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Avatar universal

I want to die due to my 25 year old sons death 19 days ago

My son died 19 days ago. I really want to die. I don't think I can ever get over this. He was so sweet and no one understands life to me is over. I went to a therapist yesterday but that did not help. My doctor gave me 20 Ativan and now says I need to feel the grief. Really 20? I guarantee he would need more if he lost his son. I can't sleep and I just cry. It's getting worse. I keep going into Shiloh's room to smell his clothes. I don't want to talk to anyone. No one can tell me anything for me to feel better. I just want to go to sleep and forget this nightmare. I'm afraid I'm going to forget his voice his "Hi Mom"
8 Responses
Avatar universal
I am terribly sorry for your loss. However please believe Shiloh is at peace now and surely he would not want you to be so sad.
They are fine, it is us who are left behind that suffer.
Shiloh is fine.
Cry what you need to cry, then gather strength and get back on your feet.
I send you loads of hugs.
18524847 tn?1465599501
I truly can not imagine anything worse than losing a child.  My heart goes out to you.  Time does heal but only sort of.  It will always hurt I am sure.  But in a less fresh, searing way.  Grief counseling takes time.  If you become fearful that you may harm yourself, please PLEASE call a help line or ask a family member for help.  I too offer you loads of hugs.  
Avatar universal
What you are feeling is a beginning process of grief. You feel guilty for surviving. It is horrible to lose a loved one. There is nothing that can take the pain away but time and staying involved in orher activities outside of home. Joining a group of like minded helps. Staying connected to life helps. I understand your grief because i have experienced it as well. I hope you feel some peace soon.
4769306 tn?1528857266
I am so sorry to be reading this. I pray that God gives you peace and comfort in the mist of your storm. You know you sound exactly like my sister. She lost her daughter at 5years of age. You see my niece had sickle cell disease. One morning she woke up complaining to my sister about a headache. My sister was on the road taking my niece to the prediatric because she also started vomiting and she had lost feeling on her entire right side. My poor niece at 5yrs old had suffered a stroke. But you sound like my sister worried she would forget what my niece's voice sounded like. Although things like that may fade you will always have the memories, pictures and of course some of their special things that you have decided to keep in rememberance of them.  

I myself have suffered 3 miscarriages and I too feel the pain from that everyday (no living children) to look down in my arms and see my baby whose voice I will never hear, that I'll never get to see grow up to be 5 or 19. Please know that what you are feeling is completely normal but please DO NOT GIVE UP ON LIFE. Cry when you need to, scream when you need to, Hell hit something if you need to!!!!! But please don't give up on your life. It's true God doesn't put more on us than we can bare, even though we feel like we are at the end of our road.
I lost my mother in 2010
Lost my dad in 2013
My niece and BFF in 2014 within 2 months of ove another
3 m/c , one in 2013 2014 &2015
Both of my grandmothers in 2016 exactly 8 days apart (April 2016)
Lost my mother n law (May 2016)

So I def know what loss feels like. I hope this has helped you to know you are not alone and I will be praying for you

Big hugs to you
Avatar universal
I am extremely sorry for your loss. I cannot begin to imagine the gravity of your loss. You have every right to be sad and my heart goes out to you. But ending your life is not the solution. You will find peace again. You will feel the gratitude to be alive again. Trust me. That's not you or me, it's the magic of life.
4067477 tn?1450127936
I know your pain--- I lost my 17 year old Son just barely over a year ago, well March 30th marked one year. Suicide. The hardest ever to understand and get thru. It was after a fight with his father-- we're divorced since my son was 5 and both remarried. We had shared custody. My son spent the school year with his dad and summers and holiday breaks with me, so his schooling was not affected. Anyway, It IS VERY HARD TO LIVE THRU-BUT YOU WILL LIVE THRU IT. Painfully, with alot of grief, sadness, anger, frustration, denial-- you go thru a whole range of emotions. But for us Moms--life goes on-- we keep them alive in hearts and in our memories. I printed out every picture I could find of my son and put them all in albums or collage frames and hung them on the wall. I have his ashes in a beautifully engraved oaken box, I have his us flag from his boyscouts troop and his cowboy hat and a picture all sitting on a shelf in my bookcase.... I see him all the time. His picture is my computer background and my cell phone background. I keep him close to me. I talk to him every day. It keeps him close to me. It keeps me close to him. I hurt-- my heart breaks, I cry, but then I think of my precious son and what he would say or do---and I smile.... You'll never forget him, not as long as you want to remember. Blessed be my friend. Peace and heavenly light shine upon you. Be strong-- for your son.
Sincerely- Psyvamp (aka--Trish)
Avatar universal
I am truly sorry for your loss. I am 43 i have 3 children and always swore if i lost one theyd have to put me in the psych ward. March 22nd 2015 i lost my only sibiling my big brother no not my child but the pain sure does feel like it. He was my moms only son and im all she has left. Sometimes i wonder how in the world she is still living or not nuts. She explained she has to go on for me she tears into me for everything now my health what i should and should not eat everything HEALTHY she even made me go do the HEART SMART test with her. Now myself for the past 2 yrs now ive cried every single day ive been put in a mental center for my grief i just cant stand to be without my brother. I can not imagine my future without him in it. I dont want to talk about him as a memory i want him there. Being his only sibiling i inhereted all his belongings i go thru all his things atleast once to twice a wk. The 1st yr he was gone i paced my hall way crying out BUBBY BUBBY PLEASE COME BACK TO ME i was losing it then i lost all faith in god i dont like that feeling but i did he took my one and only left me brotherless im no longer a sister im an only child. No one to talk to about secrets u cant tell your parents no one to fight with NO ONE AT ALL. And your right it doesnt matter what anyone says it doesnt help nothing is going to help until i see him again. But i cant see him until its my time i could never put my mom thru that pain of losin her only daughter after losing her only son i couldnt put my kids thru the pain of having no mother or my friends of losing a friend as much as i want to go be with him i must think of others before myself. My pain would be gone but id leave alot of hurting people in some great pain if i left. If u have other children my mom says it helps havin me around alot keeping her mind busy. We have became closer even tho i didnt think we could get any closer. But my mother my brother and i were a tight nit 3 and use both losing someone we both loved more than life itself would make us closer. If you do have other children i hope they are doing better than myself cause u and my mother lost your child us sibilings lost a sibiling and our best friend they might be hurting just as bad if not worse in some peoples cases.id tellyou to keep yourself busy but i can work and cry i do it all the time there are somme meds that helped you cope you just need to find right ones. There are also grieving programs there are grieving books online that help as well or atleast explain why your doing what your doin or in my case screaming paci g hall way like i was i dont know if any of this helped or made it worse i jusr hope you know the ones that try to help you are doing it out of love make sure you love them back and as everyone has told me you know your son would never want to see you like this no child can stand to see there mother in tears and pain and especially when they are the reason for it i cant tell you in time your heart will mend cause id be lying to you but i hope in the future you get some closure and can move forward until you can be with him again
Avatar universal
I am truly sorry for your loss. I am 43 i have 3 children and always swore if i lost one theyd have to put me in the psych ward. March 22nd 2015 i lost my only sibiling my big brother no not my child but the pain sure does feel like it. He was my moms only son and im all she has left. Sometimes i wonder how in the world she is still living or not nuts. She explained she has to go on for me she tears into me for everything now my health what i should and should not eat everything HEALTHY she even made me go do the HEART SMART test with her. Now myself for the past 2 yrs now ive cried every single day ive been put in a mental center for my grief i just cant stand to be without my brother. I can not imagine my future without him in it. I dont want to talk about him as a memory i want him there. Being his only sibiling i inhereted all his belongings i go thru all his things atleast once to twice a wk. The 1st yr he was gone i paced my hall way crying out BUBBY BUBBY PLEASE COME BACK TO ME i was losing it then i lost all faith in god i dont like that feeling but i did he took my one and only left me brotherless im no longer a sister im an only child. No one to talk to about secrets u cant tell your parents no one to fight with NO ONE AT ALL. And your right it doesnt matter what anyone says it doesnt help nothing is going to help until i see him again. But i cant see him until its my time i could never put my mom thru that pain of losin her only daughter after losing her only son i couldnt put my kids thru the pain of having no mother or my friends of losing a friend as much as i want to go be with him i must think of others before myself. My pain would be gone but id leave alot of hurting people in some great pain if i left. If u have other children my mom says it helps havin me around alot keeping her mind busy. We have became closer even tho i didnt think we could get any closer. But my mother my brother and i were a tight nit 3 and use both losing someone we both loved more than life itself would make us closer. If you do have other children i hope they are doing better than myself cause u and my mother lost your child us sibilings lost a sibiling and our best friend they might be hurting just as bad if not worse in some peoples cases.id tellyou to keep yourself busy but i can work and cry i do it all the time there are somme meds that helped you cope you just need to find right ones. There are also grieving programs there are grieving books online that help as well or atleast explain why your doing what your doin or in my case screaming paci g hall way like i was i dont know if any of this helped or made it worse i jusr hope you know the ones that try to help you are doing it out of love make sure you love them back and as everyone has told me you know your son would never want to see you like this no child can stand to see there mother in tears and pain and especially when they are the reason for it i cant tell you in time your heart will mend cause id be lying to you but i hope in the future you get some closure and can move forward until you can be with him again
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