Grieving Process

[Tired55]

Hi to all in this community and extended sympathy to all who have experienced either grief or loss. I have experienced both so many times I couldn't begin to count. My question to all of you concerns the loss of my youngest sister-March will be 5 yrs. since we lost her. Is there a time limit that I should be on when it comes to grieving for her because the loss is as hard now as it was when it she left this world. Her "departure" was peaceful but her life had been turned upside down not only by her disease but by her husband and son. She gave them everything she could yet they were not there for her when she needed them and died with a broken heart. Is that one of the reasons I can't seem to let her go? I am also the executor of her estate and am trying to care for my mom and sister and also have funds for my nephew if he decides to go to college. I also still have her ashes,she wanted them to be in the ocean off of Kona,Hawaii (the big island) because she had just moved there before her illness and subsequent diagnosis. I was waiting for a time when my mother and sisters could all go, has still not happened and now short on funds but I made a promise to her I pray I can keep. I'm just afraid now that the friends she wanted to be there when her ashes are scattered may not even be around by now so what should I do. I want desperately to honor her wishes as they were few, we had no service or memorial for her here and she deserved that and more, she was a special and generous person. Please help me figure out what my priorities should be and what to do and how to stop they daily grieving after all this time, people are starting to wonder I think.  Thank you so much, I know this is long and jumbled just as my thoughts are.  Tired55

[Ann140]

Sorry for ur loss, but I think asking her son to go is a great idea, if he says no, u still go and put her ashes where she wanted to be. Filming her wish  and having her family see because they couldn't go is a wonderful thing to do. Holding on is causing u more grief.... Let her go as she wanted. She will smile down on you while u are releasing her ashes and I'm positive u will feel her love warm your body.....Someday when her son gets older and has his own family I'm sure he will regret the years he missed with her, but he will be able to look at the film and be able to see his mothers wishes and be thankfull u did that so he could now be there with her in spirit. Ur a good sister...........Praying the hurt eases and your now living happy for u and ur sister both..I'm sure that's whats she would want for u.

[Tired55]

Hi and thank you for responding to my post, so sorry it took so long to reply, my service up here isn't the greatest so I have not been checking my mail like I should. Guilt about the ashes and also guilt about not being in my sister's sons life like I should be (he is 21 now and has never reached out to his mom's family due to the brainwashing by his father). I have tried to reach out to him, but not enough, need to be more persistant for my beloved sister's sake, I know that is what she would want for him. I think I will offer to take him to Hawaii with her ashes as I now know my mom and sister will never be able to go. think Ihave waited long enough...too long in fact. I also know that I do need counseling. I am an RN and have studied both psychology and life development, and both talked about the stages of grief but to know these things doesn't always help when the person needing help is yourself, so again, I thank you so very much for your kind words and advice.   Sincerely, Tired55

[garrettandelsasmom]

"I suggest this because I'm afraid her wish is freezing you in a spot where you'll get nothing at all done, and it will just eat at you every day.  Your sister wouldn't want that at all!  She is in a better place already, and doesn't need her ashes any more.  You can do a respectful job this way, and not kill yourself and everyone else with trips nobody can afford. "

I loved this paragraph by AnnieBrooke and think it is so true.  Your sister wouldn't want you paralyzed by her passing. She would want you to be finding peace and contentment and joy in your life and the world around you as much as possible.

I don't think there's a time line.  I think certain things will cause grief to pop up at varying and unexpected times.  I do think there is an intense phase of grief that gradually fades, but if your grief continues to render life difficult to live you may want to consider counseling or a support group of sorts.  Like many things, I've found that grief is more challenging in combination with loneliness and isolation, and perhaps talking to someone would allow a part of yourself to be freed from the heaviness of the grief you describe.

So sorry for the loss of your sister and the complicating factors with both her ashes and helping to care for her son.  Love and peace to you!

[AnnieBrooke]

I would contact a religious leader in your own religion or your sister's, who lives in Hawaii on the big island.  Explain your situation and ask if he could officiate at the part of the wish of your sister about the ashes being committed to the ocean there.  Then have the service in the place where all the friends are.  In other words, have the service in your town, and if there are also a lot of friends in Hawaii, also in Hawaii.  You and your mom and sisters can go to the one where you live.  If someone could film the committing of the ashes and send you the video of it, it could be played at the service here.

I suggest this because I'm afraid her wish is freezing you in a spot where you'll get nothing at all done, and it will just eat at you every day.  Your sister wouldn't want that at all!  She is in a better place already, and doesn't need her ashes any more.  You can do a respectful job this way, and not kill yourself and everyone else with trips nobody can afford.

Good luck, I have been in grief counseling and it makes a WORLD of difference.  See if your health-care provider has someone specializing in bereavement counseling.  

Take care.

[Kayannaboo]

Hello there.

I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your sister but dear? there is no stone, word, phrase, parable or anything that says you have to grieve within a specified time. NONE. Take all the time you need and do not feel as if there is a time frame. Only you know how you feel on the inside, noone can judge that, noone has the right to do so. When we lose the ones we love, it is so difficult to find peace. My uncle, my mom's brother, he died about 5ys ago and she still cries like it was yesterday and so I let her. Time heals all wounds and it will get easier I promise, just take it one step at a time. And a ceremony for your sister doesn't have to be big you know? You can have something private. Many people say the memorial gives them a bit of closure. It in no way takes away the pain and hurt though.

I would suggest that you speak to a grief counsellor if one is available or a religious leader, if you is present. Take care of yourself and please give yourself enough time.