[trigger warnings: disordered eating, weight, body image, self harm, weight loss, medication]
hello all. The title really says it all but I've got a little background info to share...
i've been fat all my life. I dont think, even at my lightest that I had ever reached a non-overweight size. currently, at 5'0", though you wouldnt really believe it to see it, I weigh about 200lbs. my lightest, at the end of my first bout with anorexia, i managed to get from 190 to under 140, which was amazing. I'm not saying the means justify the ends, but when I was skinny, my body felt more like a luxury sports car than a durable and homey suv... if that makes any sense. This first bout wasn't nearly as rigid and controlling as later on, but I did lose a lot of weight in a very small amount of time. when I got to college, a year or so later, i started gaining back everything i lost. in the two years since, I upped four pants sizes and gained back fifty pounds (which i had lost in 8 months) and then some. during that first semester in college, I had a massive relapse and cracked down hard on my eating. i monitored every calorie and overexerted myself at the gym two to three times a week. yet, i only managed to keep packing on the pounds. (something i think is due to my thyroid, and even though the tests quite some time later came back normal, i'm not convinced i don't have hypothyroidism, as i remember it being mentioned by a doctor when i was a kid). I gave up and have been clean both from restricted eating and self harm for a year and a half now.
i've come to love my body very much and i accept that I'm just naturally fat (though the asthma steroids didn't help as a kid) but lately i've been developing a bit of a dichotomy in my mind. i love my body, but i miss being thin like i miss a best friend. but i don't want to relapse, and i want to stay healthy and happy. if I could just lose twenty pounds, i'd feel so much better.
just this week I started going to the gym again, never more than for a total of two hours a week, and taking it slow because the cheaper meds don't help my asthma as much as the ones i prefer... i make a point to try to eat healthy, but i do have a massive sweet tooth and a decently large appetite. I'm looking into seeing a nutritionist, granted I am able to see one through my school health services.
sorry this got really sidetracked ^-^;; i just really want to know if there's any hope of not triggering my ED but still dropping a few pounds.