an eating disorder?

[jaysmeen]

My chaotic relationship with food dated back to as early as when I was 3, when I used food to stuff my emotions. Since then till I graduated from high schoolPreschooler development
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School-age children development at 17, I gained weight repeatedly and by the time I entered college my BMI was 30. I had very low self-esteem as a result, and it didn't help when my mum kept on saying that I'm ugly because I'm fat and she's ashamed of me. I agreed on a slimming program and lost approx. 40 pounds (20kgs) in 6 months. Soon I started gaining weight after consuming hormone pills, and so I 'let lose' and binged - often eating behind my mum's back. Since I entered university, I used the lack of finances to not eat properly. I would often skip breakfast, have proper lunch, and then have littleLittle noses decongestant
Little tummys for dinner. I used to avoid social events involving food, but soon I learned to think that if I eat today I can compensate the next day (or a few days). I also started to count calories, limiting myself to <1000kcals on most days. I also used fiber to 'flush things out', but have lessened it to once a fortnight or so (used to be twiceTwice-a-day a week). I've been in therapy in my uni, but my therapist doesn't believe that I have disordered eating patterns because I dpn't induce vomitting. She thinks that I have a negative body image because I've dissatisfied with my current weight, and so if I eat right exercise and lose weight, I'll be fine. She says that it's ok to count calories and use fiber. I got really confused with what she says, and have been feeling very out of controlControl
Control rx...which doesn't do my eating any good. we're both frustrated with each other, and she says that I'm "like an addict who refuses to recover". I'm upset with her, but even more upset with myself for not terminating earlier on. I know I may not have enough to be diagnosed with bulimiaEating disorders - resources
Bulimia, but I feel like it's getting worse. Have been eating even lesser and now I can't have one proper meal without feeling half dead. what should I do?

[jaysmeen]

Thanks for the comment=)

Yeah I don't trust my therapist (maybe partly because I myself am a psychology student and therefore know a lil more about how a therapist should be like, or what eating disorders are). I'm trying to get more help through a lecturer's arrangement, but I don't know if I can get one. In Malaysia, eating disorders are such a taboo that even though they do treat ED patients/clients, there is no one that you can say is an ED 'expert'. Therefore, support groups like OA are unheard of. Yeah I know that it's not really about food and weight, which is why it is so frustrating when your therapist CHOOSES to believe that it is and refuses to pay attention to underlying issues. I've quit with her anyway...but she's left me worse off.

Jasmine

[Zoelula]

It sounds like you don't feel confidence in your therapist and you feel as if you are not being heard by her. Perhaps a new therapist who is experienced working with people with eating disorders? You might also try attending meetings of OA, Overeater's Anonymous where you will get support from people with all forms of eating disorders. I have 16 years recovery from my eating disorder so it is possible to recover. Part of recovery is learning that it isn't as much about food and weight but the feelings beneath those things. Good luck to you on getting the help you need.
Zoe