Erectile Dysfunction Community
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Avatar universal

My 19 year old fiancé has an erectile dysfunction

Hello, I recently got engaged and the wonderful man I am with has been unable to have sex because of an erectile dysfunction(keep on mind he is only 19) . We've been together for a long while. He says that he really wants to have sex but whenever we get down to almost doing the dirty deed, he goes soft. We do have foreplay and he stays hard when I give him oral. As soon as I ask him to put it in he tries but I can feel him go completely soft. I have tried to be patient with this kind of thing but I can't help but think that it's me. He reassures me that it's nothing to do on my part, but come on now I'm bound to be offended and hurt if my soulmate can't have sex with me. Yes we do have foreplay but most of the time when we try to have sex, neither one of us gets an orgasm because the mood is lost and I get quite upset. I am a woman with needs. I love him, I really do. I have had patients but when he tells me that he wants to so bad then doesn't do anything about it what am I suppose to do or think. I mean he doesn't have a size problem at all, he's actually quite large. Lady's and gentleman please help with advice and recommendations. Thank you for reading my rant.
12 Responses
134578 tn?1602101550
He should get a checkup and you should stop getting mad.  If you can't stop getting mad and his checkup doesn't give an answer (or change things) then you should look seriously at whether to get married.  If I had to guess, I'd hazard the notion that he is not very excited about getting married.  
134578 tn?1602101550
(But please don't get indignant if it turns out that is what's bothering him.  He's only 19, almost anyone that age would be uncertain about marriage.)
Avatar universal
He asked me without me making any kind of effort or pressure to get married. So I wouldn't understand if that's the problem
134578 tn?1602101550
Well, you could test the idea by just asking some day if he is having second thoughts.  Of course, you'd have to do that super-tactfully and carefully if he feels badly about having them [if he does].  Did he have erectile issues before you got engaged?
Avatar universal
Yes he has throughout our relationship. We haven't had sex yet.....
134578 tn?1602101550
Another couple of things that occur to me is that he either is closeted gay, or possibly that he has really emotional issues relating to sex.  (A friend of mine who have been abused as a boy told me later that when it came time to get interested in sex, he was a wreck.  "I felt like if you liked someone, then this awful thing would have to happen," he told me later.)  Anyway, do you know if your fiance ever had sex with anyone?
Avatar universal
He had actually lied to me at first saying he had sex with 8 women and later when I reasked him he admitted to lying to me that he actually only had sex with 3 women.
134578 tn?1602101550
Honey, something psychological is going on with this guy and sex.  If he had a very strict upbringing (the kind where if you have sex or even masturbate, you are going to go to Hell) and it gave him big hangups, it could give him the problem you've described.  If he was sexually abused, it could certainly give him the problem.  If he is suppressed gay (possibly, depending again on his upbringing, something that for some guys would be so wrong that he would try hard not even to know he was attracted to men, but he certainly wouldn't be attracted to women) it could give him that problem.  Does he seem like an average horny guy?  

Part of what makes me think it is a mental/emotional problem and not a physical problem is that he is 19 and asked you to marry him.  Most 19-year-olds are into playing computer games, having sex if anyone will let them, avoiding having to decide on a major in college or what they want to do for a living, and if the marriage discussion ever would come up, it would be laughed off, at 19. (If a 19-year-old does propose, a lot of the time it's because his girlfriend is pregnant.)  If you were not even having sex, the fact of him proposing almost sounds like he wants to find refuge and never have to think about the uncomfortable issue again.  So, the question becomes, do you want to marry someone who probably will not be interested in sex?  
Avatar universal
I love him, I do. I asked him to seek help and he has talked with his father and will be seeing a doctor soon. I want us to have that connection but if he can't figure himself out I will have no option but to leave. I just want him to get help and be okay. I know that he feels incredibly sad that he can't function like most males his age. He can get if up but when it comes down to the deed, he just completely goes soft and he seems like he wants to cry because of it.
134578 tn?1602101550
My first guess would still be closeted gay.  A friend of mine's dad was, back in the day and a society where it was totally not OK to be gay, and he knew he was attracted to men but thought if he got married he'd "get over it."  The only reason I mention this again is that you keep saying he can't function.  But maybe he actually functions fine, just not with women.  An approach would be to assume that he doesn't have a problem with his erections, he just has a problem with trying to use them with women.

If you don't think this is it, the other options I mentioned are also possible:
- believing in going to hell for having sex
- sexual abuse in his background

And the other one I didn't mention but might be also possible is extreme performance anxiety.

Anyway, try not suggesting he has a problem physically but just assuming he has a problem with what he is trying to do, and see where that goes.
1822306 tn?1330522629
Years ago I had this same problem with a girl I loved very much. I could have sex with other girls but not with her. It was a psychological thing to me. It's hard to explain but when we met we dated a couple of times and had sex a couple of times...no problem. Then later she did her own thing and played the field. She had sex with several of my friends; and I went my own way too. Later (about a year) she seemed to realize how much I cared for her and we got together, even moved in together. However I couldn't seem to finish the act, just like your friend. I had this hang up about knowing she had sex with my friends and I might not be able to measure up to what she had had in the past. It must have been six months of oral sex and foreplay but she was very patient and it finally worked out. She never made me feel like it upset her and made me feel she would stay with me even if it didn’t work out. I really think if she hadn’t been so understanding it would have never worked out. I was 23 then and was somewhat inexperienced. I had the same problem with one night stands in my 20s but got over it by 30. We separated after about 5 years but the sex was good until the end. I’m 58 now and haven’t had this problem since. Anyway, my story; I hope it helps somehow.
1822306 tn?1330522629
BTW...If a 19 year old guy tells you he has had sex with 3 women he has probably only had sex with one...if any. :)
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