TTC Meltdown

[SDScientist]

I had the most ridiculous meltdown last night.  Just wanted to share in case anyone else has had these or be maybe have my issues validated, who knows.  DH and I were on our way to a baseball game and one of my friends called to tell me she was pregnant and see how I was doing with the IVF process since my 1st try failed.  I was so happy for her especially since she had an MC last year and the same week her DH had a heart attack and her dad was in the hospital.  The girl deserves some happiness.  Anyway I was fine with it...didn't make me think about my crappy situation.  Then she said "well we don't seem to have any trouble getting pregnant" and it sent me for an emotional loop.  I know she had no way of knowing this would make me emotional...the fact that it did caught me off gaurd.  Then knowing I was having an "episode" in the middle of the game my dh turns to be and says you know such and such just had their second baby.  I have only met these people once and could have done w/o knowing yet another person so quickly conceived.  After I talked myself out of slapping him :)  I said "yeah everyone we know will have kids, we won't and I will be miserable the rest of my life".  Then I nearly burst into tears and made him leave in the 6th inning.  I didn't speak the rest of the night and cried when I got home.  I swear what is wrong with me.  Of course this morning I felt like an idiot.  I am usually so positive, but sometimes I can have such a pity party and convince myself this will never happen for us.  

[cosmickris]

This is exactly how I feel. And this is so hard! I'm so sorry for all women who faced infertility. I was born without a uterus. I always knew I will never be able to conceive and carry a baby. Still this is really hard. Literally everyone around is getting pregnant, giving birth and rising their children. Of course this makes me sad! I'm happy for my friends, for my relatives, for my colleagues, etc. But I constantly asking "why this is not me?" I want to become a mother more than anything else. This is so unfair! This is so hard to see photos of children on Facebook and other social networks. Sometimes I really have to unfollow people because this is too hard. Sometimes I have to make up reasons not to come for baby showers and babies’ birthdays. This is too much for me. After such events I feel myself so broken. I wish all of us to find a way out which will lead us to motherhood! All of us should be strong and keep going because we deserve to be happy!

[vsentz]

BIG BIG HUGS TO YOU.
I know exactly what you feel. Felt like that MANY MANY times.
I have gone thru heck and back, and i am almost sure no one means to hurt us (fertility challenged people...) =), but you still think that they are just plain mean and unconsiderate b*tches!

No one is telling you you are wrong, in fact, like someone said, you have every right to feel this way, just try to stay calm, and if you need time to step back from certain people, do so. This will help you be in peace until you heal your wounds......
=)

You are not alone sweetie.

[SDScientist]

Thanks everyone.  :)   I seemed to be more together over the weekend.  Started bc pills today to get ready for round 2 and hopefully get rid of this cyst.  Onward and upward...

[hopngfortwns08]

HEy,

you have every right to have any moment you feel like having!! nobody in this world can realte to your specific emotions. yes we all are on our specific infertility journey here, but ultimately we have diffrent issues. i just got my BFN as you know and it was a somewhat complete shock!! i have my best friend who isnt even married on baby number 3 which was unplanned and people having babies around me all the time. It will HAPPEN FOR US ALL! I BELIEVE THAT WITH ALL MY HEART AND SOUL:) you and i will start our FET soon hopefully and maybe that will be it for us.  What you need to do right now is take some time for yourself and just focus on you. Stay positive and keep your chin up :)

[sunflowersNC]

I know how you feel and I'm glad we can all vent here and support each other.  It's comforting to know that I'm not the only one going through this - esp. when everyone around me seems to get pregnant from drinking the water!
I had a meltdown this morning too - with all the timed BDing and routine BDing it's just getting to me and DH both - it's sucked all the romance out of things - and the spontaneity of things - it's become more of a chore - we can't wait til luteal phase so we can actually take a BREAK from all the BDIng and worrying if we have the timing right with Ov. and everthing.  
Just remember, we'll have our day of glory too someday when we get to tell friends and family the wonderful news!  

[kindergal]

Your meltdown was not ridiculous!!!  ALL of my girlfriends are baby-making machines!!!  I thought I was totally "cool" with all of our infertility issues---we have "unexplained" infertility.  My philosophy was whatever happens is what is meant to be...  UNTIL, I was in my Dr. office having yet another blood test and overheard this lady who was holding her newborn go on and on about how her baby's father does not even know she had the baby yet...he doesn't deserve to know. AND her baby was very colicy....Her pediatrician told her to stop smoking around him and that her breast milk was filled with smoke and was causing her baby to be sick and her newborn was even showing signs of asthma probably due to her smoking...blah, blah.  It was then that I started getting really irritated that I was the one in the chair going through test after test.......
I have private meltdowns as we are not really telling friends about all of this stuff.  I work with some nosy and gossipy gals and really do not want the questions.  Our families do not even know either.  My mom is a big worrier and I figure I should not worry her...there isn't anything she can do about it.  And my mother in law would tell everyone she knows!!!  I really do not need all of her church friends asking about my fertility!!!!  HA!  
This is a great forum...feel free to come here and "melt down" anytime!!!!!

[ALT76]

I feel your pain as well.  Like TTC said above - it's completely justified.  Don't EVER feel bad about feeling bad - sometimes you just gotta let it out.  I've at least gotten to the point where I don't instantaneously cry when I see a newborn baby or those "mother & newborn baby in the hospital" moments in a movie or on a commercial (at least, MOST of the time I don't cry anymore!)

I had a similar "caught off guard moment" when I was talking to a very old friend, whom I've recently rekindled a close friendship with because she's been having fertility issues too.  She just had surgery for endometriosis, but with the tissue removed they think IVF should work great for her.  We were discussing how awkward it would be to tell the other if we got pregnant, and I reassured her that I'd be very happy for her and to please tell me if it happened.  To that she replied, "well I'm sure I'll get pregnant long before you" and I know she didn't mean any harm by it, but I literally had to end the conversation almost immediately because it hurt so much to hear (because deep down I know she's probably right).

In fact, today I had another moment where I'm just recovering from a cyst rupture and still feeling ill, so my big event was walking 2 blocks to get a newspaper.  Out of nowhere (I live in a very small town) this little boy comes up to me, just while I'm thinking how tiring my short walk was and how sick of all this **** I am, and asks, "excuse me, do you have any kids?"  I think he was looking for someone to play with, but once again.... it definitely set me off a little bit.

So keep your chin up, it happens to us all and it is a very emotional process and therefore understandable to feel so sensitive about it.  

P.S. - give your dh a light smack upside the head for me!  :o)  (just kidding)

[SDteacher]

That is what we are all here for.....not just a place to ask questions, but to vent too so don't feel bad!   I have lost it too; plenty of times and DH hasn't always understood which made it worse.  But we get through the rough patches... all of us and good things will come our way.  It stinks to hear things like "We don't have problems conceiving."  I have actually temporarily stopped hanging out with friends that don't get it or are insensative (unknowingly).  It's okay to feel anger as well as sadness.  This is one of the most emotional things I have ever been through.  
I hope you are feeling better.  Don't feel like an idiot.  We have so many hormones racing inside as well as emotions.... it's okay to let them loose on occasion!!  8-)

[TTC obsession]

We all have those moments and they are completely justified.  It's hard when it seems to effect us so much but our DH don't seem to get the whole picture of why we NEVER stop thinking about it.  
I'm sure you are happy for your friend and we all are for other people but why the hell can't they see outside their world and realize you wouldn't tell someone in a wheelchair how much you loved running a marathon and how nothing else in life is as fullfilling :)  We all have our own trials and in some ways I am appreciative of the ttc trial because it does make you more sympathetic for others in their situations.  i have some great girlfriends that will have to go through the trial of not only never having children but also never having a DH.  I know that dosn't make it better for us but it is nice to have someone to love even if he never will understand all that we go through :)  Try to stay positive and "be believing" because it definately won't hurt you :)

[wishing4#2]

I know how you feel. You are allowed to have a pity party sometimes!! At Christmas my sil told us how the 2 children she has are so much work and complained and that she was done having kids, then a week later she called to say  "hey guess what Im pregnant". . . So it was an unplanned pregnancy and they weren't super excited, just whatever about it. . . I think i threw the grocery bag i was holding, ran to my bathroom took a hot tub and cried my eyes out for an hour. My dh probably thought i was crazy, i had not had a breakdown like that before. . . but i felt much better afterwards! Sometimes its just too much to take, and then we get over ourselves and move forward toward our goal again!! Good luck, baby dust, and hope your day was better today. :)