This emotional eating stuff is very frustrating and very confusing.
Since my doctors appointment on Wednesday I have stopped eating. This stop/ start, up/ down stuff is very confusing (and exhausting).
I expect this is my way of trying to grapple control back. Especially when my external world is in such disarray.
I am embarrassed because I have even started splitting forums.
I was thinking about your comment on responsibility earlier. It almost seems that I can take responsibility for some things, but not completely. Maybe feeling damaged in some areas, but not others, accounts for this? Is it even possible to take responsibility (to grow) when so much is about survival?
I am having a very difficult time at the moment and feel things are getting worse. How can I put the brakes on this? I am only managing to stay afloat because of my weekly GP appointment and posting here (or there).
I was given a 250 page book on sleep to read this week. I felt I could do that. I felt guilty I wasn't reading yours but would read theirs. After my doctors appointment I have disengaged though. I haven't read either.
What do you think is causing me to procrastinate about reading your book? Am I afraid about taking good stuff in or am I just plain scared about trying and failing? Or seeing things in myself I'm not ready to see or understand?
I am frustrated that the more I want something the further it seems to move away. I just seem to be losing so much ground (and seemingly so quick at the moment) and I either feel nothing or emotionally raw.
I was also wondering about reducing caffeine intake. It increased dramatically after seeing another doctor last year. I think drinking tea is something I do to self-soothe or nurture myself. I'm not sure exacting how many I'm drinking at the moment. It's my sole fluid intake (minus water I cup in my hand and drink when at a tap -which is probably another compulsive thing I do).
It would be helpful to you to banish the word " damaged" from your vocabulary. You may have been challenged by difficulties, but you are not damaged...there is nothing that can not be repaired.
You should also keep in mind that if you keep a perspective that there is nothing in your mind to be afraid of....there are only thoughts, feelings and memories...all of which are pieces of information created by your brain...no mystery, just real stuff to be understood.
caffeine is a stimulant and can make anxiety worse, so stopping it is a good idea, and all at once is fine.
I think I meant to use the word 'deficits' but then again maybe I didn't.
Maybe I wasn't entirely comfortable with letting the word go, especially when I have so many real and perceived difficulties.
Repairing takes time (regardless of what it is being repaired).
I think you're probably right. At times I wonder if there is anything in my head at all.
Thoughts, feelings and memories. Pieces of information created by my brain. Tangible stuff I can work with.
Nothing to be afraid of.
I felt real fear a week ago and remembered what you'd said in a previous post to another member. Instead of running from it, like I was going to, I stayed and confronted it.
I have been feeling very uncontained and having been using these forums to help with the issue. I think I have found all the combined issues too much to cope with and have felt overwhelmed.
Flashbacks seem to be creating the most distress as well as the perceived lack of space. Needing to stay ahead of the plasterers too and shifting things is also triggering memories from childhood, etc. Also having my father walk in front of me naked while I was eating breakfast was distasteful.
I use structure to try and organize things but my attempts seem mostly in vain.
My boundaries are often disrespected here
I was drinking two plus litres of water when having radiation and was feeling better for it.
I might try 1.5 L to start with.
I have been feeling slightly better too since stopping the zopiclone (although I took .5 of 7.5 mg last night as I'm still not sleeping very well).
I need to go as the plasterers have arrived. I need to pack up the computer and then go and feed out (feed the animals. I've been a bit remiss this morning).
I have my first 'therapy' session with the psychology adviser today and prior to that I see my GP.
Thank you so much for all your time, feedback and support -I've really appreciated it. (And I expect, will continue to access it).
My new T was away today so no therapy. It's not a good start.
My GP said I was addicted to caffeine. He was surprised by my tea intake.
He thought it best to continue for several days to get a baseline reading and then halve my intake. He was concerned about the affect stopping all at once would have on my mood.
I wonder if this is responsible for my repetitive behavior?
It makes some things more understandable. Like why I was so anxious during radiation, etc.
I was wondering where intuition came into the mix. Perhaps that is based on subconscious thoughts, feelings and memories?
[One doctor I saw said he used himself as a diagnostic tool. He told me he felt 'chipper' so I was depressed. Beats having bipolar. He was a very rude and anxious/ obnoxious Texan doctor who loathed our laws. His intention had been to stay in our country. I'm not particularly sad about his leaving. He was the doctor who lectured me about risk matrix's. Back to my original post. Too much information.]
I think stopping (or limiting -to ?3 c) may be my goal. I might wait until after I see the surgeon on Thursday. I am already anxious about the physical exam, etc.
I have nothing to be afraid of, therefore nothing to be anxious about.
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