How do you know if your donor is the ONE?

[Keep_alive_kicking]

I am about to start my donor cycle and I kind of feel stressed about the donor I chose.
I have dark hair and dark eyes and I live in a small country. My hubby has very similar characteristics like me. Because of the small country, there is not a big selection of donors to pick from. Mainly the donors come from Eastern European countries and my donor, actually the one who my RE picked up for me since he gave me only one option, is Ukranian. Ukranians are usually blonde with coloured eyes. My RE said that this one is not but the second time I asked him he could not remember very well and he said to me whatever I said the first time.
I know that in the end I just want a baby to hold and to love (no matter the colour of hair and eyes) but this anonymous process of not seeing even a picture of the donor makes me a bit worried and gives me some nightmares.
Dont get me wrong, I am excited and I want this to work more than anything, but I wonder whether it is normal to feel like this or whether I should investigate more on who my donor should be or what characteristics she should have.
I would really appreciate any feedback on this issue from any woman who is trying to have a baby.
Thank you

[AnnieBrooke]

Good luck, I hope it works out for you perfectly.  Incidentally, I would hesitate to brand someone 'selfish' for not wanting the cost, responsibility and worry of another child, I would take his concerns seriously.  That wouldn't stop me from pressing for another child.  I would just try to do it with serious concern over his issues in my heart.  An unwilling or grudging attitude about the difficulties of raising a child in a husband is tough when you are a mother.  I'd work on making him willing and trying to get him to see the good aspects of it, rather than put him on the defensive by calling him selfish.

[Keep_alive_kicking]

I really appreciate your comments and you are absolutely right about what you are saying to me. However, we are talking about a country with a total population of only 800,000 people so finding a donor is not easy.
The clinics who do IVFs here are very popular to people from aboad because it is much cheaper than in other countries, so all of them have the same attitude and if you dont like this attitude you can go elsewhere. This is how things are done and you should go along. That is the attitude.
I was talking to hubby about my concerns and when I pushed him hard to tell me how he would feel if he was in my position, he kind of said that he would not go for the donor thing since he has a child of his own already.
Isn't that very selfish to say? I would do it for him for sure even if I had a child of my own.
I feel that if I want a child very bad I have to give it a try with the donor the RE recommended. I dont think I will have more or better options in the future and I cannot afford to travel to get a donor from abroad.

[Mariana101]

Yes, she looks like me but she is blonder, I just highlight my hair so I guess if I have a blond baby it wouldn't be so different.

I will tell you a story. I have a 16 year old girl who looks NOTHING LIKE ME!!!! and I mean NOTHING! She is a copy of my ex husband, actually she has a bit like me but it is because I raised her by myself since she was two so she has my manerisms. Sometimes she even tells me that she wishes she could look like someone :( since her father is not around. People have never asked me if she is my daughter or not!
I ADORE THAT CHILD with all my heart!!!! and you will adore your baby whether she/he looks like you or not..... She/he will bring the best features from your hubby and the donor. I'm sure she/he will be a beautiful child. I have blue eyes and nobody in my family does so go figure, then my nieces and nephews have blue eyes and my siblings and their wives/husbands don't.

Pray for a healthy baby!!!! I hope we all have HEALTHY babies and trust God, but at the same time ask for more things about the donor until you are satisfied. Follow your instinct!!!! If is not this donor it will be another one. I just don't want you to wonder all your life if you should have asked this and that. You are paying big money, I assume, I am anyways, so the doctor needs to be more serious about it!

XOXOXOCO

[AnnieBrooke]

My RE required a mammogram, a pelvic exam, a pap smear, VD tests, cystic fibrosis screening, and a raft of other tests (including a psychological consult with us as a couple to discuss our feelings about parenthood).  I don't like the sound of your clinic, what makes you certain it is the best?  Your doctor is being appallingly vague about the donor, and they should have insisted your mammogram be up to date.  We got to see our donor's pictures and a long questionnaire she filled out about her health, her family members' health, her reasons for donating, and her ethnic background, etc.  I picked a donor who looked enough like me that nobody who knew us casually would look at my child and wonder where the heck he sprang from, but would just assume he came from me.  How far along in the process are you with this clinic?  Do you feel it's too late to switch?

[Keep_alive_kicking]

You are right, I should not worry about looks. I should worry about this process working because there are no guarantees and I still have the fibroid.
My hubby's grandmum is red haired also and my hubby's hair is total black :)
Thank you...

Has anyone of you thought of having a mammogram before this procedure? I have not done one in more than 2 years so I wonder whether I should be doing one, Have your REs mentioned anything about this?

[Kricket212]

Maria,   Since we had many talks & have been thinking much about this.  I am not sure that I mentioned my husbands mom is blond.  They are also 100% Greek.
He also has one first cousin that has blue eyes.  I have no idea where that came from but it happened.
On my side my dad's 2 sisters have red hair. Also have cousin & his son with red hair.
I am blond.
Can you imagine if I have a half greek son with Red hair..LOL  That would be so funny but yet, I would love that child no matter what.  
Stay strong & once you feel that baby growing inside you, I think you will start feeling differently.  XOXXO  Donna

[Keep_alive_kicking]

Thank you all for your comments.
At the end what is important is to have a child in my arms.
It is just that me and hubby have especially dark features and a blonde looking baby even though I am sure would look fantastic would be far from what what we look like :)
What stranges me is the fact that my RE just presented me with one donor and said she is a very good choice for me. When I asked general questions about her family history (illnesses, etc) he said everything is fine but he did not sound very sure.
When I asked about her personality he just said that she seems a nice person. He did admit that her only motive for doing this is the money.
This is one of the best clinics so I guess I have to trust him.
Generally, I am a person who likes to control things but I guess this time I have to depend on somebody else because there is not much I can do to find out more.
He did not even give me a profile of her. Isn't that strange?


Mariana101: Did you get to see pictures of your donor? That is wonderful. Does she look like you?

[mhv]

Are you in another country though?  Things may be different there with donors?  But, Mariana has a great point about the baby looking like him : )

[Mariana101]

You are never stuck with a donor. I finally chose my THIRD one and hopefully things will get moving now. The first one moved away, the second, my hubby and I were not in the same page with her, the third one came to us, literally, we did not find her, the agency lady did and she is AWESOME!!! When we both read her profile we knew she was the one. We laughed so much with her profile. She is just a girl I will love to hang out with, if you know what I mean! You will feel it!!! However, I do have tons of pics from her. I'm not sure I will be OK with  doctor picking up my donor. It's too much of a big deal to me. But if you are from a small country and donors are not really that available, well, good luck to you but I will still ask more questions to the doctor. After all half of your child genetics come from the donor.
GOOD LUCK TO YOU!!!!!!
And BTW if your husband is dark hair and dark eyes, those are dominant fenotype over blond/blue eyes so the baby could look just like him:)
I'm sorry you are feeling this way and I wish I could help more, but I guess you are very close to start and your dream may come true very soon so hang in there:)

[AnnieBrooke]

Are you stuck with that donor?  There are other donor agencies around.

[mhv]

Every clinic I have looked into, gives you the general characteristics, ie: hair color, eye color, ht, wt, ect.  I just think it's a personal choice.  I personally don't care if my baby looks like me or not. (i will be using donor).  I just want a health happy baby.  Some people care more. I think it's a personal preferance.  but a hard one at that.
I can tell you this... my sis in law has reddish/brown hair and my bro in law has dark brown hair, and they have 2 kids that are as blone as blonde can be, and they were conceived naturally.  So you just never know : )
anyway, You could always ask the clinic for general information (maybe the nurse instead of the doctor)... that's what I would do if I were you.  
Good Luck!!  You have an awesome chance of this working!!!!