I am 25 years old. I have a pretty nice size penis, its about 8.5 inches close to 9. I never had a problem keeping an erection when I masturbate, however, there have been times when I can go for an hour and half and still not bust my load but instead I'd lose the erection and then either have trouble getting it back up or I'd have to masturbate to ***. The guy that I am with, I find him to be hot and I love his a$$. the first couple times, we had sex i didn't have a problem ejaculating. but the last few times, I couldn't get a load off, but I did stay hard for atleast an hr plus and didn't ***, and then i went soft and had a hard time getting it back up or i just didn't nut at all.
I need to know is there something wrong, why can't I ***, i can keep it hard but just not *** and i love his a$$ and i wanna make him happy as well, he enjoys it and doesn't complain, but its bothering me. I don't have a problem getting off by myself and i wake up with morning wood. I haven't masturbated in bout 3 days. any suggestions.
I’m really glad you asked this question, because it gives us a chance to examine another area of erection/orgasm concerns that hasn’t been discussed much in this forum. Realize that I’m going to give you lots of possibilities, and your role is to figure out whether any of these fit for you, and then explore them.
The dead give-away here is that you have orgasms during self-pleasuring. That probably means that some aspect of being sexual with a partner is problematic and creating conflicts for you, rather than any physical issue. Let’s look at some potential contributory factors.
There’s nothing wrong with you. You may have just convinced yourself there’s something amiss, and now you’ve created a vicious circle. As soon as your penis didn’t do exactly what you wanted, you started to worry. Sex is all about what’s going on in your head. The more you worry, the more your penis isn’t going to cooperate. In fact, it can be downright rebellious! You need to relax. If someone tells you NOT to think of elephants, what’s the first thing you think about? That’s right. Elephants. And if you worry about having an orgasm, same thing: self-fulfilling prophesy.
And BTW, because you’re not having an orgasm during sex with your partner, but trying to do so for a very long time, your penis is probably becoming over-stimulated and numb. Of course, if you haven’t an orgasm after an hour or so, the poor thing is exhausted. Relax and stop worrying and tune into the pleasure of your partner’s skin on yours—or anything else that turns you on. Stop focusing on orgasm and just enjoy. This will go a long way towards distracting you from your anxiety.
Our society does a terrible disservice to men by raising them to think that their penis has to be 10 inches long, hard as a rock and last all night. It’s no wonder that many men feel insecure about their sexuality. Great sex involves your whole body; in fact, having great, mutually satisfying sex is usually quite the opposite of what you see in those performance-oriented sex videos.
The more you think of sex as being about performance, the more you’ll worry that your penis isn’t doing what you think it should. And this can be a vicious circle. For most of us, sex is about fun and pleasure. If you think of it as performance, or a “job,” you’ll set yourself for a stressful experience. Remember: Performance can be the enemy of pleasure and fun.
Men receive so many messages that sex is about pleasing a partner, rather than just enjoying the pleasure of it. Everything is goal-oriented—like a football game. The other message that many men receive is that sex is somehow dirty and wrong, unless you’re doing it for reproductive purposes. Sometimes this can creep into our unconscious thoughts and sabotage any pleasure we’re experiencing.
A fairly common factor that inhibits orgasm with a partner is that there are some conflicts in the relationship and you’re feeling anxious or angry. It can be helpful to examine how you’re feeling about him and what else is going on in the relationship.
Lastly, you may be feeling conflicted because of some unresolved sexual orientation issues. Many of us think we’ve handled all that stuff, but it has a way of creeping into our subconscious at the most inappropriate times. Think about your past and whether there are some old messages about being Gay that are still lingering there. Maybe you were teased, did you ever feel like you didn’t fit in, or you did you have some other feelings of being an “outcast”? This can result in internalized homophobia—in other words, self-hate. Some people don’t even realize that any of those old childhood hurts are still lurking about and doing damage. And, in fact, they don’t usually rear their ugly head during casual “booty calls,” but rather only show up once you’re in a relationship. You’ve probably read lots of books about this, but if not, there’s an excellent online bookstore, Lambda Rising, which carries some very helpful books. http://www.lambdarising.com/NASApp/store/IndexJsp
For more information about orgasm, attitude, etc., I highly recommend the book “The New Male Sexuality” by Bernie Zilbergeld, Ph.D. It’s widely available in paperback and is an invaluable resource.
Well, there you have it—a whole litany of possible causes for you to chew on.
Take a deep breath and dive in. Good luck! Dr. J
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