Boyfriend has problem getting/keeping an erection

[Mickey74]

I've been with my boyfriend for 3 yrs now.  The main thing stopping me from moving forward is our sex life.  We were both married before, me for 11yrs and him for 10yrs.  Our sexual pasts were extremely different.  I had sex with my ex at least once a day for the first 8yrs before we started having problems in our relationship and then it was still 4-5 times a week.  My boyfriend's ex on the other hand didn't like having it and he was lucky to get it once a month.  He's amazed by my desire for it.  The problem is my desire is started to go away.  He's had a problem getting erections since we first started dating.  I thought at first it was because his wife was the first person he had ever been with I was only the third.  I've tried being patient thinking that things will get better when we get more comfortable with each other but they really haven't.  He's been thoroughly checked out medically and was told it's not a medical condition and has gotten on a version on Viagra.  He's only 36.. and it worries me to even consider spending the rest of my life not wanting to have sex as much because it's such a hassle.  He always makes sure to take care of me but I don't like not being able to reciprocate.  Most times intercourse itself lasts 45 minutes before anything happens and the last part gets really rough to make it happen.  Not fun or comfortable at all at that point.  Makes me want to take a break for a couple of days.  I know he's interested because he's always wanting to mess around but never has the erection to back it up.  And playing with what seems like a wet noodle isn't helping me with my desire.  I really don't know what to do.  I know it bothers him and I don't want to make him feel even worse about it but I need something to change.  I can't imagine spending the rest of my life like this.  I'm only 36 too and feel I have a lot of good sex left in my life to have.  Do you have any suggestions as to what we can do or how we can solve this?
Thanks

[myketasin]

its actually trying to expose yourself into new things.. erection could get back to your partner if you like give it a rest for a few times and try to surprise him by doing someothing that you both havent done in your years of doing intercourse.. hope this helps..

[Janice M Epp, PhD]

Hi Mickey.

It's very difficult to answer your question because without hearing from your boyfriend, anything I say is just guessing--guessing about his concerns, about his feelings towards you, about his previous relationship, etc. In other words, there could be many contributing factors to his erection concerns--emotional, psychological and relationship.

I'm wondering why someone prescribed drugs for him, when clearly they're not helping. Viagra, etc. don't change feelings. They merely help with blood flow. Clearly, that's not an issue for your boyfriend. Whatever is getting in his way has nothing to do with anything physical.

So that leaves us with a laundry list of possibilities:

As men age, erections sometimes take longer, and even come and go. This is not an indication if ill health, but just part of life.

Something about being sexual with a woman is causing him anxiety. What do you suppose it is? Is it possible that he's worrying himself into this problem? In other words, once he starts to worry about erections, he can't enjoy himself, so naturally, his erections disappeared, and he created a self-fulfilling prophesy. Often, anxiety and nervousness create a situation in which men can't relax enough to feel pleasure.

Worrying about erections is a dead-end street and will make a penis very uncooperative. So what's your next step? Talk with him. How else can the two of you figure out what's going on? You need to open up a discussion and be supportive, not accusatory or angry. Tell him you want to be with him and you want him to open up to you about his feelings. Together, the two of you can decide what's the best step to take. I would also recommend the two of you read the following book about male sexual issues: “The New Male Sexuality,” by Bernie Zilbergeld, Ph.D., widely available both used and in paperback. This book has up-to-date information for both men and the women who love them. Best of luck to you. Dr. J