help my life..is it ruined?

[boy_of_misery]

Need doctor here please..

Sorry wall of text.
Sorry sorry sorry
sorry for bad english too.im desperate atm..

Now im 19 y/o, 5'9 tall, 65-70 kg of weight.

Listen to my story please..

Lets say, when i was 15, i often ate only 1 or 2 meals a
day. Sometimes didnt eat/drink anything at all (like 5
out of 30 days in a month).
It resulted in weight lost from 65 kg to 45 kg (in 3-4 months only).

This went off to about 6 months. I often did near-death starvations. Everyday I played video games and often didnt eat and sleep for day(s). (15 to 15.5 y/o,
weight 45 kg).

Then, normal life about 6 months (15.5 to 16 y/o, weight 55 kg).

Then a little bad again for 6 mnths (16 to 16.5 y/o, weight 50 kg).

Then good 6 months with plenty of exercises (16 to 17 y/o,
weight 70 kg).

Last one bad year (17 to 18 y/o, weight 60 kg): this is the second worse after the first 6 months at 15 i think, everyday just sitting playing super adrenaline-pumping
video games, barely got sunlight
and did exercises, but i didnt really starved myself like
the first 6 months at 15. i ate like 2-3 meals a day,
occasionally one meal/ate nothing a day.

Now at 19 (weighed 65-70 kg), im trying to have a fully normal life.

During these bad months, i barely drink any milk, which doctors said, if u used to drink it then stopped
drinking it for a while, it could cause osteoporosis/major bone loss cuz of the blood something thing. I barely ate any veggies nor did any exercises as well when i was not into my life.

During that bad times, after school, I often sat from
half a day sometimes to a full day, occasionally (once in a month) up to 3 days playing games, without rest.

Then, if 2/3 days of
playing, i rest for 2-3 days fully with normal eating.

Often i skipped school to play games the whole day/
days. I got dropped out when i was 16, so i played the
games more often like everday/every 2-3 days (dont
mention the school thing, ive got it covered XD)

I had fainted like 3-5 times when walking cuz of not
eating and sleeping for days playing games.

QUESTION:

now that im 19, even though i have regained my weight to
65-70 kg (5'9), i am experiencing:

-low sex drive
-shrinking penis (eaten cuz of the starvation?and or low testosterone for years so weak/no erection that shrink blood vessel?is it PERMANENT?)
-bad erection quality
-having a hard time for my d*ck to recognize sexual
innuendos (im afraid my sexual nerves was eaten due
to starvation)
-no auto *****,lack morning *****,had to stroke it with
my hand to get a *****
-feel frigid around girls God i want to be hard around girls like i used to!!
-when i masturbate and ejaculate, i feel weak for the whole day, till the next couple of days. As if my
testosterone regeneration is lowered (shrunk testicle?).if
i masturbate constantly for a week, i feel weak and thin
as ****. I used to masturbate once even twice/thrice daily before 15, and i could still rock the day!
-weak heart and lungs (cant stand 5 minutes of playing soccer, used to stand up to hours without
exhaustion,one of the athlete with best stamina in school)
-changed face structure, i used to be a happy and funny cute face person (girls was like crazy on me), now gloomy and old, not
expressive. Some people even said
my eyes r tinier now and not as expressive as it used to. I looked like a robot.
-thin bone, small forehand and fingers, often thinner than common healthy girls, it used to be thicker, like a man! The diameter of my thumb is only about 1.5 cm now. Im afraid i heard bone loss from anorexia is permanent. Is it true?in my case is it severe enough to be considered permanent?
-really my body frame is really small right now, like justin bieber's (it used to be mediumish, at 14-15 of age when most of my friends were already peaked their
puberty/hence no major growth/no way they
outgrew me). It is a shame cuz its like even the smallest man like 5'5 guy would have a wider rib cage
and pelvic bone, thicker wrist and fingers, also longer and stronger arms than most girls. My dad's n mom's rib cages r still a lot wider! I used to be 'wider'!
-im afraid ive messed up my hormones n growth permanently, that i'll never be a full grown man
-did it stunt my height growth 4ever also? Like the 'organ' or 'nerve' whatsoever thing for growth was eaten due to starvation?
-i entered puberty and started masturbating daily since
i was 13, peaked growth at 14/15.

ARE THEY PERMANENT?!?!?!?!

I did that cuz of my dad and step mom neglected me emotionally. They were also lonely psychos. Its like i was living with someone else, PLUS with psychotic
features.

NOW I REGRET WITH what ive done. I also hate my
parents to let me suffer like that.
But now i want my life back!!

NEED A DOCTOR HEREE please.
I cant afford meeting a doctor irl. The family cash is
kinda low atm..really low..

Please give me ur yahoo msennger or sumthin i want
to chat with u doctor..god bless

[boy_of_misery]

ofc..They SHRANK :(

[ticked]

You need to go see someone about your anxiety. Your body is fine but mentally you are obsessing over the fact that it isnt. Please see someone for the anxiety that is where your issue is

[boy_of_misery]

I've read TONS about anorexia and it's effects. I'm just wondering if my anorexia was severe enough to do permanent damages. Lots of parts of my body have definitely shrunk..

[boy_of_misery]

Need more help, anyone??

[boy_of_misery]

Well, let's hope so! Thanks :)

[ticked]

You are fine. You have a lot of anxiety over it and trust me you are young and you will recoup.  Just stay healthy from now on. I dont think there is permanent damage. I am a recovering Bulimic of 15yrs and I am good. So no worries.

[boy_of_misery]

im not sure..ive read much about anorexia.they could shrink ur body,every of ur organ,they could shrink ur life,also ur life span..

Its just i I wanna know, was my case severe enough to do those permanent damages..

[ticked]

Okay well your health should be just fine as long as you continue to eat healthy and regularly

[boy_of_misery]

Believe me im not depressed atm.. That time of depression was a long time ago when i was in the chaos.. Now, I'm just bored so I post this topic. Im also a bit interested about the impacts to my physical health. It's just like 'whatever' not 'whathefck'. Haha. I just open this web in the morning and at the night for 5 minutes each, it's not like im thinking about this 24/7..

Thanks for ur concern anyway :)

[ticked]

You dont need your parents to go see someone and I will be quite honest you do sound depressed and you have anxiety so I would really see someone soon before it blows out of control. Dont take this as a shot either, there is nothing wrong with you having depression or anxiety its a part of life and there are people that can help.

If you are eating fine now then you have nothing to worry about.

Do you have to pay to go to a regular doctor?  Sorry I live in Canada and we dont I am not sure how it is in the US.  

Stop looking at your past and move on, stop looking for problems that arent there and seek help for the problems that are there.  There is nothing wrong with you. Everybody comes in all shapes and sizes and that is how it is.

I am seriously telling you this because I care not because I am talking down to you.  You are going to dig and dig yourself into a deeper depression and have more anxiety if you dont stop and seek help.

[boy_of_misery]

No. I didnt eat cuz I used the money my parents gave me to eat to play video games at the game center. I lived in a flat near school at 15-16 of age, not with my parents. Do u get the picture?

That's that.. I'm not mentally anorexic.

Lets talk about the first 6 months at 15 to 15.5 y/o. I remember if i didnt eat for the whole day(s), i catched it up by eating more the next time i got the chance, not really 'more' actually cuz still i dropped to the lowest weight as low as 100 lbs (45 kg) from from 150 lbs (65 kg), being a 5'8 at (172 cm) that time. I remember being a walking skeleton that time, even i fainted like 3-5 times when walking, which had never happened before 15 as i was a great soccer athlete at junior high school.

I remember even i was very weak that time, i forced myself to masturbate and ejaculate everyday. I remember my masturbating session altered from a slow-long-vigorous-high quality masturbation to a short-quick-in a half minute-just to achieve the ejaculation-without achieving quality boner masturbation, i know its dangerous to jerk off like that as it couldnt raise T levels, could cause premature ejaculation, could affect penis size as it used to the not 100% boner-when masturbating boner. I remember i had a few times of dry ejaculation that time (super low testosterone?). My erections were also weak, i could just achieve a 60% of erection. I remember i got no sex drive and no random erection that time, and it still continues till now.. Its sad cuz at age 15 to 19 (now) i should be in my prime of sex life having 10++ boners a day with 100% quality erections each. Recently, i asked my 2 lil bros who r 1 and 4 years younger than me, and my sex drive was way LOW compared to them. They r just 15 and 18, they r slowly catching up/surpassing me in term of body frame size, wrist size, fingers and thumb size, flaccid penis size (mine used to be as big as them or bigger, yeah bigger i believe). Where is the old me?

I remember one of my best friend joked about me saying 'wtf ur rib cage is as wide as a span of a hand, and ur wrist? Wtf i could put my fingers around it and it meets each other'. The other best friend also joked like 'wtf ur body? Its like sht. Ur heads big but ur body and bone is fckin small and thin now. U r fcked up'. No way my head was having a growth spurt. Its the same.

Ok its not that im depressed now or anything. That moment was a longggg time ago when i lived with my dad and step-mom (15-18 y/o). Now that im living with my real biological mom, i am happier than before. Its just i dont have anything to do atm and dont have any self esteem. When i see the mirror, its like the last time i recognized myself was when i was 15, and these years between 15-18 were full of chaos (dad and step-mom) and drugs (video games).

[ticked]

I think you need to see a doctor even if its just to talk.  You are still young and fine.  I would just start eating properly and it will work itself out. You seem a little depressed maybe you should talk to the doctor about that?  Do you feel you dont eat because you will get fat or because you forget or just dont feel hungry?  If you eat properly you will be fine

[boy_of_misery]

Its been a while since i left the eating disorder and video/pc games marathon habit. Maybe about 6 months.

I cant seek professional help cuz what they say (mom,step-mom,dad,church people,etc) is that im healthy now (70 kg) and theres nothing to worry about.

Its **** cuz its like im the one who knows my body perfectly but they act like they observe my body 24/7. They really dont give a **** cuz of this 70 kg thing which actually cant be an indicator of sum1's health.

Even when i told my mom theres a point when i reached 45 kg in term of weight that it could do permanent damages to body, she just said 'now u r healthy so stfu.we should be concerned about ur lil bros (yeah they r small and thin, but they eat well and never do damaging things like me that i believe teens who r eating less would only grow slower and the body will compensate, WHILE in my case, I SHRANK, ITS NOT GROWING SLOWER, IT SHRANK like a 70 y/o guy, could u regain what u've shrank huh MOM?).

When i tried to explain the logic to my mom, shes just mad and being close-minded. She didnt even want to hear my first 5 words. She thought that im a ***** and crying at things that dont really matters as im healthy now. F*ck as a 19 male with no sex drive and shrinking penis and body, IT DOESNT MATTER EH?
When i said to her i wanted to go meet a doc as soon as ur project succeded (cash), then she asked why, i said its something i couldnt tell u, then she made a joke in front of the family members 'couldnt tell me?what?ur penis shrank'. Then i just said 'is it funny?' Fck it, its not something to joke about yet she did that. She even joked once in front of them that my penis is small compared to my lil bros. Yes, it shrank mam, It used to be bigger, and now what, no big deal? Im having a hard time telling this to my parents. Im embarassed look at my childish mom joking about that.

Im 19 and when i see friends my age, i feel like a defect. My body doesnt develop properly. At 19, my body shouldve been as big as my dad's. Its not that i havent gone through puberty, i had, and peaked at 14/15.

It shrank..

[dimsum0712]

Young man, you need professional help quickly.  I don't know where you live but if in the USA there is medical help for people who can not afford it.  Seek help in your community, church, school, friends, etc.  I'm not a professional but there is help out there.  Get out of your house and off the computer and actively seek help.  Your answers will not magically appear on your screen.    

concerned friend.