Dear Ali: No need to apologize for asking questions--it's a good thing. I don't know why your wife would be frustrated with the stop/start technique unless she's having the expectation that she SHOULD have an orgasm from p-v sex. This can put lots of pressure on both of you. Why not suggest that the two of you learn other, more effective ways to pleasure her to orgasm? This would not only be educational, but also lots of fun. I'm sure if you talk to her about it, she'll want to help.
When you say you see something like sperm coming out during urination, I'm assuming you mean something like semen--cloudy, yes? You may be experiencing retrograde ejaculation, which means that semen is "backwashing" into your bladder instead of being expelled during ejaculation. This doesn't affect the sensation of orgasm, but might be the result of several conditions that need addressing. I suggest you see a urologist for a diagnosis. Dr. J
I certainly can help you. The first thing I can tell you is: DO NOT USE any “delay spray.” These sprays contain Lidocaine or some other numbing agent. Not only are these sprays usually ineffective, but consider what else they can do: if your penis is numb, then what do you think will happen to your wife’s vagina? It will be numb too. And if you’re both numb, you won’t feel anything (not an ideal situation, right?). These sprays may also contain substances which can burn or irritate both the penis and the vagina.
Instead, many men find it helpful to change their behavior and attitude, which means examining some of the reasons why you’re not lasting as long as you would like.
During their early self-pleasuring experiments, many men learn a very quick orgasm pattern in order to avoid detection—like in the bathroom (“You’ve been in there for hours! What are you doing?”) Learning to come quickly with a partner can also set up this pattern. Guilt and anxiety about sex may also create a situation where some men just want to get it over with quickly so they won’t have to deal with any of those feelings. And, of course, if you’re focused on “performing,” rather than just enjoying yourself, your penis can become incredibly stubborn and uncooperative. And if being sexual with your wife is new to you, it may take awhile to get over your anxiety. Anything new can be scary.
In my experience, the first step is to unlearn your rapid orgasm pattern by slowing down your self-pleasuring. While you’re touching yourself, breathe slowly and just enjoy the sensation. When you find yourself approaching that “point of no return” when you think you’re close to orgasm, stop and breathe until you don’t feel the urge to orgasm. Then start again. The more you do this, the more you’ll be in control and able to sense when orgasm is approaching.
Once you learn to control your orgasm, realize that each man has an individual orgasmic pattern unique to him. A lot of this anxiety about “premature” ejaculation is based on paranoia, and the idea that it's somehow ideal to have erections last way longer than they tend to realistically for most men, most of the time. Sure, sometimes, a man might last 15 minutes, 30 minutes, even an hour, but 75% of all males have an orgasm within 2 minutes of beginning penis-vagina (p-v) sex. I wonder if you’ve asked your wife how long SHE’d like you to last? Are you thinking that if you last longer, somehow she’ll have an orgasm during p-v sex? The fact is that most women DON’T orgasm during p-v sex. It’s a much more effective way for men to orgasm than women, so please don’t attempt to reach some kind of “orgasmic goal” because you think it will ultimately please her.
Since you’re newlyweds, let me suggest that now is an ideal time to begin communicating about sex with each other. I know it can be difficult to talk about sex—especially if you come from a culture that tells you sex is dirty or wrong. However, if you can get over your discomfort, you’ll have a wonderful opportunity to learn what you each like and begin a wonderful journey of discovery together. Good luck to you. Dr. J
First, I'm happy for you and your wife that you two are working with each other. Not only will it improve sex for both of you, but it will also improve your relationship. Regarding your question about whether the numbing spray will damage the skin on your penis: There are some reports that over 25% of men who use these sprays develop rashes and/or irritations. Some men have also reported that when they rely on the spray for long periods of time, they lose confidence in their own ability and become dependent on its usage. These are all things to consider in making future decisions. Be sure to ask your urologist about the spray during your exam. He or she can give you further information. Good luck to your and your wife. Dr. J
Dear Dr. J.
Thank you very much for helping me with your suggestions. I talked to my wife about the situation, and explained every thing to her. She is helpful and promised that we would work out together to solve the issue. We had some start and stop practices last night and it was some how helpful to both us. I will go to Urologist on this weekend to test every thing and i really appreciate your kind suggestions.
On more issue regarding to delay spray usage again! If i spray it just on the skin under the head of the penis (which to me is the most sensitive part of it) then keep it for some minutes to get numb and then wash it away completely not to effect my wife's vagina, then will there be any harm or side effect for me in the future. like skin damage or whatever!!
Waiting for your reply!
Dear Dr. J
thanks for your nice & valuable suggestions. I have been doing the "stop & start" actions as i was getting closed to no points to return, though it was some how helpful to avoid ejaculation but my wife seems frustrated with the continuous start and stop. She wants me to be doing it continuous at one time, and it takes her two minutes to ask for stop. I have used Delay Spray, in a way not to hurt her or my self. like spraying a little just under the neck of my ****, and washing it before i insert into her. She does not feel numb at any where and seems to be enjoying it. My only worry is that if i continue using it, i might feel frustrated of not being able to do that job as per my own sexual desire. Let me say as well that when i wanna pee after sports or a long walk or if i pump the pee out by tightening the pelvic muscles, i see some thing exactly like sperm is coming along with the pee. I am not sure if it i have got some other kinds of infection in the urinary system. Because some years back i used to sleep with different Prostitute Women, which i have stopped completely since 2 years back.
Kindly excuse me for giving you headache and i do wait for your nice reply and suggestion.
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