Lifestyle Changes

[Jaquta]

I think I finally see what you mean when you speak of lifestyle versus dietary changes.
In my mind I think I thought I could do the diet thing and make that a lifestyle.  I was wrong.

I still feel so lost with it all.  I don't understand how to make those changes.  I have the tools.  I feel I know enough to be able to make better decisions.  Yet I don't.

I wonder if a confused sense of self creates the emotional eating or whether it is the constant weight fluctuations that confuse the self.  It's difficult to comprehend that two words ("you're fat!") could trigger all this.
You're fat and you're dumb.

I spoke to my GP yesterday.  He said he doesn't think I'll be able to mange my weight (make those healthy lifestyle changes) until I work through my emotional issues.

My T contacted me to ask if she could use my details for a case study.  I consented.  She said it would be about therapeutic frame.  She said she would send me a copy when she had finished so hopefully that will be helpful.
I think the contact with her is one of the reasons why I don't read your book.  She was interested in a Kernberg book I had then later told me not to read it.  I think it was her belief that as my T she should be taking responsibility for bringing about the necessary changes.  I seem reticent about most self-help these days.
Maybe in time I will be motivated to learn again.

One of the women I met earlier in the year at the cancer lodge died recently from a brain hemorrhage.
It confuses me a little that people who are so full of life die and I, who has so little to contribute, lives.

Christmas seems to be a worse time of year for me with all its stressors:  friends, family, finances, food.
My parents sent several of our animals to the works the other day which doesn't help.  I feel for them.
My brother and his girlfriend arrive back in the country later in the week.

I'm sorry for monopolizing all your lists.  I think I do because I am a coward and can't confront my own issues.

[Jaquta]

It's good to see you back again.  I hope you enjoyed your break (and managed to de-stress, if in fact you were stressed).

I'm feeling rather sorry for myself at the moment so thought I'd write/ vent.  It helps me to feel contained at any rate.
Christmas was extremely stressful with my brother and his girlfriend here.  In the end it was a huge relief just to have them go.
We traveled away on the 24th for my cousin's memorial service.  He hung himself.

I saw my GP today.  (My resolve for 2010 was to cut back on my visits.)  He said he would speak to the consultant psychiatrist for input.  It sounds like an echo of the past.  I don't expect a positive outcome.
I was hoping that my issues would be taken seriously.  I am dreading dealing with these negative emotions for longer.
I have been feeling very tired.  I haven't been sleeping well.  I had been binge eating but it is more under control now.  I have had really strong urges to hurt myself in the evenings.  I just feel so tired.
I am trying to be positive.  I thought I might try training for another half marathon or maybe even a triathlon this year just to change things around a bit.
It's pretty grueling to motivate or challenge myself to do something that doesn't inspire me.
I went for a 1 km swim today (the second in about 2 years) and I still feel blah.  I feel I should feel excited.  I actually feel worse than I did during winter which I didn't think was possible as I was feeling pretty bad then.

It hasn't rained here for a very long time and the farm has become very dry.  It is almost drought like conditions here now.

I don't have anything exciting to report.  I have been willing away the time doing nothing excessively productive.
I read some of the archived posts on the mh expert forum.  I found some of your earlier comments on diagnoses, etc interesting.  
You have been posting a long time.  Nearly 10 years.  Actually Jan 2001 was when I was first referred to the psych services.  I struggle to comprehend that you have helped me more than people in my local psych service.

Anyway, I hope you had a good break.  The break from you and the forum has been good for me too.  I think it's given me an opportunity to learn and grow.  Sometimes with everything else going on I overlook the benefits of a break.

Best wishes for 2010.  I look forward to reading more of your comments (and learning from them).  Take care.

[Jaquta]

My T said to never use why questions.
Why am I feeling powerless?  What is causing me to feel powerless?  What does it mean?  When have I experienced it before?  I'm sure there are a multitude of questions I need to be asking myself.
Some of the more effective therapy sessions have been when people have identified an emotion for me.  More often than not either anger or frustration.
That seems a little superficial now as it was anger or frustration at feeling hopeless or helpless (powerless).
I don't quite know how effective asking oneself the question is.  More effective than having a T ask it??  I guess if one keeps theorizing then one should eventually get closer to the truth.
The question should probably be grounded in reality (like all good things).
It is a lot to think about.

My family seem shocked and upset by my cousin's death.  It feels strange that they can be so oddly sympathetic towards others yet fail to see what is happening in their own home.  To me I just feel invalidated and invisible.  I feel confused.
My mum said he was too young to 'top himself'.  

The irony is that that was what I heard growing up.  I'm suicidal, I only want to live for another five years.  Is it any wonder I have problems with anxiety.  Wondering if mum was going to be alive or not when I got home from school.  Wondering where she was and why she wasn't at home.
Probably she is as emotionally unavailable as ever.  She says that when she sits and eats that she pretends she is eating with Princess Diana.  I think she is somewhat pretentious.  It is nice to never measure up to anything or to ever be enough.

I have a degree of reverence for my cousin when he succeeded where I failed.  
I hate it when no time ever feels like mine emotionally.  There always feels like something or someone in my space.  No time ever seems like a good time.

Don't stress.  I accept that this puts me at increased risk at the moment but I'm doing OK.  I have a GP (who is away for a week), a T (who won't return phone calls) and a doctor friend on the internet.  These two relationships are important to me.  I value the support I receive from both yourself and my GP.
Safety is a big dilemma and often I don't care but I care about others.  And that is probably why I continue to have these conversations with you.  Maybe one day I will care for myself.  Maybe one day I will want too.

My GP gave me some lorazepam ages ago to help with anxiety.  In the past he has suggested I use them before bed to help with sleep.  I have taken one 1 mg tablet the past few nights.  In general I think my sleep is somewhat improved.  I'm procrastinating but that is my plan for now.  I need some sleep.

Thank you for being a visible/ invisible support.

[Jaquta]

I guess weight and emotional issues do correspond.  Weight perhaps seems more tangible, concrete to some extent.  Much easier to work with.
The chicken and the egg stuff does get a little confusing at times.

I read in one of the shrinkyourself newsletters about H.A.L.T..  I think it did help to filter out, or identify, some emotions.

Perhaps I need to keep asking myself why I feel so powerless.
Recently I thought that perhaps my teeth could have been the trigger.  It's hard to say and sometimes none of it seems to make much sense.

I'm not powerless, I just haven't taken the steps needed to make my life work.

That should help.  I was just thinking earlier of some comebacks.  My mother keeps telling me I have nothing to be stressed about (yet I am).
Incidentally my cousin just committed suicide.  I don't know if that will help my family become any more receptive to emotional pain.  They just don't get it.
I don't know where this leaves me.  I feel frustrated.  I know I have put off carrying out plans as I know it would inconvenience my family.  I feel sad for everyone.
Also one of the woman having radiation when I was there died recently of a brain hemorrhage.
I saw my GP in town this morning and that has triggered me too.  I envy him his life.  He seemed so relaxed, happy and healthy.

I'll have a look at your program.  Not just yet though.  I don't feel ready at the moment.

Thank you for your time, patience and comments.  Hopefully I'll be able to apply them and benefit from them.

[Roger Gould, M.D.]

first of all,no apologies..what you do is very useful to me as well as to those who ask questions....One suggestion re weight and emotional issues..they are one in the same...not one before the other...so, when you are about to overeat, pause, and simply ask yourself why am I feeling so powerless. when you discover that, you can also remind yourself that you are not powerless, you have just not yet decided to take the actions you need to make your life work....try that for size,,, and try the three day trial at www. myvirtualshrink.com.

[Jaquta]

I was going to add that that doesn't make me a very good example for anyone.

If you have any advice or suggestions I would really appreciate them.
I'm having a really hard time at the moment trying to get on top of my weight.

Thank you a lot.