I don't know how to handle the pain

[Elly_4]

My mom passed away suddenly a year ago.  I was 5 months pregnant with her first grandchild.  We were supposed to go crib shopping and do all the fun baby things together.  The day she passed was horrific, I could barely cry because I was in so much shock.  I feel like my brain keeps telling me to get through this holiday and then I'll get to see her, but then I become really depressed knowing that she's not coming back.  I have a beautiful son, a wonderful husband, and a great life, but deep down I'm very depressed.  I hide it a lot because most of my family doesn't like talking about it.  I often have thoughts of suicide because the pain is so unbearable.  I don't know how to get through this?!!  I don't know how I could live my life without her, she was my best friend.  My husband wants another child and I keep thinking to myself that would be good for my son to have a sibling for when I'm not here (hopefully in the near future).  I hate my life right now, I don't know what to do.

[Beanie0]

I couldn't find any words to put in my own post to this Community.  After reading your post I noticed that our situations were similar.enough (sort of) to post along with this discussion.  I have no children to worry about.  I've had Mental Health problems most of my adult life, which has lead to difficulties with nearly all my family members.  I saw Dad regularly though - we were close, and the love was there, only he was unable to tolerate my emotional 'states'.    He helped in a practical manner, which suited me as an adult, the privacy gave me dignity.
Now he's gone, he's gone.  I haven't got a clue how to cope; never had someone close die on me before.
I am scared.  I feel like a 7 year old - I was too dependent on him, he was always there at the end of the phone.
My self harm has increased and I am having suicidal type thoughts.  I even feel physically sick, like I am naturally dying.  When I had to go to the hospital for chest pain recently, I was asked by the Doctor if I felt suicidal, but I just lied.
For the years of Mental torture I've had in my head, nothing has felt as wrong as this.  Beanie0 :-) I always put a smile at the end of my post's!?!

[mammo]

I lost both my parents when I was 25 and it was a horrific loss.  We never know what curve balls life will throw at us and often it's just plain cruel.  As a mom myself I know your mom would want you to go on and live the happy life she always wanted you to have....easier said than done.  But I'm sure you wish your son could have known his grandma and he can, through you!  Keep a journal and photos of his grandma and let her shine through you in all you do so everyone will know what a wonderful person she was. Ending your life is not the answer, your son needs his mother.  You know how hurt you are, think of what his life would be like without you.  You are very fortunate in so many ways, ways that every mom wishes for her daughter.  Keep a journal of your feelings and emotions, the good times with your mom it will serve as a release for you.  I lost both my sons and a grandson so I know your pain and how difficult it is...I just keep thinking of what it would do to my daughter, husband and grandkids if I were gone and I cannot bear to think of their pain.  It has gotten me through some tough times.  Just know that all you're feeling is valid and it will get easier.  I don't know how just that it does.  Your mom is looking down on you and would want you to live a happy and fulfilling life.  She knows you love and miss her but don't hurt her by not living your life...you do need to discuss this with someone, cry when you feel like it, everyone will understand.  Everything is not alright and it's okay to show people this, especially your husband.  You have to go through the emotions and they are warranted so don't pretend to be okay.  Talk to your husband and find a therapist to help you with this.  You and your son deserve happiness and it's what your mom wants more than anything.  I wish I could help.  Big hugs to you.

[AnnieBrooke]

Have you spoken with a grief counselor?  I was referred to one who worked in the ob-gyn department of my HMO and it was very helpful just to be able to talk about the things that were happening.  Have you talked to your doctor?