advice from women who used donor eggs

[SHP]

I have two frozen embryos left of my own to try before I have to change to something else. I have been unsuccessful for so long.  I am 40 and trying to be real.  I am grieving over this being my last chance to have my own genetic child.  I made the decision to go to a donor egg if this didn't work.  I am not sure that I can afford it but I am investigating - at the very least mentally.  For those of you who have used a donor egg - did you feel any jealousy toward your husband over it being his genetic child and not yours?  Did you tell people that it was not your egg?  What did you or are you going to tell the child?  Just trying to learn and possibly prepare myself

Oh, did many of you have problems getting pregnant with donor eggs?

[kiaragirl]

Nope...would never tell!!

[ICE2015]

Hi CamilleP - would you mind sharing the clinic you used in Prague?

Thank you so much!

[141heartbreak]

Hi Josie
What a wonderful woman you are. I like you have faced too much heartache. I now need to face up to donor eggs after my own baby field to a cord accident. I know it's a while ago but if you get this reply please get in touch xx

[lj24lj24]

Hi Josie,

I live in Canada and we have to get our donor eggs elsewhere which makes it costly and we can't get financing because of being in a different country.  The other thing is, I'm blonde and blue-eyed and would prefer to choose a donor who looks somewhat like me.  Are your eggs still available?  After a few miscarriages with my own eggs I have finally decided to go through with ivf with donor eggs.

thanks,
Lisa

[Outstandingme]

Why worry about the DNA? When we all know there are many mothers who do not love or care for their own children. The only important thing is the babies soul, it is not about physical similarities or blood. I have my own child, now 4 years old and as I am now 42, having tried IVF 4 times unsuccessfully, I am going to use a donor egg.
Everything in life is about love, the love you have for your child so why would people think if its not your own egg it is not your child? That child is going to grow in my womb, share my blood, my cells and I am going to give that child life. So of course it will be my child as it is my choice.
Imagine (those of you who do already have a child) of a doctor told you tomorrow that there had been a mix-up years ago when your child was bor, it has only just come to light. Your child is not your biological child and the parents want him or her back and to give you the child they have been raising. Would any parent ever really want this? To give up their 2 year old or 5 year old, or their teenager because they have just found out the child was mixed up with your biological child at birth??
I can´t imagine any parent would suddenly want the biological child and not the child that they have raised!

[til283]

Hi there. I know your post is quite old but I'm hoping that you - or someone else in a similar position - might see this! I am having so much trouble deciding on donor eggs. I will be 44 next month and we have just failed or third ICSI attempt (though I ovulated before collection the first time so technically the second time I suppose). We are very much being recommended donor eggs if we want success. But the baby won't be MINE - I feel like I'd almost be 'lying' to people if I didn't tell people?!? (close friends etc know we have been trying IVF) I lost my father last year and hate the fact it won't have his DNA, my DNA etc etc.... I'm not a hugely maternal person - I don't coo over other peoples babies really... I just want MINE!!! Can I ever reconcile this in my mind? I've read many people saying you carry it, your body feeds it, you give birth to it.... and it does feel like yours.... but I worry in case it doesn't. Am I worrying unneccesarily? I'm in such a pickle - my boyfriend is pretty useless when it comes to emotional stuff so I'm really, really struggling with this.... Can ANYONE help me? Plus, I'm already much older than I wanted to be as a mother... I just wish that right man had come along a few years earlier...!!!

[Bobbyrocket]

Hi folks,
Am I the only man here? I'm desperate. I'm 46 and my future wife is 49. We were together 24 years ago and I lost her. She was, and is, the only love of my life. She has 2 children from a previous marriage (9 and 11 years of age). I have no children. We got back together 3.5 years ago. He have tried naturally (including medical help) to conceive for about 3 years. We then decided to peruse donor egg IVF (private and also NHS). We went on 2 waiting  lists to help speed things up. My fiancé had 2 ops to help, we had all the counselling and I have a friend who is a trained psychologist who has children through donor egg IVF. She offered great advise and support. A donor match was found and then at the last minute my fiance changed her mind stating that her age was the issue. If we got pregnant naturally she would be ok with it ( she says). I am broken hearted. My life has no purpose as I have to watch her bring up the children she had with her ex (he is still on the scene to help). My only wish is to have a family with her to add to the children she already has. I get on with her children fantastically and treat them as my own, however, they have a dad (not me). It appears all hope is lost. How can I convince her that it will be fine and that to be older parents is just the same as being younger, the love is the same. Please help, I just want to be a daddy and feel that "connection". How can I convince her that it will be ok?

[Bobbyrocket]

Hi folks,
Am I the only man here? I'm desperate. I'm 46 and my future wife is 49. We were together 24 years ago and I lost her. She was, and is, the only love of my life. She has 2 children from a previous marriage (9 and 11 years of age). I have no children. We got back together 3.5 years ago. He have tried naturally (including medical help) to conceive for about 3 years. We then decided to peruse donor egg IVF (private and also NHS). We went on 2 waiting  lists to help speed things up. My fiancé had 2 ops to help, we had all the counselling and I have a friend who is a trained psychologist who has children through donor egg IVF. She offered great advise and support. A donor match was found and then at the last minute my fiance changed her mind stating that her age was the issue. If we got pregnant naturally she would be ok with it ( she says). I am broken hearted. My life has no purpose as I have to watch her bring up the children she had with her ex (he is still on the scene to help). My only wish is to have a family with her to add to the children she already has. I get on with her children fantastically and treat them as my own, however, they have a dad (not me). It appears all hope is lost. How can I convince her that it will be fine and that to be older parents is just the same as being younger, the love is the same. Please help, I just want to be a daddy and feel that "connection". How can I convince her that it will be ok?

[Praysmh]

I understand exactly how you feel, I'm 40 and my husband and I have done IVF 3x's with no baby. I'm told if money isn't an issue we can keep trying because each time we get more eggs, but we've already spent about 25,000. So donor egg is probably our only hope for a child. I've read a lot of articles to help us make our decision. I'm also seeing a counselor at church to grieve our loss, that is important in order to move on to the next phase in this journey. We still don't have a decision. I wanted to write this so you know your not alone in your thoughts. It's the hardest decision! Give yourself time and good results will come. I wish you all the best.

[andreabuzz]

Hi iv just done my 1st ivf and told on monday it didnt work ;(
Shock devastation isnt the word,  im 41 my partner 43 so iv decided to go for egg doner my last hope,  the dna will be my partners but my worry was the blood and that will be mine & the supplies from carring
So im kinda excited going to find today and hopin to start like now lol
Good luck in what u decied
If i carry thebaby regardless its mine i will love it and enjoy every moment xxxx

[andreabuzz]

Hi iv just done my 1st ivf and told on monday it didnt work ;(
Shock devastation isnt the word,  im 41 my partner 43 so iv decided to go for egg doner my last hope,  the dna will be my partners but my worry was the blood and that will be mine & the supplies from carring
So im kinda excited going to find today and hopin to start like now lol
Good luck in what u decied
If i carry thebaby regardless its mine i will love it and enjoy every moment xxxx

[animojo]

I'm 47, never had a child, and now due to age my eggs are of poor quality. Doctor suggests donor egg for pregnancy. I'm reading all these threads and still have mixed feelings.....can anyone help me to feel better about making this decision? Adoption isn't a bad choice, but the child wouldn't have hubby's DNA........Guess I'm trippin a little because it won't have any of my features, people would notice.....grieving with major regrets. having a very difficult time with all this. will I ever feel that it's MY child and not someone else's ?

[RK2014]

Hi all, I had my daughter at 41 naturally, tried for another baby at 43 but was told I was menopausal. I was devastated and looked into other possibilities. I looked into egg donor in December 2011 but convinced myself that we were fine with my daughter. Now, 3 yrs later I have huge regrets! I am now 47 and reconsidering egg donor. Are there any other 47/48 yr olds who have a story to share.

[kaity07]

I think that it doesn't matter who's eggs you have, but when the baby starts growing inside of you then you will feel that the baby is yours. I think that all men are jealous of women because women are the ones carrying the babies in them..... I say GO FOR IT

[nattash]

I`m so sorry to hear that... I would love to use your eggs, thank you so much for what you`re doing, what a gift, the gift of life!

[skyler411]

Hi, I've always said I would be open to adoption even though I'm about to have my fourth child. .I think it's natural for parents to say yes she he has my eyes or and she's just like me..I feel in a way itsa flaw in parenting..when u adopt or use a doner egg..you don't compare the child to  u or other pplein ur family allowing them to be there own person and individual! Most of who you become is enviromental and the baby will be raised by you so odviously  he she Will share your values ..I think it's wonderful and wish you all the luck in the world ..xxx

[JosieK]

I just turned 39 and am in the complete opposite situation. I donated oocytes in the past (tons of them) and produced many blonde/eyed babies. Now I am faced with having adenomyosis. My eggs are perfect, but my uterus needs to be removed. I am choosing to adopt internationally rather than surrogacy because I am single. I am freezing my eggs in case they may be used for future reasearch or for donors in my clinic. Any one needing my eggs I would love for you to have them! Josie

[buggie216]

This is a very interesting post...i have never experienced this but i have two adopted people in my close family. I feel strongly about telling your children only for the fact of medical reasons...while i agree they are your children genetics play a big part in people when it comes to disorders and other things...and while your child may not be effected my something they could carry the gene and pass it onto their children...both people in my family were adopted as infants...one is about to turn 9 and the other is 22...they both know...they have known all along...its nothing to be ashamed of and keep a secret...much like the donor thing. Its actually quite amazing and a positive thing...honesty is always the best policy :)

[Disp911so]

I'm also in Upstate NY (like Canadian border upstate) I am going to try one more cycle to see about using my own eggs for IVF, but if it doesn't look good, we have a possible donor in mind. I was just wondering what clinic you went to. We looked at Fertility clinics here in the US and did use one for 3 unsuccessful IUI's, but all the US clinics are very expensive. We have changed to the Montreal Fertility Clinic and found it to be much cheaper. On our last visit, the RE suggested the possibility of using donor eggs as an option. If you're as far up north as I am, maybe we could meet. It would be nice to have someone close by to go through this with.

[Jennie1211]

I absolutely, totally agree...it would be something we would not consider doing until at least a year or so after I give birth (fingers crossed!) You are very right though....I'm trying to be cautiously optimistic, but I know the reality for ladies my age, depressing as it is! Good advice...

[Kricket212]

I would advise you to keep those embryos until you give birth.  I know you mentioned they are HIGH Quality, but many women our age have been told the same thing only to have it not work out.  I pray it does for you.  Keep us posted on your pregnancy.

[Jennie1211]

This has been a really interesting thread. I'm sort of on the other side of the coin in that I did IVF, have become pregnant, and, if successful, this will be our last attempt, due both to age and finances. Our situation is such that I have 11 very high grade embryos left which I really don't want destroyed, though due to our ages, I doubt any clinic would want them other than for medical science. We'd prefer that someone else have them, and I even have an acquaintance in mind who lives across the country who I know would desperately want them. The question we have been asking ourselves is, if we ended up donating and that person ends up pregnant, do we ever tell our own child that there is someone else in the world with their genetics? We've got a long way to go before we have to make this kind of decision, but it's one my husband and I go back and forth on.

[tamtam305]

Hi Lady's
I think a donor egg or not you guys are great and if you decide to tell the child he/she wont worry i dont think, my view is you have given them life and even though u have use a donor egg they r still all gifts from the big man himself. its a wonderful thing and its a credit to u all. I was going to be a donor but just didnt know how it works.
best of luck Tamtam

[Allip77]

Thanks for the update!  It's so amazing to see how far you have come after a year and a half. You will have your baby(ies) soon!  I'm so sorry about the loss of your mother.
I just wanted to say that you may be surprised at how your family would react to a donor egg. I come from an incredibly traditional family in the South and absolutely was worried about how they would feel about a donor. I ended up being completely wrong!  They know how much we wanted a second child and are sonexcited that I'm pregnant. I have only told my immediate family because I'm going to wait until I get the CVS results before telling the rest of my family and friends. We have decided to tell our families and the child but not our friends. If our child one day tells our friends, we think by that point it won't matter. We don't want them gossiping now but once the child is here, it just doesn't seem like we will be concerned about that. We certainly aren't worried that our friends will wonder why we " deceived" them; if they asked we would tell them we felt it was ours and our child's personal business and we wanted to leave it up to the child to tell. I think they would definitely understand why we dissent tell them from the beginning.

Best of luck to you. Just try to relax as much as possible until your beta!  And think about how lucky you are to have a baby on the way!