i have read through so many posts on this site but cant really find one specifically answering my concerns..
i have been with my 36 year old boyfriend nearly 2 years. he is perfect, caring, loving. the only problem we are having is that he has been unemployed for a year and doesnt appear to have any motivation to look for a job.
i found a porn dvd at my boyfriends flat 4 weeks ago. i have a huge issue with porn, i guess due to finding my dads stash when i was small. i know its my problem that i now associate all men looking at porn as being dirty old men and i tackled the problem head on, told my boyfriend my problem with it and after he reassured me i was being silly, it was a one off and he wouldnt get another dvd (which i threw away).
anyway, that night i also accidentally also found a load of kamagra pills (viagra bought online). my initial thought was that he was some kind of sex freak, using his many hours in the day takin viagra and watching porn . it turns out he says hes had erectile dysfuntion for many years and has been using viagra all this time without me knowing. he says he can get an erection but cant maintain it.. i was actually relieved and reassured him totally, saying i would go to the docs with him if thats what he wanted.
then this morning when he left early i decided to look through his dvds and found another . it wasnt there before. took the dvd and drove home.
im now left thinking, hes lied to me saying that it was just a one off and now he knows how upset it makes me he wont do it again. hes obviously taking these pills when im not around just so as he can get off to these dvd's. .
i need some unbiased advice as to whether its me being unreasonable and i should accept that he will watch porn regardless of how it makes me feel. is he watching it because hes self medicating and its leaving him over-horny all day long?
Your question is quite complex and not easily answered within the brief format of this forum, so my answers may seem a bit abrupt.
You ask what you “should do.” As an adult, you have to decide that for yourself. Here’s some perspective:
You may have some unrealistic expectations about relationships. Between women’s romantic ideals and men’s sexual scripts, there are bound to be conflicts. Most men don't seek erotica online because anything is wrong in the relationship, but because men are usually much more visually stimulated than women, and erotica turns them on in ways that are different (but not “better than”) partner sex. Some women think that if a man likes erotica, it means he’s not turned on to them. However, sex research has shown that this is not necessarily the case.
It also sounds to me like you feel if your partner self-pleasures, he’s “unfaithful” or doesn’t want you. Many women think that once they’re in a relationship the partner will only want to have sex with them, eschewing self-pleasuring. Nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, people self-pleasure from birth to death, whether partnered or not. It’s just a part of the sexual personality. Most of us like variety. When your partner is self-pleasuring, he’s not necessarily doing it because of anything you lack, but because it’s a different experience for him than sex with you. Not better; just different, like pizza and steak. If this is a problem for you, you need to discuss it with him. If you’re never going to be comfortable with a partner who self-pleasures, then you’re going to spend a lot of your life “hurt and confused” because it’s highly unlikely you’ll find a partner who is willing to ignore that important part of his sexuality.
Some couples feel that if they don’t do everything together, there’s something amiss; however, most of us need variety and need alone time in order to develop our own perspectives, etc. Here’s an example:
I have a friend who calls herself a “golf widow.” She’s been married for over 10 years, in a very happy and loving relationship. In fact, she and her husband adore each other. AND whenever he has enough free time, he’s at the golf course, playing golf and hanging out with his friends. Why? Not because he doesn’t love her and want to be with her, but because golf fulfills something for him, and he needs to be his own person from time to time—away and apart from her. There’s nothing wrong with the marriage; he just needs alone time, as does she.
This is quite different than the man who spends all of his time at the golf course in order to AVOID going home because he’s unhappy in his marriage.
It sounds to me like your boyfriend is just expressing his need to be separate and apart from you. If you try to regulate this by setting yourself up as his supervisor, that’s the fastest way I can think of to destroy your sexual relationship. After all, who wants to have sex with their mother?
Please don’t fall into the trap of believing unscientific explanations for others’ behavior by labeling someone’s behavior an “addiction.” Some substances can be addictive (e.g., heroin), while some peoples’ behaviors can be compulsive (e.g., constantly washing hands because of germ phobia), other behaviors are merely habits or dependencies. There is no way of telling whether this is the case with your boyfriend because he can’t be here to discuss his feelings in his own words. Because it’s new, the Internet is scary for many, and it’s easy to look for simple answers to complex problems. Well-meaning people will quote all kinds of stories, but most of these are just unsubstantiated opinions, not grounded in science. Remember that when automobiles were invented, it was predicted they’d destroy women’s “morals.” Same with the telephone. Many of these sites that predict porn damage are based on moralistic views, not science.
Which brings me to my last point. You need to get some perspective and insight about your own feelings of self-worth. Clearly, his activities are triggering some insecurity in you. And the two of you need to talk with each other about what each of your expectations is of the relationship. If he truly feels that looking at erotica is a problem for him (not because of you, but because of his own feelings), then he should see a therapist who is trained to help people with sexual issues. You cannot be involved in that process; it has to be his own. The worst mistake some women make is to set themselves up as “behavior sheriffs” because their partners then inevitably begin to feel guilty if they screw up, and guilt is the enemy of sexual attraction. Best of luck to you. Dr. J
thanks for the reply, ive been going out of my mind today thinking about it all.
i wasnt expecting that actually, i hadnt even heard of porn-induced ED.
i am trying to watch your recommended videos but cant get any sound on my laptop today! typical!
its knowing now what to do about now it i guess, and i appreciate you cant really advise me on that one! i dont want to serioiusly hurt his feelings/pride but then hes already taken the big step of telling me about the problem.. after i discovered his viagra pills. but at the same time, he is quite clearly not considering my feelings at all when hes already promised it was a "one off" once he realised how strongly i felt about it all..
its knowing what to do about it now i guess. how the hell do i broach a subject like that without seriously embarrassing him and denting his already well dented pride. then at the same time, im not sure that i can deal with something like this myself. i dont want to have a boyfriend who CANT stop watching porn. in my "ideal world" he would stop being such a lazy swine, get a job, get a life and then hopefully be too damn tired at the end of the day to want to sit there... doing that!
hi janice. thank you for repying. and i appreciate your straight talk.
this has most definitly triggered something off in me but im not sure they are "insecurities". i am the most chilled out, trusting, relaxed girlfriend on the planet. i am comfortable within my own body - slim, attractive etc. we have the closest, most intimate and trusting relationship ever! my issue is the way i associate porn - with my dad / dirty old men! when i found the first dvd at my boyfriends flat i tackled him head on and explained all of this. he was so understanding and after a lot of tears (my tears) his word were "now that i can see how much it upsets you, i promise you there is nothing in the flat and there wont be again". i told him how much this reassured me, that i was sorry for having such extreme views on it al and that since he has said that to me i felt so much better and wouldnt mention it again.
well its been 4 weeks and i found another one - which wasnt there before. im scared that palpeteit has made a good point about addiction and combined with the taking of the viagra pills - and his massive lack of motivation to do anything about getting a job - that it may be this porn induced ed. i know you say that this is not a scientific explanation, but if you read the blog on this subject there are thousands of young guys claiming that once they considered they might have porn induced ed and did something about it, it changed their lives.
i just cant stop myself from thinking, if i meant THAT much to him (which im sure i do), then why cant he do this one request from me. ive never asked anything from him before.
im not daft either, i know that if im looking for a man who doesnt watch porn then i may as well resign myself to being a spinster. id just like to think that its not such a vital part to their life that if i explain my reasons and ask them not to watch it, they might respect that.... im going to wind up being a crazy single lady with loads of dogs arent i....!!!
You can always find well-meaning people who will tell you that something correlates to something else; however, scientists will tell you that correlation doesn't equal causation. For instance, every time the moon is full, some dogs bark. Can we then conclude that dogs barking causes the moon to be full? Of course not.
Let's look at the pertinent facts:
You state your bf is perfect, except he's unemployed, won't get a job, and lies to you. This is perfection?
Your true issue is a conflict about sex, not porn. Why haven't you had a serious talk about sex? Why didn't he tell you he was using Viagra? Why would he tell you he'd stop using erotica and then continue to do so? How is your sex life together?
I ask these questions because in my private practice, I see more and more people who want to talk about fears around erotica, rather than the real issue for them, which is sexual dissatisfaction. Sometimes we don't realize we're dissatisfied because it's more convenient to blame something else.
As I said, it's time to have a long talk with your partner and decide what you want to do--together--to improve your sexual relationship. And it's time for your bf to look at why he's avoiding getting a job. This is just a symptom of something more important (e.g., perhaps he's clinically depressed or has some other mental health issues). Best of luck to you. Dr. J
hi janice. i know you must be a very busy lady and i appreciate your reply, i dont expect you to keep replying. just to let you know though - and any other who may read this and wonder what ive done about this all...
i went to see my doctor yesterday and have been referred for councilling. i know if have extreme views that need to be dealt with. my doctor thinks that having found my dads porn at such a young age may have traumatised/shocked me in some way.
i have also made my boyfriend aware of whats happened and he is supportive. we havent seen each other face to face yet but i hes basically said how disappointed he is that i didnt speak to him straight away. he says he had forgotten about the second dvd which is hard for me to believe but probably the least of my problems. im praying that he doesnt need/want to keep watching porn but im hoping with councilling i will be able to deal with things more rationally.
i agree that we need a good chat about.. everything. i thought our sex life was good but maybe im disallusioned about that one as well! and yes, i totally agree that the job thing is a big problem but il have to deal with one thing at a time i think.
i have now managed to get myself out of the state of panic that i was in before when i was convinced he was a porn addict with porn induced ed. i appreciate this still may be the case, but i believe now that there are far more likely explanations - men just like porn!
i have to say that im gutted to think that society says that it is ME who had a problem and who needs to seek councilling to enable me to accept that my boyfriend/men want to watch other women having willies stuck up their bums etc (im trying very hard to be polite here), but i can see now that this is just the way of the world.
thanks for the advice. fingers crossed i will be able to meet up with my boyfriend soon without wanting to chop it off !!
Glad to hear you're taking positive steps. And no one said it was only YOU who have a problem. Whenever something is interfering with a relationship, it's a problem for BOTH people. Your bf obviously has issues too and would benefit from counseling. My very best wishes to you for happiness. Dr. J
May I ask you how to define whether you partner is addicted to porn or not? My hubby and I were married 6 years. The only real sex we had was when we dated each other and I found that he took viagra to have sex later on. After we got married,we rarely could have sex since he had ED. His ED is from his heart mermer, plus he is taking 2 kinds of high blood pressure pills. I felt so hurt at the beginning before he told me he has this problem for a while.
Then I found out that he would spend 3-4 hours looking at porns and have masturbation when he has a chance. If he gets to the computer, he will search porn websites. And whenever he stays home from work, he would masturbate for 2-3 hours at least. He said he had hard time erect because his job is stressful plus his illness. The reason why he likes to masturbate is because he can focus easiler and ejaculate easiler. He also said he did the masturbate for keeping the blood flow so that his penies don't get damage. I don't know whether masturbation really does help the blood flow to the penies and I don't know his habbit watching porn is addiction or not. I am so confused and I felt hopeless all the time.
For 6 years, I can't have one real sex. Whenever I want to have sex, he would have to watch the porn and when he gets hard, he came to me, played a little bit, then intercourse, then ejaculate quickly.Even he took viagra, he still needed to watch porn first to get hard. He never approached to me and said he wanted me. I got so depressed all the time and I could only said to myself, he would be fine since he kept promised me that he would lose weight and changed his Job to get rid of the stresses. We've been discussed this topic for a long time but nothing has changed. I also suggested to see the doctor, but he said he saw them before and none of them helped. He said nothing can help for his problem and the only thing to keep his penis working is watching porn and masturbate more.
Lately, I found he took pictures of teen girls' legs in the street. I asked him why he did that, he said that's for masturbate and that's nothing. I really don't know what to do with this! I've been upset, cried and let him know how I feel ignored. He said he understand how I feel which I don't think so because he seems to live in his dream world. Sometimes he even got mad and screamed at me saying every men watch porns. I tried to understand his stress and his illness plus I do agree most of men watch porns.That's why I don't care when he wants to masturbate once a week. But he took pictures of teen girls' legs; whenever he gets to the computer,he would look for porn;wants to masturbate as much as he can and he even printed out girls pictures at work. For me, this is out of my limit.
I felt so bad all the time and I don't know what to help him. I do love him so much since he is a very nice guy to me, plus his my first love. I cried a lot for this, and now he is so impatient and saying I never understand him. What can I do?? Can you give me some suggestion for our relationship? I love him and I don't want to divorce him because he has his own problem. All I want is helping him to get to normal and live healthier. Any suggestion will be appreciated!
Sorry to reply my problems in your forum. Hope you don't mind. I felt how you felt when I read your post. Hope you can update after you seek councilling, what they suggest you and how's your relationship with your boyfriend now.
of course i dont mind you replying on here. i really understand how you are feeling. i could handle finding out that my boyfriend has ED (even though i was disappointed that he had hidden it from me for nearly two years), but i cant handle him using porn. my boyfriend now says he will not use it again, fingers crossed he is telling me the truth - i do believe him but if i found anything again im relly not sure what my reaction would be.
i will let you know how i get on with the councilling - my first session is on the 18th august. ive gone from feeling like i have to end my relationship to feeling "OK" and thats just from sitting down and having a good chat with my boyfriend about it all. in fact, i printed off this forum conversation and let him read it all. i dont know all of the facts about ED but from what i have read, yes, there can be a problem with blood not flowing to the penis properly and viagra can help with this. but ive not read anywhere (and this isnt just me being anti-porn) that porn and masturbation can help with blood flow!
anyway, i will let you know how i get onn and any other information that i come accross. good luck, all the best x
Thanks for your reply. I really appreciated it! I just read another forum about" Too much porn/masturbation cause ED", the more I read the more I confirmed my guessing. There are a lot of men have ED issue if they are addicted to porn. I cried a lot while I was reading it because I really felt sad for all these years. You can also show that forum to your boyfriend and hopefully, they all understand what they are doing is hurting their health instead of helping them.
Same as you, I really don't mind he has ED because I love him. And I give him support all the time trying to work things out, thinking postive. He kept telling me to search online and learnt masturbation helps the blood flowing to penis, I trust him so I didn't really search for it. But lately, by found out he took pictures of teen girls' legs, I knew he was out of control. He never thought too much porn and masturbation is hurting his health since he did that since he was like 12. Yesterday, I searched online and found your post, found a lot of men have problem if they are addicted to porn. I only can find a few saying that masturbation helps a little bit of blood flow but for long run, it doesn't help that much.
I just sent him that post and asked him to read the post one by one and hoping he realizes his problem. I also searched for the councilling yesterday, he agreed to go together. So I will see whether that will help our relationship.
I will also update my councilling if we went. Hope you and me can be stronge and face this situation postive.
Watch the goddamn porn with him for Christ's sake. He obviously enjoys pornography, as it is intended for. Without sounding crude, do you masturbate yourself? if not, why not? He is living a completely reactionary life. In your absence he may feel sexual. Would you rather he goes out and uses that viagra on a hooker or two, or polishes his own bishop. Suggest that you both sit and watch the pornography with him. Maybe you could take a viagra, as its good for the libido of both men and women. Have a good evening together. If your television is big enough it could be like a distant orgy without the embarrassingly awkward moments when you all wake up together.
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