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Couple in early 20's dealing with erectile dysfunction? due to many reasons

Hi, I am a female 24ys old and my partner is 22. We have been having problems with erectile dysfunction and have been for some months now. Our sex life started out great, the best ever for both of us! It stayed like that for about 6months but after a few times of 'the flop' I reacted badly because of a past relationship where the sex and insults were awful and Lavitra was used. I just closed up after 'the flop' He knew a little about my past relationship as we were friends for a couple of years before we were together. So he knew why I reacted in such a way. We were fine for sometime after but now it's so bad it feels like 'make or break'  We are so happy in our relationship, in each other and really look forward and are excited for the future but this is tearing us apart. It doesn't make sense.

We are open with each other and are communicating. It's been and is really hard. He admitted he had a problem straight away but then tried to turn it on me but soon appolagised and delved really deep into why he has this problem. It lead him to really break down over it.

He explained some experiences of messing around when he was a kid with other kids when sometimes he wanted to - I explained it's completely normal and explained some experiences of my own. He was relieved to hear this; another time his brother at 9 when he was 4 dry humped him and he pretended to stay asleep. We are both a bit concerned about that one. Still normal??
He was abused at 13 by his step farther who took a look and slightly handled his 'member'. He dealt with this years ago with his family.
He lost his virginity at 14 (same as me) but until he was 17 struggled to have sex, tried many times but couldn't get it up, didn't know what to do, the usual 'didn't know I had to guide it in' so failure at poking away lost the erection. I explained that was normal too, I've heard that really quite a few times. That also made him feel better.
Then when he was 17 had a four year relationship, had two kids and was fine. He said it's because the first time they had sex she got on top and guided it in, she took over. So it happened and he thought it was just solved but deep down the anxiety was still there. She fell pregnant instantly and sex was never important, never meaningful, they agreed to sleep with other people together and apart but they always had sex. she used to hit and kick him and mentally abuse him (not all the time, they still got engaged) but it was all for show.
So a year ago we get together and fell in love and it all becomes very meaningful. He desparetly wants to have sex and get close but becomes riddled with anxiety, thoughts and self critisism. I'm fine with what ever happens when he wants to try he knows that too. I've suggested that we just have 'roll abouts' just long cuddles and kisses no expectations but one time it did lead to making love and it was so great for both of us to have that closeness back. but now even when we kiss a little too passionatly if we are sitting on the bed he gets scared and stops, sometimes comes up with excuses. we are desparate and in so much pain over this. can some one help?
3 Responses
Avatar universal
Hi Km, May I surggest he is in need of theropy, real deep psycho theropy. I think this well be his only way out of his problems.
Good Luck
Avatar universal
We've looked into therapy but it's so expensive, we are on a really tight budget .can you recommend anywhere and anything?
Avatar universal
Hi KM, Look your in the UK, also known as blighty to some of us, so whats wrong with the NHS, cant your doctor refer your for treatment?
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