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Fertility / Infertility / IVF Community
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Avatar universal

This is SO unfair!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I went to talk to my RE today before my next round of IVF.  I came armed with my preg book and a million questions only to be shot down mid-way thru when the sad realization is that me and my eggs are just OLD! I told him women older than me were getting pregnant but he compared it to the number of accidents on the road! If you were to take a panel, more people on the road DONT get in accidents than those that DO so therefore most women my age are NOT getting pregnant vs. those that ARE. I almost had a break down right in front of him and drove home with a HUGE lump in my throat.  I began beating myself up mentally for all the dumb mistakes I made esp. for not thinking seriously about my age vs. having a baby later in life.... then as I am flipping the radio stations some minister was on there talking about suffering and why God allows bad things to happen to us. Basically God suffered for us so we are suffering for him but he is right there suffering along with us and it makes us stronger etc. etc.  I will say it made me feel a tad better but I still have the lump and can't seem to swallow it down.  Maybe when DH comes home the dam will burst and I can have my breakdown.

RE said I am doing everything possible.. I am not overweight, I eat right, don't smoke, no drugs, no health issues, had good egg recovery, 2 blastocycts etc etc etc.... He said no special diet or acupuncture (that is for stress only he says) nothing extra will change the fact that only 10% of women my age (43) who go thru IVF will get preggers.  I feel SO sad and helpless knowing I cannot do anything other than NOTHING and pray the next round works!  He is a very good doctor with an excellent reputation and I DO trust him but like anything uncertain you want to look for something wrong with him.  He was very nice today and took all the time I needed even though his office was packed... it made me feel good but still lousy overall knowing that there still won't be any guarantees!!  Sigh... I thought I would feel better writing it all out but I don't... I just feel so sad!
11 Responses
159063 tn?1247276417
ok lets break this down. what is your fsh, are you premenopausal, I feel for you, I am 39 and yet to get a bfp after 5 IUI.. did he explain to you what the problem is, I am soo sooo soooo sorry, I wish I could make this all better for you,  
Avatar universal
I am so sorry.  Did they test your FSH level?? If so, what was it?? I know that this might not make you feel much better but you really still have one major option....donor eggs.  Even if you're 50 (and I know you're 43) you'd have a GREAT chance of concieving this way.  And it would be mixed with your hubby's sperm and you'd get the joy of being pregnant.  Maybe something to look into if this doesnt work.
  I wish you the best...and, true, life isnt fair.
189192 tn?1261345228
10% means there is a chance and you just have to believe that you are part of that 10%.  It may not happen, but until then, just believe that if it is possible, that includes you!!  Have you been in a car wreck before???  I have.  A couple of them in fact.  Best of luck to you.  Hang in there.  
Avatar universal
There is nothing medically wrong... it is my eggs age.  When they did the genetic testing out of 10 eggs retrieved only 2 were healthy.  Had my FSH on April 9th and it was 7.5 (is that good or bad?).  Not sure I can emotionally do donor eggs yet.. in my mind it would be my husband having a baby with someone else.. maybe I will not feel that way later on.. people have told me once the baby was growing in me it feels like mine and I won't think this way but for right now, I am not sure that option is for me.. We are going to try IVF again in August.  Do you think this is too soon as I just tried in May. I am just so confused at this point..  I welcome any opinions or suggestions as this is all SO new to me and scary and sad and many many emotions going on right now.....
121828 tn?1333468091
I am soo sorry for your heartfelt situation. Although I don't have any answers for you, I can tell you that old eggs aren't just because of your age. I know someone right now that is carrying a baby after years of trying with a donor egg. She was only 30 when diagnosed w/old eggs and could absolutely not get pregnant. keep an open mind for an egg donor :) I wish you the best of luck!
Avatar universal
Thank you all so much for your support today.  I am starting to feel better....
Avatar universal
I am very sorry.  I know how much it hurts when we desire a child so bad and feel as if God is not listening or sometimes is being very unfair.  I also had an unsuccessful Ivf myself, the next through surrogacy and finally gave up.  As we were in the process of adoption I find out I was pregnant and mind you going on 3 months.  (irregular cycles).  Sadly my pregnancy ended at 22 wks due to an incompetent cervix.  It has been 5 months and I am anxious and inpatient.  I feel your pain but I refuse to give up.  I believe these are challenges that God gives us.  Please do not give up and know that it does get better.  Doctors are not God.  One doctor i went to about 6 years ago had to refer us out to another physician, because he bluntly told me that he really never thought i could have a baby.  Well, I did get pregnant, when i was not trying.  
178698 tn?1228777938
I haven't seen you on this forum before.  I haven't been on for a while either.  I'm in the same boat.  I'm 41.  I'm having m/c's left and right and I had the same feeling you just described after my visit to RE on monday.  


I am being told it's because of my age.  I want to do preimplantion genetic diagnosis so I can know for sure it's chromosomal problems.  I am so frustrated.   I wish I would have started trying to get pregnant a lot earlier than I did.  I figured that since my cycles were regular and I've been pregnant before that I wouldn't have any problems.  So I waited and didn't start this when I was 38 like I first thought about it.  

I have so many miscarriage books and have reasearched eveything under the sun about pregnancy, my age, etc and have yet to find an answer I like.  

I keep getting pregnant, but lose them right away.  The longest one I've had was almost 8 weeks, but I know the baby was on it's last limb before that.  

I have decided God has nothing to do with this and I don't blame him.  I know if God could have something to do with it, He would have.   I don't beleive the fact I can't keep a pregnancy has anything to do with "meant to be"   Because I should be, right now and would be if age weren't my issue.  

So like you I feel angy and mad and I just don't think it's fair either. !!!!  We're going to try the IVF with PGD and if that doesn't work, I think we will resort to donor eggs after a couple of IVF attempts.  

I know how you feel and if makes you feel any better you're not alone!    TinaI111 is also in her 40s she 41.   I saw we prove those stupid doctors wrong!!  You're right.   Lots  of women get pregnant in their 40s.  My boss got pregnant and has two kids when she was 42 or 44 or something like that.  So it's hopeful.






Avatar universal
Thanks so much... it just stinks so bad.. I don't FEEL 43 and look younger than my age and feel I AM younger, you know?  I can't believe that my 3 MC's were the result of bad eggs... I was 41 when I got preggers the 1st time and lost the preg... I just don't get it... the PGD testing was very helpful and I am glad you are doing that too.. They transfered the 2 good eggs well what the heck happened to them then?  Why did my bidy fail me?  I don't blame God at all.  In truth, I can only blame myself.  I just didn't think about it all then, you know.  I thought, my mom had 9 kids, we are a fertile family and I never even remotely though I would have these problems!  I am healthy and have good genes.. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine this would be my outcome thus far!  I have wanted a child since I was 18 but waited and did it the right way, when I was married and unfortunately it took me until 40 to get married to the right guy!! I can't kick myself now as much as I have already done so, and I can never have a do-over, but I just want this to work this second time SO bad!  We have spent a ton of money already... sighhhh... just so frustrating!!!  I can't imagine my life without a child... I love our many dogs but they can't fill in for a sweet precious baby...  I wish YOU luck and everyone else out there.. I know we can't ALL be lucky but dang nabit I sure hope for once, I am one of the lucky ones!!!!!  : /
211199 tn?1235004221
May 24th 2005 we lost our daughter.  I was also very angry with God.  Though a lot of soul searching and shouting matches with God, I came to hear him tell me everything is going to be okay.  There was a plan for me.

"For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord.  Plans to prosper you not for evil.  Plans to  offer you hope and a future"
Jeremiah 29:11

This has become my personal mantra.  It sometimes is hard to swallow.  I had it tattooed with a cross and two stars (one for DS and one for DD) on my back.  

I hope everyone holds on to their hope!  Best of luck to everyone.
Katie
Avatar universal
Honey I'm so sorry for your situation! Maybe you should do more tests or see another fertility specialist. Recently I read some post of a woman who had 6 ivfs with own eggs. Unfortunately all were unsuccessful. So now she's thinking about using donor eggs. Maybe you should look more into this option. But of course you should talk with fertility specialist first. I understand this is hard to try again, but you have to. Give yourself a little break. Get some good rest and then continue your "fight". Good luck!
1 Comments
mhv
this post is from 2007.  
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