In another post you said that there are answers to emotional eating. Will we know if we are close to finding those answers? Are my fears likely to hold clues to those answers? Are there even any answers says my pessimistic self.
Self-doubts seem like a very good place to start.
This stuff seems simple but I seem to be getting further away from my goals.
Now when I think of reality I just see it as something conspiring to keep me stuck but in the moment. It's a hideous place to be. And doesn't feel very empowering.
If I were to start from the beginning again, where would be a good place to start?
Right now I just want to run from everything. All I seem to have done lately is eat and sleep and watch TV.
I think it is hard to break the cycle when one is dependent on food for survival.
What I am currently doing is waking up and having breakfast and from there feeling horribly overwhelmed and anxious. Then the day pretty much plays out the same as the previous one.
Over-eating seems to negate the possibility of making positive changes for that day. Hence, I expect, all the secondary emotions.
Maybe getting up early and going for a run would be a better option for me. I seem to function better when nobody else is around. Maybe it just reinforces my sense of accomplishment. Or maybe it just gives me the opportunity to perceive a small part of my day as all good, versus all bad.
I guess I'm just tired. For both physical and emotional reasons. Consuming a high fat, high sugar diet can't be helping any either.
Maybe making a few positive changes will help me to create some forward momentum.
After failing to meet my previous goal I decided to set a new one. I would like to win my age group for the same event next year but for the triathlon.
I figured that's approximately a year to loss weight, get fit, work on motivation and anxiety. My goal is not to be in the toilet at the start of the race.
I'm not sure how doing a tri would work with doing a marathon several weeks later. Endurance or marathon training may compromise my speed too much. ??
I guess I should go and learn how to swim. And ride a bike. And run.
I really have no idea how to get from here to there.
At the moment I need to work on reducing stress (because I am having migraines most days now) and I need to sort out issues I am having with my teeth. My teeth are, I feel anyway, badly eroded. My dentist said it was from brushing too hard (and too much I suspect). I think diet and stress haven't helped. My teeth are a significant trigger for me. I'm not quite sure how that fits into everything.
I've probably written too much. It feels like my therapy session for the month/ year. Maybe I should be keeping a journal instead??
I still haven't heard back about the review (which seems pretty pointless as it's not therapy). Mum chucked the cat in a sack the other day to drown. We have tilers here today.
None of my life is working for me, is it? Is just hard to know where and how to start with changes.
I was feeling frustrated by my impulsive behavior (the over eating, spending all my money on food and lottery tickets). That's probably not even where I need to start although that is affecting me (and my family) quite badly.
OK, I'm going. I appreciate others don't have all day to fill in like I do.
I figured I'm going to jump on a plane and visit you if things are no better in a year.
Gee, I whine a lot! It must be pretty comical, and frustrating, to watch the circus that is my life from a front row seat.
You mention choice but ... (yes, always a but) it rarely feels if ever there is real choice.
What am I not seeing? Intellectually, I can (sometimes) see what I need to be doing or where I need to be going but ... So I must be getting stuck on emotional choices. ??
Is that where my decision making is breaking down?
Why am I still at home? Why aren't I in paid employment? Why aren't I married and with kids? Why aren't I in a relationship? Why aren't I exercising (apart from a calf strain)? Why am I continually losing and gaining weight? Why am I such a moron??
I don't get this. I get maybe one or two average weeks once every year or two. What is that? A period of omnipotent control? That is a period when I feel like there are real possibilities. Every other time just feels ...
Is the problem that I can't comprehend other perspectives or is the problem that others can't understand mine (and therefore can't give good advice)?
That sounded bad. I'm not saying I think your advice is rubbish. Maybe if I quit digging myself such a big hole I wouldn't be so stuck. Which is pretty much what you just said.
I wonder if people do realize how difficult those choices and changes are. Do we all over-simplify other people's changes? It's not just generalized to me or bpd or ...
Maybe it's just due to a lack of confidence because my mother is always invalidating me, especially my strengths (which happen to be her weaknesses).
I don't know why choice or probably more specifically change scares me so much.
I don't understand this. I need to think about it a bit. Maybe I think too much. If only I would stop and actually do for once.
Ego psychology and object relations. The answer is there somewhere.
Can one do a three week taper for sugar? I expect reducing my sugar intake will be very ugly. Food and TV are my main coping mechanisms at this time. Can I cope without? What can I use in its place? A book? A shower? A walk? Work?
I'm such a mess. I've become so disintegrated since I've been unwell.
Structure, that is what I need. Well partly.
What are the right things? Baby steps.
My sister phoned today. Her and her partner are trying for a baby. He had genetic counselling for SCA-1. I thought my brother was ringing to say that he was engaged.
I'll start by picking out a few key areas and try and make some incremental changes.
Did I say I am going to win that race next year? I am going to compete at a healthy weight. Plus I am going to maintain my health and fitness.
The receptionist from the medical centre phoned today to say that the doctor who was to do the review will be away for a few months. A few months meaning till December.
I have tried to cut back on some of the rubbish I have been eating today. It has been hard as a don't feel especially committed to the process. Once I gain some momentum though I might become a little bit more inspired and motivated.
I went for a short (20 minute) run today. While running I was thinking how I miss the comments about being your unofficial assistant. It was good for my ego. It was interesting how I pushed you away and then felt a sense of loss at that. I guess a part of me felt like I was being mocked and made fun of for being so stupid and useless. I appreciate you never gave that impression and I haven't heard you speak badly of anyone. I guess I also feel somewhat confused how anybody, let alone a respected professional, could value anything I say or do.
It's frightening how open and honest I am with you, and others here, about what I think and feel.
I was somewhat curious about the relationship you have with others here. I felt it would have been interesting to scroll through some old posts but then I realized that it isn't you or others I should be dissecting, but myself. Picking apart how you interact with others doesn't necessarily help me any. That would be time better spent addressing my own issues. I probably have some strengths but it surprises me how repulsed I am of myself. I guess maybe critiquing and devaluing others allows me to feel ... ??
When mum heard that the doctor was away till the end of the year she told me I should forget about getting help. She told me I should JUST go out and get a job. JUST do this, JUST do that. Emotions always run high for both of us when discussing this.
I asked her if she felt I was lazy or stupid for not doing anything. She said she doesn't think I'm lazy because when I do work I work extremely hard. Which I do do.
What started that was me feeling as though she invalidated my anxiety. She said everybody feels anxious when going for a job interview, etc. I feel like she normalizes something which isn't normal. It feels as though she trivializes my difficulties.
I get frustrated by her lack of compassion and understanding.
I should be telling her this. We're progressing towards listening too each other but ... it's been a slow process due to us being so angry and frustrated. I usually feel low and withdrawn and tearful afterwards. Today I don't even feel angry. She told me to go and do some digging because I was angry. I don't think see picks up on my cues very well.
Maybe due to my past I am more aware of ?behaviors/ nuances and feel frustrated when others don't see what or how I do.
My older sister called me an emotional psychic but I think I am just learning about perception and how others often have different interpretations. It's novel to me.
I don't think my family are very in tune with emotions. We don't communicate them. Mum often offloads onto me how angry she feels at things my father has done, or not done. (Often while I am reading posts on the forums.) Next time I may ask her how it makes her feel.
I find your discussions on emotions, etc interesting. I am thinking that perhaps when I am well I will pursue a degree in psychology (or some related field). I find not knowing the fundamentals or having good answers extremely frustrating. I am grateful to you for your input though and for explaining things to us. That little bit of information can feel quite empowering. Thanks again for everything.
I just needed somewhere where I could talk. Somewhere safe where I could come and vent and feel sorry for myself.
I feel tried. I haven't been sleeping well for ages. I have taken 1 mg of lorazepam each night for the past four nights prior to going to bed. It has helped a little but I still feel exhausted. I also feel quite down at the moment so maybe that has dropped my mood.
I just feel tired and frustrated about not being able to change things or make good decisions. I feel frustrated by others incompetencies or unwillingness to support me.
The mhs have another name of a doctor who can do the review. They still haven't bothered to pass the name and number on though.
My GP is stuffing around trying to get full funding for an ultrasound of my finger. I was happy to pay the difference which was $30. It's already been four months. What's another week or month or however long? It's been 20 months and counting for therapy.
I saw my GP again today. At times I think he is as frustrated as I am. He has said that he has gone up to outpatients and waited in the waiting room to talk to doctors there.
I feel I am putting my doctor under pressure to do something because I feel the current organization is fragmenting and uncontaining. It's leaving me feeling guilty, confused, overwhelmed, more confused. angry, frustrated and unwell.
I told my doctor I had had cravings for alcohol. I guess food and sleep and TV aren't working that well as coping strategies. He just cited recent negative alcohol related incidents in the news.
I said I feel like cutting (I don't cut) and jumping off a hydro dam. This feels real to me. This seems to be where I'm at at this point. I don't feel like treading the same water for much longer, if at all. I haven't bothered making another appointment to see my GP. I guess I'm frustrated. I figured I could go for a drive next week when my parents are away. That makes it awkward though and doesn't leave me room to return. It would probably add to my anxiety and cause me to panic. It's so easy just to push everything away and not think about it, about consequences.
My GP said that my risk is chronic but that it does increase and when he thinks it is high (which is always too late) that he will send me to hospital.
I just think he's stupid. Can't he see and hear?
Anyway, hospital is never a good option and the thought of clarifying how desperate and overwhelmed I feel makes me feel more than a little paranoid. "They won't help. They only want to medicate me and give me ect." It's all just a self-fulfilling prophecy. They don't understand so they just try to 'fix' the symptoms that they are helping to create. They use symptoms as justification. I see them as invalidating and victimizing.
Maybe I should just toss a coin.
This is always a battle of wills. Between the healthy and unhealthy part? Who cares?
My GP gave me more lorazepam today (12 mg). I didn't get them but I feel that temptation is high. I hate life so much sometimes.
I know that due to the nature of the disorder that after going to bed I will wake up feeling better.
I really hate all this. To think I was so naive to think it was only about food and weight.
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