1169053 tn?1278116232

New baby in the family and it's not mine

So my brother-in-law just called to say that his 19 year old daughter is SIX months pregnant. And she is claiming that she had no idea until now. And I am sorry, but I do not believe that for a moment. I know people go on tv and swear that they didn't know they were pregnant until they went to the ER and found out they were in labor but I don't buy it. Anyway, I can't help but be jealous that this new baby is going to enter the family when hubby and I have been trying for years! Our neice is no where near ready to be a mom and is making up stories about how she became pregant and not knowing she was for 6 whole months??? I know that she is just intimidated by her parents and was scared to tell them. She most likely let the cat out of the bag because at 6 months you cant really hide it anymore! I am sad and angry and yes jealous that she is pregnant and it hurts that I am not. I know that sounds petty but I can't help it. It is hard enough to work around pregnant women and have friends that become pregnant, but our teenage niece who has no boyfriend, no education, and no job... SHE is going to have a baby??? And I am going to have to see this baby. And it will be a reminder of my infertility struggles. I know this makes me sound like a horrible person, but at the moment I don't know that I care.
16 Responses
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1297184 tn?1289787161
I have to say I know exactly how you feel and I think just about all of us have been there.  I completely sympathize with the going to work day in and day our with a new pregnancy popping up out of the woodwork. Or someone in your family one day just announces that they're going to have a baby when they weren't even trying. You want to be happy for people but that green eyed monster shows up. I honestly have to say that the last time one of my co-workers came to work and announced a pregnancy after only trying for a month I went to the bathroom and cried. (maybe it was all the hormones from the meds. I've been enlessly injecting myself with that's my story) LOL. Keep the faith you'll get your BFP!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Its unfair for that poor baby and the family of this teenager who is starting life and as you say  no boyfriend, no job ...

People should have babies went they are ready..not just because "it was a mistake" or because I am married......

and if when ready we can not get pregnant and then we can do other things to help the world and our community.

I am almost 42, professional with my own business, married for 6 years and 2 failed IVF's . I did wait until getting married , I was engaged for 3 year  and b&G for 2 year. yes, we have been togehter for 11 years and finally we are financial stable and ready BUT...i can not have a baby now for some reason ( not medical..they dont find anything wrong..except my age) and I am ok. we all know there is a good posibility of not being able to get pregnant at my age.

My doctor ask me to get a egg donor..and i said: no thanks! (its my choice, i do understand when someone goes for it)

if i have the chance to be young again? ...I will do the same ..i will take my chances when ready to have a family  (I wouldnt  get pregnat when younger, no job, no boyfriend, no life)

I think your time will come, enjoy your husband and your family....ahh and by the way i find out today my best friend who is 42y/o  who has 2 teenager 17 and 18 is pregnant again after 18 years!..it was a surprise fo her!  .she call me yesterday with the news!...and I am happy for her  and I asked her  righ away if she had the gift list...lol

Helpful - 0
1169053 tn?1278116232
I love you ladies. It is no nice to come here and be able to express my feelings without judgement. You have all shared such intimate details with me, and I am greatful and hope that we all see an end to these fertiity struggles soon.

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Avatar universal
I know where your coming from the kinda angry jealous mode I just miscarried there on the 21 which should have been our date for the three month scan but instead I had s d& c on that day then my brother annonced that not only is his wife three months gone they two had their three month scan on the 21 and wait for it the baby will be born on the same day my angel was due! I was delighted for them but I just can't help feeling sadness for my situation . I Just feel it's another slap in the face but really it's not it's just life ! I said a prayer to my angel to look after my brothers baby and now even though it's hard to see others looking forward to their baby I will stay positive cause one day that will be you and me every dog has his day so ours is to come ! Hang in there and stay positive and hopefully next time will be our time xxxx
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901991 tn?1281609625
well they do say that you are at your most fertile after having a baby or being pregnant so if you only had a m/c in feb... then maybe you will be pregnant again before she has her baby....

my thoughts are with you xxxxx
Helpful - 0
1259649 tn?1336414032
Trust me you are not a horrible person. Ever since I found out about my fertility problems, I swear women 35+ all around me are having babies left and right (with little or no problems).  I have a cousin & several old classmates who just recently had children. Unfortunetly, our bodies are ready when many times we are not. It is sad that even though your neice can physically have a baby, mentally we all know she is not ready.

I pray that it happens for you and me both soon....good luck!
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Avatar universal
I could but I've been seeing her for years and am pretty attached at this point. Although if I don't get pregnant soon, I don't know how I'll handle it.  She's being really understanding b/c she had multiple miscarriages before her first two kids were born...  
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901991 tn?1281609625
aww huni... can't you get a new therapist? that must be so painful for you... xxxxxx
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Avatar universal
10_07 I am so sorry.  Something similar happened to me (a young family member got pregnant without even a boyfriend in the picture) and it *****.
I had a miscarriage this past Feb. and found out right before I miscarried that my 43 year old therapist is pregnant w/ her third child--naturally, no fertility treatments.  She thought it was so great that we were pregnant together and then I miscarried. I have to have phone sessions b/c seeing her get bigger hurts too much. Why her and not me? It doesn't seem fair, you know?
It's ok to feel jealous and angry.  We're just human, trying to do the best we can...
Helpful - 0
901991 tn?1281609625
It is unfair... and its always when you cant concieve that you want it that much more whilst others dont think about it untill it happens....

if you type into google 'i got pregnant after years of trying' the first link that comes up is an Ebook by a woman called Carole, you can read her story too... i am tempted to buy it....
I wish I could tell myself that Ive left it too late but Ive never got pregnant even when I was young so I dunno whats wrong with me... Ive had tests, nothing shows up... my boyfriends been tested.... hes fine too.... it just doesnt happen...

I try to just believe in fate now otherwise I'll go insane...  imagine this:

everything happens for a reason... maybe we dont have fertility problems... perhaps were just not meant to have them yet...
our kids may be destined for wonderful things so need to be born at the right time for them to grow up and do whatever they are meant to do...
so perhpas they will come along in the next few years cos thats when theyre meant to?

I dunno... reading your post made me feel a bit better to know im not the only one to think like that so I hope Ive helped you a little too...

Helpful - 0
1169053 tn?1278116232
I wish I had words that could take away all the pain you have experienced, as well as the pain that continues. I don't know that I will ever understand why so many women conceive without a care and so many others struggle with fertility. I just can't wrap my mind around it.

It means a great deal to me that you took your time to share such personal things. I am so sorry for all that you have been through, losing your love to such a horrible disease, watching the bellies of those around you grow with life inside them. You deserve that too. I truly hope that your current love's eyes are opened and your dream of marriage and family becomes a reality.

Helpful - 0
901991 tn?1281609625
my little sister was the first one in our family to have a baby too... she was only 18 and i was 25... i felt it shouldve been me, id been trying for years.... she got pregnant twice, the first time i had to take her for an abortion cos my mum had to work that day and shes too shy to go alone... her boyfriend had dumped her... imagine my pain that day! i went through all that, just for her to get pregnant again 2 months later and then kept it.... i know its terrible but i was almost glad shed had an abortion the first time cos at least i wouldnt have to witness the whole baby thing... but was heartbroken that she get pregnant only to not want it when i so desperatly did.... it was heartbreaking when she had the next baby though.... it should have been me...

my brothers girlfriend is due in june and she already has a 1 year old, she treats my brother like dirt, he wasnt even happy about it cos now hes trapped with her... but yet she gets babies and not me... i dont want june to come.... and my cousin is expecting her TWINS :-( in 7 months.... no boyfriend, living at home with her mum at 20 and she gets twins???????

not alone babe... youre so not alone.... xxxxxxx
Helpful - 0
901991 tn?1281609625
you are not a bad person atall... you are not alone...

I can't concieve either...  there were many many times throughout my teenage years when I was often careless with protection yet i never fell pregnant... not once... I figured I was 'lucky' pft yeah right, I know differently now but didnt then...
I know its silly but my first serious relationship was with a guy who had 2 kids already and they were only little... it made me want my own baby with him so much, i guess it was the situation cos i was quite young... but it never happened... again, i figured it was a good thing as we ended up splitting up and that was that.... then i got with someone else a month or so after and we were together for 2 years... i didnt actively want a baby then, but we were often careless and he never got me pregnant....
then i met the love of my life... god i loved him... he had 2 children also but his ex wasnt too pleasent and never let him see them... so we desperatly wanted children.... we wanted to get married and everything.... we tried and tried and tried.... for 3 years... nothing.... and then he became very ill with cancer and unfortunatley, he died... and i wasnt left with any of his children... heartbreaking is not a good enough word... why could his ex have his kids and not me?
i am with someone new now and weve been together now for 2 and a half years.... we dont use protection... i wouldnt dare go near contraceptives now... and still no babies...

in total ive been having unprotected sex for well, 10 years... my friends used to joke that id be the first to have kids as i was the most 'maternal'...  ive had to watch ALL of my friends have all their many children... most of my cousins, my younger cousins even! my brother and his girlfriend, who dont even get on and have been together for 1 year! and they have another on the way... all my facebook friends post their daily pregnancy updates... one of my cousins is having twins and doesnt even have a boyfriend! my little sister even beat me to it...

trouble is... my partner i am with now I love so dearly.... we have the most wonderful relationship... but where for me this is my 4th serious relationship and have even lost a partner to cancer, life is short! I wanna just get on with it and not waste time... but i am his first serious relationship so he is all loved up and happy as things are...
I am 27 and have serious fertility issues... i just wanna get married, cos deep down i wanna be married before having kids, so we can proper try you know, with all the vitamins and stuff... but he doesnt see the urgency... I wish he'd just propose... and want kids too so we can really try to concieve...

my pain is overwhelming.... so dont feel bad... all I ever think everyday is 'why them? why not me?'
the only person who feels my pain is my mum, bless her, when someone gets pregnant she tells me softly cos she knows that to hear that someone else is pregnant is just so painful.
I just well up, blink back the tears and whisper 'aww thats lovely' and she knows i want to mean it really.... but I dont... it just hurts.
I am beginning to think I'll never have children... and I never stop envying those who can...

hope that helps you feel less alone babe xxxxxxxx
Helpful - 0
1169053 tn?1278116232
I would like to thank both of you for sharing your stories with me. It somehow makes it better to know there are others who understand what I am feeling. I am not ready to be happy about our niece having a baby and don't know if I ever will be. I am just really hoping that in 9 days I will finally get my bfp.

Lily, I feel exactly the way you do... if I am not expecting by the time that baby is born I honestly do not know how I will respond. Dreamgirl- I would like to think that I could be as strong as you and accept that little baby into the world, but I just don't know how I can do that. I imagine how everyone is going to fuss over this baby as this is the first baby in the family in a long time and I can't help but think... that was supposed to be my child.
Helpful - 0
334926 tn?1436811523
I know exactly how you feel! I found out a month after I miscarried that my 17yr old Nephew got his 16yr old girlfriend pregnant...wth!!! I went through all these emotions for a good 2wks...I didnt let him know how it affected me as I love him like he is my own, and told him I would support him no matter what..and I have been , it is hard to see the updates on her U/S pics and tomorrow they find out the sex of the baby..and in my religion that baby is going to be my grandbaby..so Im gonna be a grandma before Im a mom..ugh how sad is that!

My hubby and I have been trying for over 4 years and just went through 3 losses last year...it is extremely hard and I think about how unfair it is that we are so ready to have a baby , finacially , emotionally ect..and would do whatever to have a baby...
and how can 2 young people who are just starting their lives be burdened with this, while they have everyone behind them supporting them it will still be difficult their lives have just begun and to have this happen..
I dont get it..its just not fair...

If I am not preggo with a healthy pregnancy by the time that baby comes in Sept. I dont know how I will handle it..
I know its hard and I wish I could make it happen for all of us who are trying, all I can say is try to stay positive and lean on the people who are close to you, to vent to and talk about your feelings , it helps to have people to confide in..
Take Care,
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I am so sorry to hear this.  You are NOT a horrible person.  I had a failed IVF last May shortly after learning that my unmarried brother was going to be a dad.  It was a terrible situation because my husband and I wanted a baby so badly and the last thing my brother and his girlfriend needed was a baby.

But I can tell you, that once that little baby arrives, you will love it so very much.  That doesn't mean the pain doesn't leave your heart or the ache of wanting a child so bad - but it is still wonderful to enjoy their baby.  I hope that your your niece faces the fact that she is going to be a mom and grows up quickly.  My nephew is now 6 months old and I am incredibly proud of the father my brother has become.

I only tell you this to say you have every right to be angry, and cry and scream and be bitter.  There is nothing wrong with those emotions and it is unfair that stable, good people who want to have a baby have trouble.  But I promise you - as soon as you lay eyes on that new baby you will still love it and it won't be as hard as you think.

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