Products of Conception after Miscarriage

[YvetteY]

I was just wondering what to do about the fetal remains /product of conception?   I miscarried at hm in Dec at about 8 weeks.  Went to ER, but ended up having natural miscarriage at home.  I felt the tissue pass and I couldn't bear to throw it away or flush it down the toilet.  I was devastated, of course, and I couldn't let go.  

In Chinese culture I read that the mother bury's the tissue and gets a statue.  But what do we do here?  I'm Catholic and believe that life begins at conception.  I don't really see the baby as just "medical waste".  We were going to get fetal remains cremated (gratis) but since I couldn't provide a fetal death certificate (they won't issue unless you're greater than 20 weeks) the funeral home couldn't cremate.

Doesn't this baby's demise deserve some recognition.  Obviously, funeral is ridiculous, but any advice is welcome.  

Maybe I should bury and put a pretty plant in the spot.  I wish I could have cremeted, then I could keep ashes with me. I would bury in the back yard, but DH's dogs are stupid and dig everything up.  

Does anyone else have this dilemma?  You must think I'm weird, but it's been hard for me to find closure.  I still have the fetal remains at home the way back of our freezer.  I need to something about it.  DH thinks it's creepy.

[mamawend]

This isn't creepy at all and many mothers share your dilemma.  I was the Perinatal Bereavement coordinator for our hospital and for years we didn't have anything to offer and it bothered me.  We decided to offer a group cremation since many of these babies are too small to produce any ashes.  We'd have mom's bring the "products of conception" as they are called, to the hospital and we'd store them until we had enough to give us ashes, then have them cremated and bury them in the plot where we offer burial for all babies lost in the perinatal period that are cremated.  It is a regular plot in a lovely cemetery and has a beautiful granite headstone.  We have a memorial service once a year that parents can invite family to that is for all these little ones.  Maybe your hospital has something similar?  If not, having your own funeral is a great option.  Plan what you would like, invite those you want to come and to participate, and do it yourself!  These can be very special as well and give you the closure and respect you need to be able to move on.  My best to you and your family over this difficult loss.  Wendy Roberts

[LivingImage]

I know I am joining this conversation very late, but I just miscarried my twins yesterday. I was about 9 weeks pregnant, but based on an ultrasound I believe they stopped growing at least 2 weeks ago. Life does indeed begin at conception and my little babies are now at home with God. I don't know why I miscarried and maybe I never will know, but my twins Jean Marie and Julian Marie know how much their daddy and I loved them (and still do) and we will all be reunited at the end of this short life. I placed the remains in the freezer inside a bag that was inside a box, and am going to bury them in our backyard. To prevent animals from digging them up, my husband dug a hole 3-feet deep. The remains are in an air-tight plastic bag, that I will place inside a beautiful glass box that someone gave us as a wedding gift. That box will be inside a cardboard box wrapped with rose paper, and tied inside a black plastic bag. That way, no animals will be attracted to the scent. I also purchased a big bag of landscaping stones at Lowes, that I will pour on top of the bag before I cover the hole with earth, so there is NO WAY that any pet or other animal will disturb my babies' precious little bodies. I am not taking any chances. I purchased six pots of pretty flowers, including roses, a lilac bush, daisies and petunias to plant all around the grave, and we are going to buy a bench next and an engraved memorial stone so that it can be our little prayer garden.
These babies are my babies as much as any child who is born and lives on earth for a longer time will be, and they deserve as much respect as I would give my other children.

By the way, most states refuse to issue a birth certificate or death certificate or even stillborn certificate unless your miscarriage was later than 20 weeks. Because of that, their remains are not legally considered "human remains" (although obviously they are totally human!) and that means it IS legal to bury them on private property.

Had they lived as long as I so desperately hoped they would, I would have fed and clothed them and paid for their education for many years while they grew up. That is why even though what we are doing might be a little expensive, it is worth it. They are my beloved children. Did you give your babies a name? That really helped my husband and I with our grieving process.

"There is no sorrow that heaven cannot heal"

[Jewels432]

Your story of truth made me swell iwth tears as i read it. I had a miscarraige about two 3 and a half years ago. Whn i looked in the toilet i was so sad and acared. I had my boyfriend at the time look and verify for me. The bad part is that i had no idea iwas even pregnant.  I flushed it. now looking back i wish that i had done something different. I also lost the twin to my first born around 17 weeks. this is very devastating to go thru. Be strong!!

[dee0426]

We miscarried at 16 weeks - that was our second of 4 miscarriages and the others only went 6-8 weeks - I know too well the "fish or flush" dilemma - it's so hard to tell - two I flushed, one buried in a small place in the corner of our pretty yard - the one at 16 weeks - that was a baby you could hold in your hand, but again, no death certificate or cremation was offered, I am just learning about that here - but I was so stumped as to what to do with her if I took her home -  and the hospital was so supportive but offered no suggestions -  in the end we had her baptized and we left her there. I wish I could go back, I still don't know what I would have done differently, I just didn't know!  We are having our 3rd baby now, last one  (smile) and we're 18 weeks. Things are great!  Stay strong!  And if your heart and body can bear it, try again, those babies will make their way to you if it is meant to be  :)

[anxiousmomtobe?]

I created a memorial garden in my front yard for my babies.  I did not bury the tissue there, I flushed some and they took the rest at the hospital.

[YvetteY]

That's a good idea about planting a tree. I may do that. I like that idea.

Rita - I'm glad you did the same thing. It's crazy, I just didn't know what to do.  Unfortunately, no one I know has a gravesite (G-parents were cremated) beause I would have done that.

[pixijal]

I concur with you, I am Catholic, and life begins at conception.  I didn't keep mine in the freezer, but I can see why people do.  I flushed it down the toilet, after I cried and said a prayer.  I just didn't know what else to do with it.  It was awful!  We are planting a tree in the yard in memory of the baby.  

That's funny about the dog digging stuff up...
Mine would too.  Take care.

[YvetteY]

I like that idea of planting something.  How many babies did you lose?

[shesherm]

Like someone else said what about a garden...but in the front yard where the dog cant get to.  We planted trees for 2 students at my school and we gave a friend a "giving tree" (Shel Silverstein) when her mother passed a beautiful bougivila that she could see the beautiful flowers and remember her mother.  good luck

[rita02]

i understand what you are feeling. with my first mc i couldn't bear to flush it so the baby stayed in the freezer for quite some time. we ended up taking it to my husbands grandfathers grave and just digging a little hole and putting it there. i have lost 6 babies total and believe i will see them in heaven one day. i pray for them and that God would just love on them until the time comes when i can. hang in there. God Bless~

[YvetteY]

thanks for your help.   I would like to bury it with the other miscarried babies.  I did as my Parish, and they were helpful and got a funeral home to agree to cremate the remains, but then funeral hm couldn't do that because it was human tissue and I didn't have a fetal death certificate.  

We also had a Mass offered for Baby.  So that was comforting.  I think I will look for a Catholic Cemetary and see if I can bury it with the other miscarried babies.  

This has just come up again, because DH found it in the freezer again.

[kwame's girl]

OMG I totally understand you. I m/c in Nov and at home as well. Mine came out in the toilet and I could not even bear to look at it. I had my friend look at it to confirm. When I got to ER they asked me if I brought it in and I was mortified to think that people did that. I feel guilty of flushing it now but at the time I was in shock and did not even want to look at it.
Sorry I can't offer any advice on what to do but I think the plant would have been a good idea, if not for the dogs :(
Stay strong and know that God will take care of you...

[tina1111]

My church (Catholic)has a cemetary just for mc babies. There aren't any names or headstones. Just a quiet little area with a large plaque stating what the area is. There are a lot of people who go there to pray for them. Ask someone at your church, if your parish doesn't have one, another one nearby may.