Aa
Really scared
I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half and i am very much in love with him. He means the absolute world to me. I'm really worried because i have difficulties getting erections sometimes even though i really want to have sex with him and be with him in that way. I have always had insecurities about sex and i think this is psychological. Sometimes, if he wants to have sex and i'm not particularly in the mood, i feel i have to get an erection so i think of other men to make the erection happen. Why do I sometimes not get one if he's rubbing himself against me? I think he has started to notice. It's so scary and I don't understand why it's happening. I love him so much and just don't want to lose him. Has this happend to other people before? Am i worrying too much about getting a erection and not relaxing enough?
Any advice would be great! It's making me so upset.
Joe
Any advice would be great! It's making me so upset.
Joe
hi joer23, it sounds to me that maybe you do love him but your just not sexually attracted to him anymore? its happened with me with my boyfriend, i still have times when i dont particularly find him as sexually attractive as i used to but i cant be without him.
and are the other guys in your head anyone in particular? maybe you have feelings for other people that you're rejecting and in denial about, therefore letting it get in the way of you and your boyfriend?
hope this helps, and i wish you all the best!
P
and are the other guys in your head anyone in particular? maybe you have feelings for other people that you're rejecting and in denial about, therefore letting it get in the way of you and your boyfriend?
hope this helps, and i wish you all the best!
P
MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL
Hi Joe.
I’m really glad you asked this question, because it gives us a chance to examine another area of erection concerns that hasn’t been discussed yet. Realize that I’m going to give you lots of possibilities, and your role is to figure out whether any of these fit for you, and then explore them.
Realize that the more you worry about getting an erection, the more stressed you feel, and so on. It sounds like some aspect of being sexual with a partner is problematic and creating conflicts for you. Let’s look at some potential issues.
Our society does a terrible disservice to men by raising them to think that their penis has to be 10 inches long, hard as a rock and last all night. It’s no wonder that many men feel insecure about their sexuality. Great sex involves your whole body; in fact, having great, mutually satisfying sex is usually quite the opposite of what you see in those performance-oriented sex videos.
The more you think of sex as being about performance, the more you’ll worry that your penis isn’t doing what you think it should. And this can be a vicious circle. For most of us, sex is about fun and pleasure. If you think of it as performance, or a “job,” you’ll set yourself for a stressful experience. Remember: Performance can be the enemy of pleasure and fun.
Men receive so many messages that sex is about pleasing a partner, rather than just enjoying the pleasure of it. Everything is goal-oriented—like a football game. The other message that many men receive is that sex is somehow dirty and wrong, unless you’re doing it for reproductive purposes. Sometimes this can creep into our unconscious thoughts and sabotage any pleasure we’re experiencing.
Two other reasons why you might not be having erections are that you’re bored with your current partner or with the sexual activities you’re doing together, or that there are some conflicts in the relationship and you’re feeling anxious or angry. What’s your partner's attitude about your sex together? Is he impatient with you, or is he putting any performance expectations on you? Why is it up to you to keep him happy? If he cares for you, then this is something for the two of you to explore together—it’s not just YOUR problem. It can be helpful to examine how you’re feeling about this and what else is going on in the relationship.
Lastly, you may be feeling conflicted because of some unresolved sexual orientation issues. Many of us think we’ve handled all that stuff, but it has a way of creeping into our subconscious at the most inappropriate times. Think about your past and whether there are some old messages about being Gay or bisexual that are still lingering there. Maybe you were teased, did you ever feel like you didn’t fit in, or you did you have some other feelings of being an “outcast”? This can result in internalized homophobia—in other words, self-hate. Some people don’t even realize that any of those old childhood hurts are still lurking about and doing damage. You’ve probably read lots of books about this, but if not, there’s an excellent online bookstore, Lambda Rising, which carries some very helpful books. http://www.lambdarising.com/NASApp/store/IndexJsp
Well, there you have it—a whole litany of possible causes for you to chew on. Take a deep breath and dive in. Best of luck to you. Dr. J
I’m really glad you asked this question, because it gives us a chance to examine another area of erection concerns that hasn’t been discussed yet. Realize that I’m going to give you lots of possibilities, and your role is to figure out whether any of these fit for you, and then explore them.
Realize that the more you worry about getting an erection, the more stressed you feel, and so on. It sounds like some aspect of being sexual with a partner is problematic and creating conflicts for you. Let’s look at some potential issues.
Our society does a terrible disservice to men by raising them to think that their penis has to be 10 inches long, hard as a rock and last all night. It’s no wonder that many men feel insecure about their sexuality. Great sex involves your whole body; in fact, having great, mutually satisfying sex is usually quite the opposite of what you see in those performance-oriented sex videos.
The more you think of sex as being about performance, the more you’ll worry that your penis isn’t doing what you think it should. And this can be a vicious circle. For most of us, sex is about fun and pleasure. If you think of it as performance, or a “job,” you’ll set yourself for a stressful experience. Remember: Performance can be the enemy of pleasure and fun.
Men receive so many messages that sex is about pleasing a partner, rather than just enjoying the pleasure of it. Everything is goal-oriented—like a football game. The other message that many men receive is that sex is somehow dirty and wrong, unless you’re doing it for reproductive purposes. Sometimes this can creep into our unconscious thoughts and sabotage any pleasure we’re experiencing.
Two other reasons why you might not be having erections are that you’re bored with your current partner or with the sexual activities you’re doing together, or that there are some conflicts in the relationship and you’re feeling anxious or angry. What’s your partner's attitude about your sex together? Is he impatient with you, or is he putting any performance expectations on you? Why is it up to you to keep him happy? If he cares for you, then this is something for the two of you to explore together—it’s not just YOUR problem. It can be helpful to examine how you’re feeling about this and what else is going on in the relationship.
Lastly, you may be feeling conflicted because of some unresolved sexual orientation issues. Many of us think we’ve handled all that stuff, but it has a way of creeping into our subconscious at the most inappropriate times. Think about your past and whether there are some old messages about being Gay or bisexual that are still lingering there. Maybe you were teased, did you ever feel like you didn’t fit in, or you did you have some other feelings of being an “outcast”? This can result in internalized homophobia—in other words, self-hate. Some people don’t even realize that any of those old childhood hurts are still lurking about and doing damage. You’ve probably read lots of books about this, but if not, there’s an excellent online bookstore, Lambda Rising, which carries some very helpful books. http://www.lambdarising.com/NASApp/store/IndexJsp
Well, there you have it—a whole litany of possible causes for you to chew on. Take a deep breath and dive in. Best of luck to you. Dr. J
You are reading content posted in the Erectile Dysfunction Forum
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