Hi everyone. I'm new here but need some advice & help moving past the death of my 4 month old daughter. It's been 21 years and I still can't move on. I only held her hand full of times, she never left hospital, survived 10 operation before doctors told us that it was a matter of days & suggested that for her sake we take her off life support. We took her off and I held her & told her that it was ok to let go. From there it's a weird haze. 2 days later while out w/ my family trying to find a place to lay her to rest, we we rear ended by a semi that almost took my life. I live not only with this giant hole in my heart but also chronic pain from a very messed up spine. Doctors say that the accident & pain from accident have crossed wires "so to say" in my brain/mind that it's making it all the harder to move on. Can anyone help me or give me a direction to turn to? I've been hospitalized for having a full blown mental breakdown to where I've been told by husband I couldn't speak, eat, walk or anything else w/o his help. My eyes were open but he says that there was no one looking back.
I suffer from PTSD, Clinical Depression, agoraphobia, panic attacks, night terrors, bipolar disorder and sleeplessness <due to head trauma/brain damage from accident. I've seen so many doctors, tried almost everything out there & still I'm stuck as if it happened yesterday.
I've not been back to her grave but once. I feel like such a failure, daughter had birth defects even though I quickly stopped smoking the night we found out we were expecting, I didn't drink and watched what I ate. Nobody even mentions her at all & that kills me.
I'm not in a situation where I would harm myself as I believe that if there is a better place our souls go, I have to keep that belief, I want to be reunited with my baby girl. It's been 21 years for crying out loud.
Thank you for your time, any advice & any guidance.