced into hospital. But nobody knows any of this, I have a painted  face that I put on just so people think I am coping...doing allright. I am always there for people, they expect me to be "happy", so that is what I must be for them...you know? I guess somewhere along the line I lost who I was and became what people expected of me.
It feels as though there is a constant battle in my head...I am caught in a limbo where I can never win. If I eat, I fail the eating disorder. If I dont eat, I fail 'recovery'...It is just neverending... :(
xx
Helpful - 0
1311328 tn?1273665692
I understand, it is such a difficult situation especially when no one is understanding why You are going through this and everyone is just trying to force you to eat.
There are some great girls in hospital but I think some times you have to be careful because at the end of the day you're both suffering the disease and you need encouragement from people not going through it at the same time as you. They're great but just try not to block out everyone else around You.
I understand how you feel and I am glad that it helps you to talk anytime you want to talk you can message me
x
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Thankyou sweetie <3 I  hope things are well with you! And if you ever need to chat/want some advice/just need to rant all you need to do is message me!
xx
Helpful - 0
1311328 tn?1273665692
Thank You Hunni,
Things are well for me and Likewise with You you can message me anytime, don't hesitate. I want you to be able to overcome this and I believe You can.
Xx
Helpful - 0
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