To Disclose or not to Disclose to our IVF with Donor Children

[Pecas282]

I am planning on becoming a donor recipient in June. I have gone back and forth and have now decided to disclose the information to my child at a young age.  I have read that what they  understand can be done in baby steps. Now I just have to get my husband on the same page! (I hear most husbands DON'T want to disclose at first, but then they  give in eventually with our guidance;)

For me I am doing it so there will be no secrets or inevitable little lies between us now, or throughout my kid's life. Among other reasons, I don't want to live in dread of them discovering it later in life, thus, feeling they were deceived somehow. That said, I have absolutely no judgment towards those who wish to go the other route. There are so many factors involved, including immediate family relations, etc.

I just wanted to open up a  dialogue where people can voice their opinions, ask for advice, and feel safe about it.

Lauren

[mhv]

Well I believe everything happens for a reason and I think that's a pretty awesome reason! :).  See mel, things are going to work out just as they should.  Hopefully, you have a credit card you can put most of it onl, and get started ASAP!I am really excited for you!  

If you you wouldnt mind, will you pm me and let me know what happened w/donor family??

[plumber43]

Hi Mel,
   My donor embryo  family bailed on me so now I'm on a mission to raise 10,000.00 for an RE in NYC that for 10,000.00 lets you pick a donor that already had eggs frozen. You get 6. now my DH can have his bio child. I think I can work harder to get some more jobs and save for it! Vie got to feel like this is the answer to my dilemma! I spoke to my RE about it and shes encouraging me to go for it. I'll keep you posted, but in the mean time I'm going to keep trying!
Love Mel

[mhv]

That is a great plan.   Like I said, our situation is different because of it being donor embryos, but I can honestly tell you, I love my future children already!! Haha!  I don't care who they tel, but I will only tell a select few.  

How is everyone else feeling??

Hugs!

[Pecas282]

Wow! I haven't looked at this question since  a week after I posted. So glad to read all the responses! Since I first posted, I have found a donor, but in Argentina the donors are completely anonymous, so neither the parents nor child can ever find out who the donor is (although it would have been okay to me if my child was curious). At our clinic, egg donors have the same blood type as the pregnant mother to be, and I was told since the donors go through intensive testing, and family medical background etc, I wont have to worry about medical history. They go by features and pictures. I will never see a picture of the donor, but I actually prefer that. And they wont give me information about religion and origin, which is a bit of a bummer as I would like to have that info for my child if he or she wanted to know.  

In my last post I said I wont be telling any family members except my mother, but that since has changed. I will probably tell my brother around the same time I begin the early conversations with my child. He and my mother are the only ones out of my immediate family still alive. But the following still holds: Out of respect for my kid or kids, I will let him or her decide who they choose to tell after that (cousins  or  friends, etc). I am also very excited to open a spiritual dialogue with my child as to how they got here.

I can't wait for mid-June!!!!

Thanks everyone!

[mhv]

Thank you for the kind words : )   I think I am just a true example that it doesn't matter where the egg and the sperm came from.  As long as your house is filled with love and happiness, you child will feel love and happiness :)

Oh, btw... was the book above one that they gave you???  Just curious : )

[globetrot]

MHV- I had no idea I was using a true example- just thought it was a scenerio!  Bless your parents- they raised a WONDERFUL, positive daughter with a generous spirit!  

Melanie- Hang in there. Your day will come- you have come so far!  It is great you have a plan with the embies.  It is amazing the generosity of people.  Keep us posted and I am waiting for the day I will be in the 2ww with you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Tons of baby dust to you.

[plumber43]

Hi, I know most of you on this forum, I'm glad to have this discussion, DH and I are on iui # 4 and I am giving TTC with my eggs until June, I will be 45. A wonderful couple has offered their embies to us. DH is concerned how we are to handle this, telling the child(ren). The couple had donor egg and donor sperm so they are not biological at all to the embies, but they have a son who will be biologically the brother to my child(ren). DH still really doesn't want to discuss  it until I have exhausted all my options (June).
Ssbd to all of us!
Melanie

[mhv]

Was one of  the books
'building your family through egg donation" by Joyce Friedeman?  I am just curious.  She is the psychologist my hubby and I saw.  
And funny story... I am adopted, and my parents never told me(haven't to this day, and I haven't told them I know)... the biggest, first, clue for me?? When I was in school (6th or 7th grade), they tested our blood and told us our blood types... thinking it was "cool" I went home and told my parents my blood type... they proceeded to tell me theirs...hmmmm turned out, there was no way I could have my blood type if I was theirs biologically, had just learned that in school!  They never even thought of that!

I do think your phychologist is 100% right.  It will come out if Anyone knows. (I learned that in my own instance).  That's why I plan on telling my child(ren) from day 1 that we had help.  Of course, we are using donor embryos... totally different from everyone else, but I also know from experience that your parents are your "parents" no matter how a child came to be.  No one will EVER take the place of my mom and dad.  They are just that... my mom and dad.
I just wish I had the opportunity to thank them for the wonderful life they gave me and the love they showed.  But, unfortunately, I can't, because for 44 years they have choosen to keep it a secrect, and I have choosen to keep their secret.  

I will tell my child(ren), and a few close friends family... I will let my child(ren) decide who ele to tell, if anyone or everyone...

[globetrot]

My clinic had us meet with a pschologist and this was a big part of the conversation.  Our donor did too.  We do not know who she is but I am keeping her bio if someday our child is interested.  The psychologist gave us suggested reading matterial (books for kids at different ages, etc)  She did tell us if we are not planning on sharing with the child- we should not tell anyone- because these things have a way of coming out.  People assume other people know- or that the child knows.  It seems like introducing the thought at a young age and in an appropriate way was best.  Also - you never know for health reasons if it may come up- a different type of blood than either parent- wouldn't that be fun at the science fair?!?
Bless you all on your journeys!  SSBD.

[myhorse]

I am a donor recipient in Victoria, Australia and we don't have any choice in the matter.  If a child is concieved thru donor eggs it is their right to obtain a birth certificate at 18 which reveals their bio mother.  We are all counselled on how to deal with these issues as the child gets older.   The process takes about 2 months of counselling, doctors, nurses, police checks etc.  I personally have only told a select few who the donor is out of respect for her as she is only telling her immediate family, as far as anyone else is concerned, if we are blessed with a bub we will cross that bridge when we come to it.  
We tried IVF with my own eggs 4 years ago and have kept this pretty much to ourselves at this stage.
I have been luck enough to be given eggs by my younger cousin who is 33, I am 47. We are in the middle of the cycle now, with OPU next week.
Personally I think that it is a great idea that children can find out their genetic history.

[Pecas282]

So glad you responded to this! I only plan on telling my mother and my three best girlfriends. They have been going through this journey with me from the start (they already know).  Basically the people who I trust. I wont tell other family members because I'm either not close to them, or I just don't trust they will understand the beauty in it all. That said, this is a process and perhaps that will change as I venture into the unknown. But for now only the people I mentioned. My husband will only tell a few select family members and a best friend, too.

Lauren

[mhv]

My husband and I will be using donor embryo's.  I plan to, like you, tell them from the very beginning.  I actually have a book on donor embryos and what you should tell your children, and I plan to use it as a guidline.  I am adopted myself, and that information withheld from me.  I don't know how many people we will tell outside our immediate families, but I will definately tell my child(ren).