Friend lost baby at 36 weeks, how do I support her?

[lilelle]

Hello,
My friend was at 36 weeks and due to have a C section for medical reasons in 3 weeks time.
A few days ago she could not feel the baby kick and on scan the next day found that the heartbeat was not present. The following day she had to deliver the baby.
What can one possibly do and say at a time like this?
Thank you,
Lilelle.

[Judy246]

I just notice that this thread is 2 yrs. old. Maybe it will help someone who has loved and loss a newborn. They are always in our thoughts and prayers :)

[Judy246]

My deepest condolences to your friend on the loss of her baby and she is so fortunate to have you as a caring friend. I think you got excellent advice on this forum and all you can do is be there for her, listen to her if she wishes to confide on how she is feeling and let her know you are there for her. Also, MH has a forum called "Angel Babys" that I recommend that she visit and share her feeling with other mother's who have loss a beloved baby.

My thoughts and prayers are with you, your friend and her family.

[mccindy]

Thank you so much for your words! My best friend just lost her baby and I was looking to see how to comfort her. I will surely listen. I wanted to buy her a Dogwood tree (they're in bloom now) to remind her of her baby. Do you think this is a good idea or a sad reminder of the pain?

Thanks for any suggestions!

[suzi-q]

Dear Cath,

I am so very sorry for the pain that you are going through...there are no words that can be said to help the hurt subside.  I will say a prayer for you...for your strength and comfort.  God bless you and your daughter in heaven.

Suzi

[luvkayln]

I'm sitting here crying reading all your posts. I too lost my daughter when i was 36 weeks pregnant due to a cord accident. I delivered her on Dec. 17, 2007. It's the hardest thing i've ever been through in my life. I have the biggest empty feeling without her here. The day before i had her, i hadn't felt her move all day. But just the night before, she had the hiccups and was moving all around. So when i didn't feel her move, i really didn't think anything of it. Usually she wakes me up, but she didn't. Usually when i'm busy moving around, and then i sit down she moves like crazy, but she didn't. I feel i waited too long, but i know now there's nothing i could've done. That's hard, because i would do anything for her. I called the ER at 5 pm and the doctor told me to drink soda to get the baby moving. I couldn't drink it all, b/c soda makes me sick to my stomach. So i waited until 9 pm to go to the ER and they couldn't find her heartbeat. I was so devastated, words cannot explain the loss of your child! I delivered her the next day at 4:35 and she was the most beautiful baby i'd ever seen! I actually felt very happy. My baby was finally here, and i could hold her and kiss her! Finally getting to see her, what i'd been waiting for for 8 months! We got to keep her for 8 hours then they took her away. That was the hardest part, letting her go. I can't begin to explain the hurt, the emptiness. All these ladies are right, just listen listen listen. That's the best feeling to me is when i can just sit down and talk about my baby. There's nothing you really can say, they say time eases pain. I will say that time has not eased my pain, i've just grown to adapt to my life without her here. I know one day i will see her again, God's just taking care of her for now until i can take over. Just tell her to look to God for strength. I blamed him very badly when i lost her. So many unanswered questions, why my baby?! We were so close, why did this happen to her?! God took my anger towards him, it was ok for me to blame Him. Now i see that i need Him more then ever! He's my rock, He's my strength, He gets me through the really hard days. I've found a lot of stillborn websites, ladies that have also lost their baby. It helps to know that you are not alone, and you can share their grief as well for their child. I go to kayln's grave and just sit and talk to her all the time. I find comfort in doing that. I know i will always be her mommy, and i know she's watching over me. My daughter will always have my love forever, and one day we will be together again. She'll find me in Heaven, she will recognize my heartbeat.

Kayln Elizabeth Stegeman
        12-17-2007
Our precious baby girl

If you need anything, if your friend needs anything, i'm easy to find. I'm on here all the time, and i will be happy to help any way that i can. Tell your friend she's not alone. I hope she finds strength, and i will keep her in my prayers. The first couple months are the hardest, it doesn't get easier trust me, but you find a way to go on even though there are many days when you just can't. I really am so sorry for your friend. Me having gone through this, i feel for every mother who has lost their child. I cry for all the parents who have been through this. You feel comfortable with them. because you have something very special to bond you together. The biggest relief is when i see the twins's parents ( the twins are next to my daughter) and i just cry with them. You feel their pain, and they feel yours. So please, tell your friend i'm here and she is not alone. Tell her don't hold the hurt it, it only makes it worse. Sometimes there's nothing better for me then a good cry. Tell her God will take care of her. Although i know it doesn't feel like it right now, He will. Stay strong for your friend, and take care!

[Cath278]

Hi. My sister lost her baby when she was 37 weeks. That was 6 months ago. After being thru it with her, my advice is,listen,listen,listen.The grief is as real as if the child had lived. Your friend has lost her future. After all the planning and preparation for the baby there is a huge void that only time will fill. She wont be able to se that now or for a long time so as her friend,listen,let her cry, ask questions, even if its for the hundredth time. Be patience.She will always carry this loss in her heart but time does heal. My sister is much better now but it has changed her.All she wanted was time to heal with her family and friends. Im sure you will do the same for your friend.Good luck.Cath278

[jml1986]

There is no really guide line of what you should say to her. The best thing you can do is to be there for her. She may not have raised this child, but it was still her child and it died and she will grieve for it like she would if she had lost any other loved one. Don't avoid conversations about the baby, because she will want and need to talk about the baby. It is a grief and grief is a hard thing to get through. Just let her know she is not alone.