Eating disorder recovery

[LaLa4]

This is the first mention of mine that this has been an issue for me in close to 20 years.  But I'm at point that I don't really want to tell my loved ones an put them thru that but I'm acknowledging I need help.  Even tho I've been thru this before I don't know where to go/what to do.  It's crept up on me the last few months. I live in a pArt of the country where size is paramount and my friends who Are fabulous, all of them run marathons and are obsessed with nutrition.  I'm meant to be a laid back person but I can't in this atmosphere. But these are my friends and family and this is home. Anyway I struggled in my teens and early 20s with bulimia and conquered it largely I thought with the occasional non severe reappearance.  But the last few months it's becoming reminiscent of what it was at its worst. And I think I need help but I don't want to tell anyone that personally and don't know who can really help me at this point anyway (been thru therapy losts...maybe a nutritionist?).  I'm losing reality on what my body actually looks like, I'm losing concept of eating appropriately and what full means, things I haven't screwed up in years. I'm 5'9" and weigh about 125 but look 10x bigger to myself, I have no concept of anything! I know I could say more but this is my first attemp to reach out for help and I want to see what anyone's thoughts are first. Thank you so very much for listening, and hopefully responding. I'm hoping you are doing better than I !