I feel so alone!

[mom2jared]

My mother passed in May of 2010 from Ovarian Cancer.  She was diagnosed in December of 2009 and after three chemo treatments, she died on May 2, 2010.  One day she was healthy and the next she was throwing up every five minutes.  I hated seeing her like that.  She made it to my 40th birthday in April, but shortly thereafter, she developed an infection and her poor body couldn't fight it.  I didn't even have a chance to say goodbye to her. I had no closure and my relationship with my mom was strained, the say the least.  Sometimes we would get along and other times we didn't.  My Dad is now dating, but I can't seem to move on.  I miss her so much.  People keep telling me that she is watching over me, but I can't get myself to believe that.  I'm not a religious person so I don't know what to believe.  I thought things would start to get better, but they are getting worse.  I'm constantly depressed and friends stopped calling me.  I feel so alone!  I'm on medications for anxiety and seeing a grief counselor, which are helping somewhat, but I still feel sad all the time.  How do you move on?

[LifeCoach]

Dear mom2jared, I will answer this in two ways: one as a daughter who also misses her mom, one as a certified life coach.  First, let me say that I understand what you're feeling as I lost my mom when I was 29 and had two children.  It was horribly hard to handle.  Now I'm 40, and although I still miss her, the first year was the worst.  Be patient with yourself; the severity of the emotional pain does ease up with each passing year. Now, as a life coach, I would like to stress the importance of looking forward.  So, think of ways that all your memories (the past) can help you in the future.  Can you plant her favorite flower in your own yard this spring?  Can you make a scrapbook of your favorite memories and show it to special people in your life?  Can you make a recipe book of all her very best recipes?  Use your past memories to create a beautiful future.  One last thing, it was when my mom passed that I had a sudden strengthening in my relationship with my dad. He is now my very best friend, and so is his wife.  Allow these days ahead to be wonderful!  My sympathy and understanding to you.  

[mammo]

Hi......I lost both my parents in a car accident when I was 25, so I understand how you're feeling.  My mom and I also has a strained relationship.  I took her passing extremely hard, actually harder than I felt I should have due to our relationship.  I had to seek therapy and I explained that I loved my mother and was saddened by losing her, but to be taking it so hard confused me as she was always so hurtful to me.  My therapist told me that it was not the loss of my mother I was mourning, but what "might" have been.  She said so long as my mom was alive I had hope that one day we would be close and have a great relationship, when she died....so did that hope. Had she lived nothing would have changed.
Try journaling your feelings, it's a great release for us and you will feel better, even write them in the form of letters.  I did this when I lost my son just hoping he heard what I wrote.  Your mother is always with you, you're part of her and she you!  The one thing she would want most for you is happiness, and although you are saddened and miss her, try to make her happy by living a happy and honorable life.....this is a wonderful tribute to your mom! I know this is all easier said than done, but I can tell you that it does get easier with time.  I don't know how, just that it does.  There will be times when you will be able to think of her and smile, other times her memory will still make you sad.  I know it's very difficult to not have closure and not having said our last words, and this still haunts me.  I whisper this to my deceased loved ones everyday and have to trust they hear me.  You'll get thru this, and I'm so very sorry for all you're enduring.  She knew, and knows you love her very much, as moms we just do.  Just like with your strained relationship, you still loved her, nothing can break a mother daughter bond. It's hard when they are taken from us during a time when things aren't so good between us, but the love is still there no matter what.  Your mother lives on in you.....keep her happy.  Big hugs and take care.