I will try to answer your question, but I can't quite understand some of your writing, and your question is quite complex.
First, let’s clear up something: you’re NOT the problem. There’s nothing wrong with you—or your penis. It sounds to me as though you have an expectation that your wife “should” orgasm with penis-vagina (p-v) stimulation and that no matter how long it takes, you should hang in there. The fact is that most women DON’T orgasm during p-v sex. It’s a much more effective way for men to orgasm than women.
A major difference between women and men is that generally, the clitoris needs constant direct or indirect stimulation, unlike the penis. Many men think they have to last a very long time in order to please their partner, yet most studies show that around 75% of all males have an orgasm within 2 minutes of beginning penis-vagina (p-v) sex . While many women enjoy p-v sex, for at least 40-50% of them, it usually doesn’t result in orgasm. Why? Because most p-v sex doesn’t provide the steady pressure and reliable stimulation women need for orgasm.
I think you and your wife are putting way too much pressure on your poor penis to be perfect. I can assure you that what makes a great lover has nothing to do with erections and everything to do with being open to trying new things, being imaginative and spontaneous, and, most importantly, treating your whole body and a partner's whole body as sexual, not just your crotch. Trust me: your mind and interpersonal skills are most important.
So relax and stop putting pressure on yourself. If you'd like to explore lasting longer, here are some techniques:
First, slow down during self-pleasuring and unlearn that old pattern of quick orgasm. Try teasing yourself by stimulating yourself just to the point where you feel you’re about to orgasm, then backing off and relaxing, and then beginning again. This will give you a sense of control as well as teach you to recognize your own point of no return (when you know you're about to have an orgasm, no matter what). Another thing to try is when you feel yourself getting close to orgasm, relax, breathe deeply, and cease movement. Some men also find they last longer if they have an orgasm on their own awhile before beginning partner sex. This tends to take the edge off, if you will.
Once you feel in control of your orgasm, you can also examine whether you have any feelings of discomfort with being sexual—either with yourself or with a partner. These feelings of discomfort can create extreme conflict and cause you to feel the need to get it over with quickly. If you look at sex as something to finish quickly—get it up, get it in, get it off—you’ll need to let go of that old mentality. And naturally, any relationship conflicts can also contribute. For instance, if you’re worried that your wife is going to judge you as less manly, this can contribute to your anxiety.
So talk with her about this. If you and your wife are flexible and open to trying new things, you’ll both have smiles on your faces as the years go by. Dr. J
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