I've faced the fact i've got a disorder, but don't know what to do next?

[Charlotte_93]

Okay, it's a long story but i need help.

Basically, around June of last year I had decided to loose weight because i was severly overweight and was un happy about myself. I had literally just turned 15 when this happened, i felt i needed to do this to change my life around and stop hating my body. Although overall i was a very outgoing person and fun to be with, i always put on a front and everyone thought i was happy with myself. Anyway, back to the problem, everything was going good to start with, for the first 2 weeks i cut my calorie intake to 800 calories a day. And lost a stone and a half (21 pounds) Then i split with my boyfriend i had for 18 months because i found out he cheated on me and he treated me bad (physically), he felt the need to say things like "Your so fat! You're not going to get anyone because they wouldn't want you so there's not point in spliting with me" "Fat *****, Ugly *****" etc.  Then after that it was 600, then 500, then 250, 100, etc. I had felt the need to prove him wrong as he'd hurt me so much.
I lost weight almost instantly! Even though this sounds bad, it wasn't the worst.. i mean every weke perhaps i'd have a chocolate bar to treat myself or something Although i would be very tiered, it felt great people complimenting me. Eventually, by the end of August i had lost approx. 2 and a half stone (35 pounds). I started my final year in school in September and loved the attention i got. In a matter of two weeks i then lost a stone (14 pounds) for a party upcoming, more attention. After that i felt i had reached my goal weight, everyone told me i shouldn't loose anymore weight or i'll be too thin. I felt this too but there was always this desire telling me to loose more and more weight. I couldn't stop weighing myself, literally every hafl hour, to see if i'd lost anything. I became obssessed.

It wasn't untill December time when i had started to gain a little weight because it was Christmas time, i had this intense fear of gaining any and eventually came up with the idea to start forcing myself to be sick to remove the calories i had just put into my body.

I don't binge..i starve myself that's my problem. Then eventually as i feel i'm about to collapse i'll eat and eat and eat and won't stop then throw it up. I've go on 5 day fast quite reguraly and then loose like 10-14 pounds in a week then gain it all by stuffig my face and throwing it up. But i don't get it..why am i still gaining weight through this, if im being sick?

My weight has been up and down since December untill now. I wasn't having any of it, so about a month and a half ago i got so desperate and started taking my dad's Levothyroxine for his under acive thyroid glande as i knew this would help you loose weight, i would take up to 10x 100mg a day, which is exremely bad. I would pass out, sweat, be sick but still binge because it kept my matbolisme going faster i felt the urge to eat more and more. My mum found out and took them off of me.

When they were gone i felt useless, i've suffered from deopression because of this whole issue since the begining of the year. It's ALL thats on my brain 100%. I don't think about anything else, i even walk 4.5 miles to work and 4.5 miles back home just too loose them extra calories.

I'm very moody now as a person. Not the Charlotte everyone originally loved. Don't get me wrong when my eatings going well and and i'm loosing weight im back to that happy person, but when it's vise versa, so is my mood.

My periods have also stopped.

I just want to be normal again, i want to be able to eat someting without thinking "how many calories does this have?"
It's taking over my life, i even self harmed a few times as i wanted to be rid of this disorder and felt killing myself was the only way. My mum found me with my wrists slit and i was bleeding bad. I have scars too.

I've had plenty of boy attention too, and i've started new relationships since my horrible ex, but i can never emotionally get involved because i think there going to hurt me like my first love. (Who does still ring my house up and call me fat, because  he knows he gets to me). And at the moment, i'm starting to get involved with this guy who i really like but part of me is telling me to steer away because with the last few they had got annoyed when i had kept on going on about food and weight etc. They never knew where i was coming from so i just ditched them.

See, it's taken over my whole life even my love life! A tiny part of me knows i'm not as big as i use to be, but the other says im just so fat. I'm stupid, i'm skinny etc etc. but i just can't take any of it, and my friends get annoyed when i say im fat because they don't agree. But they don't know where im coming from! No one does! I Feel alone!

I need help.

[Zoelula]

I tend to think your mom loves you and wants you to be ok. But the bottom line is that you get the help you need. If you don't feel your mom would understand, talk to a counselor at school, look up OA in the phonebook or look up eating disorders or counseling in the phonebook or just make an appointment with a doctor. If you want help, you will get it. Otherwise you will live your life sick and miserable for another 20 or 30 years (if you live that long). You deserve better.

[Charlotte_93]

Thanks, but although my mum knows i just can't go up to her and talk about it, it's just too embarrising, she use to suffer from Anorexia and is just skinny. I know i shouldn't but i feel envy when i look at her for her gorgeouse tonned figure. And i'll feel stupid asking for help. I just think she'll think i'm going through nothing compared to her, and i hate talking about the subject with her.

Ohhh, i just don't know.

[Zoelula]

Hi Charlotte
Good for you for having the guts to post here and tell your story. Yes, you know you have an eating disorder and it is making your life miserable and you have taken the first step to recovery by admitting that. I have fifteen years recovery from my own eating disorder which I suffered from for 30 years! You are young and haven't had the problem for all that long (though I know it feels like it!) and that means you have an excellent chance of getting in recovery and turning your whole life around!

Knowing you have a problem is the first step, then you have to do something about it. Most people cannot get well on their own. You feel alone because you are struggling with this thing yourself and feel nobody could possibly understand. You are wrong! Unfortunately, eating disorders are very common, especially with young women. You are not alone. Other people are going through what you are, and other people are in recovery and can help you get past it! You describe very well how your eating disorder has taken over your life. It BECOMES your life, but you are so much more than your eating disorder and deserve to have your life back!

The reason you are throwing up and still gaining weight is bulimia doesn't work, it doesn't get rid of all the calories and the stress on your body is enormous. I'm sure you know this, but taking thyroid meds, and taking them in the huge doses you have been taking is extremely dangerous. You could have a heart attack and die...at 16. I don't want that to happen to you.

You need help and there are several ways to go about this. Since your parents already know about the problem you are past that hurdle. Ask them for help. One place to start is by going to your family doctor. Your eating disorder is affecting your health already and this will only get worse. You need medical attention to get your body back on track. Your doctor can help you and your parents make decisions about the next step for treatment. It is my belief that it's best to get treatment from someone experienced with eating disorders or in an ED program. You will also need counseling to help you understand why you are doing this, and more important to change your thoughts and behaviors. Another source of help is OA, Overeater's Anonymous. I'm not sure if there are meetings close to where you live but OA is worldwide and it is a great source of support from people who have been there. Besides, it's free! Look in the phonebook under Overeater's Anonymous to find out where the nearest meeting is.

Whatever kind of treatment you go for, please do it soon. You deserve to be a happy teenager and to do all the things people do at sixteen, school, friends, boys, and planning your future, without this burden hanging over your head. You deserve happiness and you can have it, once you get into recovery from this eating disorder. Best of luck to you and let us know how it goes.
Zoe