Help with dealing with the loss of my mom

[lindarc362]

I just lost my mom July 20, 2008 from non small cell lung cancer. I'm not doing so well, my husband thinks I should see a grief counseller. I'm sure he is right. We live far away from the city and I'm not use to talking to a stranger about such personal things. Can anyone recommend any books on dealing with the loss of your mother and your very best friend. I know I need help, I feel like I'm drowning. I miss her so much, I just don't know how to go on.

Thanks for any help you can give.

Lindarc

[eleanor2008]

My condolences on your loss.    7 months is such a short time for this arduous process.  I lost my Father in February 2008 and I lost my Mom January 2002.   I was just getting past the 5 year mark as my Mom used to say  when you still feel the grief but the intensity leaves and you begin to get used to the reality.     You have to get through all the firsts.   First birthday without your parents,  first Christmas, First all holidays.    It's so very difficult.    You realize that you've lost your anchor, your compass and that you are now a real adult -- alone in the world.    Your parents always made sure you were still the child.     I don't know where you draw strength from once the parents are gone.    I have a hard time and I go to the cemetary.     I also try to think about the fact that they lost their parents too and they were able to eventually pull through -- I think.  Who really knows since your parents didn't want you to see the pain.   They knew you would eventually have to experience it.    There's no preparation for it.    I remember my Mom saying about 7 months before she passed.   "look kid,  it's going to happen,  you can't stop it."    I was always afraid for Mom to go out by herself because I had this fear that she'd get hurt - living in an area that has a lot of traffic.    Well,  she was hit and was in the hospital for 2 months with broken legs and 2 broken ribs.   Ultimately, it was the infections that took her on January 3, 2002.     My father,  slipped and fell in the basement on January 2, 2008 and broke his hip.    That was the last day I spoke him because on Jan 3,  he developed a stroke and never regained consciousness, infections developed and he passed on Feb 24.     So,  Jan 2 was the last day, I spoke to my Mom and Jan 2 was the last I spoke to my Dad -- 6 years apart.
I hate the Fall and Winter months.    I wish I could just go right to spring with the new growth and cheerful atmosphere.

[suzi-q]

To all of those who are so new to losing your mom.....Yes, it is definitely one of the hardest things that your heart will ever have to endure.  But somehow, someway, you do make it through..(My mom passed just about 8 years ago)..Things are never the same...but you learn that it is "ok" anyway.  You will never forget and at the beginning (especially the firsts (and I think the seconds, too) are very very difficult and bring the pain front and center all over again (first Christmas, birthday, etc)....but without you even realizing it, the pain eventually subsides and you find yourself sharing memories of your mom and funny stories and recipes with a smile!  Of course, there are times that you will still break down....for we always want our "mommy"...but your raw pain does get replaced eventually with happy thoughts and memories that you will always treasure.  May God bless all of you at this difficult time.

[dadavis904]

I can not tell you that I know how you feel but I just lost my mother on September 24th. She had been terminally ill for months and I tried to prepare myself for what I knew was coming. Last week to the date when I got that call my heart felt like it broke and my body instantly filled with water that seems to overflow through my eyes at anytime. I hope that for your sake and mine time will heal our pain. People say think of the good memories that we have and that will help as well. I hope so, my doctor said it will be this way for about six months and griefing is what makes us human. All I know is that I miss my mom, when I hear a certain song or someone ask me how I'm doing or even when I'm doing nothing I think of her and I cry. I know that she is no longer in any pain and she is with God watching over me.

[jml1986]

I have not los t my mother, but I did lose my dad, who was my best friend in the whole world, nine years ago and here is how I described my experience. Dad died suddenly, and in that one second in time, I went from being a 37 year old woman to a 4 year old little girl who just wanted her daddy back. For the first couple of weeks, people were everywhere, saying what I thought at the time were the stupidest things that every came out of a persons mouth. Things like, how are you doing, you need to be strong for your family, time will heal. All things that were truly meant to be comforting, yet made me want to scream. After the service was over, everyone avoided you like you had a disease because they didn't want to upset you. They didn't know that by avoiding you they were hurting you even more, because all you needed was someone to talk to. You would go out in public and you were never so alone in your life. You just wanted to know how everyone could go on living, when you were dying inside. Everday you would just get up and go through the motions, of pretending when you were doing better when people would ask, and everynight you would crawl into a hot shower and cry like a baby, because it was the only place you could be totally alone and come out with red eyes without someone asking you if you were okay. Once your brain start functioning a little better, you realize that you know longer give dates when ask when something occured, you respond before the death or after the death. Then it happens, one night you realize that you had not thought about you parent all day, and you cry with guilt. But that truly is the sign that you are starting to heal a little. The one thing that you need to remember most is, how long you grieve is not a measure of how much you loved your mom. She would want you to go on and live a happy productive life, and  when the time is right, you will start healing.

[kipland]

I’m so very sorry for the loss of your mom.  I don’t have any magic words to help you feel better, but just wanted to let you know that I can definitely relate.  I lost my mom and best friend this past February to ovarian and liver cancer.  She died two weeks after the diagnosis.  My faith helped get me through the majority of it, but I’m still floundering a bit.  

Someone out here said that they went to bed one person and woke up another.  That’s exactly how I feel in a nutshell.  Life as I knew it came to a screaching halt.  My mom was such a huge part of my life.  Almost daily, I go to pick up the phone to call her.  And it’s been 7 months!  I frequently visit the cemetery to talk to her.  At first, it was daily.  Now, it’s not nearly that often.  That tells me that I’m getting through this!

My old routine is gone, and I’m having a hard time finding a new one.  I did break down and go to the doctor, and got myself on an anti-depressant.  I think that’s helped a bit.  From what I’ve read, the grieving process is different for everyone.  You can’t put a timeline on it.  

Give yourself time to grieve.  It’s still very fresh.  You’ll always miss your mom, especially if you were close to her.  If you feel hopeless, I agree with your husband – find a good grief counselor, or better yet, a support group.  That way, you don’t have to feel uncomfortable with the one on one.

Feel free to send me a message if you ever feel the need to chat.  Sometimes just talking about it helps!  

PS – I hate cancer.