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Baby Showers and Infertility

I have been struggling with infertility for 19 months and reluctantly went to another baby shower.  My friends had planned it based on my schedule and when I was in town for another event.  I was depressed from a recent death of a close family member and they knew that.  So I felt obligated and trapped into going since they knew I was in town.

Several pregnant ladies were there but I sucked it up and even said my flight was delayed so I could stay longer.  I was enjoying myself.  Then one of the the hostesses said I needed to leave to get to the airport and said they have to kick me out.  Five of them walked me out the door and suddenly everyone scrambled but two hosteses.  

One said I have something to tell you, I am pregnant.  I was crushed.  It wasn't her parade to rain on.  I said that is great with a fake smile. I said when are you due?  Then she reminded me it was 2 months after another mutual friend Kimberly was due.  I am on clomid and cry at everything but just when I was really down they gave me more news.

The other hostess announced that she is due 6 weeks after that too. I was the only one who wasn't pregnant at the shower.  Two of them choose to tell me at the same time that they were pregnant.  I have never been so hurt by friends, they were completely insensitive.  I don't understand why they had to tell me to my face, just to see my painful reaction?  I am debating if I should write them a letter, call them or just never speak to them again to see if they get it.  What do you think?  
8 Responses
Avatar universal
I think they were not doing it to hurt you, but it was insensitive.  You have to understand that if they haven't gone through it, they really don't get it, and that they were excited by their own news (just like you will be when you get to announce it).  That excitement clouds their thinking, so I don't think you should end the friendship over it.  I do think a note to tell them you are thinking of them, that you wish them every happiness, and then a comment, like I am so happy for you, but please forgive me for not always being able to enjoy your pregnancy with you. Please know that it isn't because I am not overjoyed at seeing you so happy, because I am.  Seeing your blessings is very hard for me as I have been struggling so much, though I may not show it.  And then leave it to them.  Only a truly insenstive person wouldn't respond thoughtfully.  
Avatar universal
I don't understand why you took it as a personal affront that your friends wanted to share their happiness with you, face to face. That's what friends do, they share their happiness.  When you become pregnant, aren't you going to expect people to be happy for you, and come to your baby shower?  If they are truly your friends, you should think about your reaction to what they told you-you were crushed at their happiness, you responded with a fake smile?  Sorry if this sounds harsh. I have gone through my own fertility struggle (2 IUIs, 3 IVFs, etc.), so I do understand, and it is difficult, but you honestly wouldn't wish infertility on someone.  
Avatar universal
I gotta say that I completely agree with alikat1205.  I bypassed by own SISTER-IN-LAWS shower this weekend because this has all been so hard on me....granted my own horrific loss was a stillbirth at 20 weeks due to a cord accident...so I'm always crushed when I hear that someone I know gets pregnant and the whole pregnancy is easy for them.  You try to be happy for your friends but you feel so jealous...like why them and not you?? Why cant YOU have a baby....I know too well exactly how you feel.
443102 tn?1222129546
As difficult of a situation as it is...you probably shouldn't write them a letter telling them how you feel.  For one, I don't think it was done to hurt you, as they said above, they were just excited to tell their friend their news!  I don't think friends would intentionally do that to hurt another friend, you wouldn't be friends with them if they were that type.  Surely they would have done something else in the past that would make you think they were not good people.  I just think with you being a little bit sensitive right now would make the letter a really bad idea...because let's face it...all that would do is make YOU feel better....and it may ruin friendships that you will need later....

I hope that doesn't sound harsh, because I have been in that position too....all of us have.  Seeing pregnant friends.....hell, my neice is 19 an pregnant and it was a big blow to our family...but you just have to smile and go on and be happy for them.  Work it out with yourself...talk to us, your DH about it or write about it in your journal...but don't jump all over them yet.

Good luck honey....

362249 tn?1441318618
its hard for me to say anything to relate to what your feeling w/out getting mad cus i completly understand what youre going through and that nobody ever knows what it feels like to want a baby so bad and not be able to have one your own. My DH doesnt even understand me he thinks i have gone mad and that im a basket case now!!! Every time i go a baby shower or bday party some1 or something makes me mad. Keep your head up and just remember that yeah they probably didnt do on purpose but theyre not in your shoes either.
230972 tn?1224473726
i totally understand you babyhope1. i bypassed one of my best friends baby showers as it hurt to much and i was having a bad 'why no baby for me' day. Little did i know i WAS actually (finally.... finally....) pregnant at the time of her shower! so you do never know whats just around the corner, no matter how hard the road there has been... but...
i do understand the thoughts you get though. the why not me? were married - theyre not - so why them? they werent even trying for a baby -theyve been together 3 months? he doesnt even want a baby with her, he cheats on her etc etc scenario's.
ive seen em all lol...
something else that bugged me before i was pregnant!
my sister in laws had developed this thing they called 'the race is on' (the race to see who can get pregnant first as we were all trying) GGRRRR TACKY, YES!
annoyed me though as i thought my husband and i have been together 7years and are happily married and very much in love... we want a baby to complete us not to 'fix' us.
my husbands sister got pregnant to her boyfriend (when they were seperated) after about only 6months of being together anyway. i love my niece dearly but they already have one child must it be a competition? they are now engaged but still rocky.
my husbands brothers girlfriend is trying to get pregnant (on her own - he wants no part of it and refuses to ever marry her) and she tells me i should wait to ttc and let them have something. hellooo he cheats on her continuosly and she continues to stay with him. im not waitin for that foundation lol... aint exactly a stable one.

anyway sorry for my irrelavant vent just couldnt resist.
i hope you feel better and that you get your bfp asap!
i will pray 4u! supa dupa sticky extra potent baby dust 2u all
lorri xx

Avatar universal
Hello hun! I know exactly what you're talking about. I'm lucky to have a supportive husband and I love him so much and I appreciate his help but... It seems to me he doesn't actually understand the whole situation I'm facing. For example baby showers. During the last eight years of our ttc obviously we had lots of them. All of my friends, relatives, colleagues - all of them have children. We were going at all baby showers during first two or three years. Then I've just got tired. This is emotionally exhausting. And for my husband this is just a meeting with friends. I can't say this is easy for him. Sometimes he can be really upset after such parties. But it's not the same as with me. For me baby shower it's a torture. Everyone is talking about children, about motherhood, about planning more children and so on. And what is left for me? I'm just standing there trying to hold back my tears. I'm listening but not hearing. The only thing which is in my head "I want to leave as soon as I can". The worst thing is when people start asking me about my kids and when I say I don't have any, the hardest thing begins. They start asking me WHY I don't have any kids and WHEN I will have one. Everything I want to do is run out of there and never come back to baby showers. My husband doesn't get it. He tells me "just put a smile on and be nice". As if it's easy to do. One of my friends recently announced her pregnancy with her third baby. I'm already thinking about upcoming baby shower. I have to go but I already know it will be a nightmare for me. Why this is so hard? I just want to have a child that's all.
Avatar universal
Hi, lovelies! I do share this pain. Baby showers for us IF ladies are brutal. My niece had me organize her baby shower 4 months ago. My heart was in the pit of my stomach.  The whole 2 months the shower was in the plans!! It was about the hardest and most guilt ridden thing I've ever had to do. And she noticed not for how hard it was on me, but how I lacked enthusiasm!! Non-IF folks just don't understand. So, for that reason my vote is for the self preservation aproach.
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