I recently suffered the tragic loss of my dear mother not too long ago. I have since been placed in the center of dramatic life changes which have made me quite uncomfortable to say the least. As I think of my future, I feel that some things that I always looked forward to that are supposed to be happy occasions will now have a sadness to overcome.. For example, when I get married, my mother will not be there -- how can I walk happily down the aisle knowing this? She will never hold or see my children and I feel that will take away from the joy of my family life... I also have the fear of appearing weaker since I am now without a mother -- will new people I meet at work or in my social or dating life see me as a sad little person without a mom on their side?
(I am generally a strong, positive person, and am trying so hard to keep my wits about me.)
To add to my stresses, my Dad has been checking out other women and even cut out my mother's photo from their wedding picture to put himself as dating material on the internet. So many heartbreaking things to go through.
If anyone has been through similar experiences, it would be great to hear from you.
Thanks in Advance--
I'm sorry for your loss, Gabrielle. You will find a way to include your mom in all the happy days ahead, but it takes time. You need to heal first and you will. Please remember that your mom gave you the tools and gifts to go on without her by raising you to be a strong and positive person.
Yes, you will get stronger and you will make it through. It is a very hard road. Both my parent passed 4 months apart and it was total devastation in my life. But, with baby steps I moved forward. I married (very small ceremony-too difficult for me to do without my parents there) and recently adopted a child from China. No, my parents are physically here to see her. But she will know them through me. She will know them through stories and pictures. I know that it isn't the same thing, but I know that they are watching from up above and I truly feel they picked my daughter out for me! Her name is Celia Ernesta..After both my parents...and her favorite stuffed animal she sleeps with every night is "Ernie". (my dad) which is quite ironic becuase she was never attached to a stuffed animal before. I take these things as signs and I know they are their. I feel that they held her in their arms before she was sent down from God above. I don't know if you are religious or spiritual, but these are the things that get me through. My parents are alive in me and I will always keep them alive through my thoughts, words and actions. I hope that I helped you and may God grant you peace.
PS: People will not see you as weaker...in fact, they will see you as stronger. You are able to overcome the ultimate loss and rise to the top and be happy and fulfill your dreams. Marriage, family, children...etc. Of course it will all be bittersweet and of course there will be tears at times, but remember that this is part of life and there is no one alive that doesn't have their own cross to bear. You will laugh and smile again...and you will laugh and smile at all the wonderful times you had with your mom....Trust me...I know.
Thanks so much for your encouraging responses -- It is exactly what I needed to hear.
Take Care & God Bless --
I lost my mother 25 days after my 18th birthday - 14 years ago. (Welcome to adulthood!) I am an only child and it was very difficult. I was strong at first, making more decisions than my father or grandmother, but found as time passed, the pain was worse, then I climbed out of the darkness. To this day, I miss her and am saddened at what she has missed - my wedding and birth of 2 children. I have always find ways to include her memory and at times, I go in a room by myself and talk to her. It is not the same as having her here, but it helps. At my wedding, I had her picture on a table with some candles, wore her string of pearls and made mention of her in my speech. My daughter's middle name is after my mother, and she knows it. I carry my mom's picture in my wallet and have many pictures on my walls. I wear her wedding ring on my right hand. I made my father a collage of photos from all their years together and he loves it and it made me feel good too! Most of all, I try to live a happy life and make her proud. It still hurts when an occassion passes without her. Or even worse is seeing my girlfriends happily plan weddings with their moms or have their moms in the delivery room. I deal with it. I know my mom didn't want to go. I know she is still watching over me. I know she loves me and I love her. The pain never goes away, you just get used to dealing with it. Accept it when it comes, cry if you have to, laugh and smile as much as possible and keep her memory alive. I know I will see her again some day, and we will have a lot of catching up to do.
All my best to you!
My heart goes out to you. I lost my mom when I was 14, I'm now 23. And I've thought about the things you've thought - her not being there during significant times in my life, and it's heart breaking. Tears still well up when I think about not being able to share my successes with her. But you know, I made a decision to accept that it's painful to think about, so I don't fight it. It makes it not so hard when I decided that it's ok to have my moments. Keep reminding yourself that you're doing just fine the way you are no matter how you compare to others.
My dad started dating soon after we lost my mom. I can only imagine how hard it is to having a companion for almost 20 years to having no one. So it was something that was easy for me to accept. He was lonely. I think its different when you're at that age; you can't find comfort or dependency in a friend like you can with a partner. Please don't misunderstand, I'm not telling you how you should feel or respond to his behavior, I don't know you and I don't know your dad. But I wanted to share my experience with you in hopes so you could know you're not alone. =)
i hope you read this i am new to this forum..i to lost my mom..i read your post and you took the words out of my mouth i am crying right now and i cant stop i hate that someone else has to feel what i feel...i miss her sooooooo much my heart aches she was my everything...she pasted 4 months before my wedding that was the hardest thing cause she planned it with me and she was so exited..i was all she had we lost my brother in 2004 to suicide..so we had a very tight bond she was my best friend i loved her more then life...i still do...she had rheumitiod arthritis and had to have valve replacment but had complications after surgury,,,,she fell into a coma and for 7 1/2 months i tryed anything i could to save her i dedcated my life and all my time but i couldnt i had to take her of life support so me and my husband got married at her bed side even though she was brain dead i feel she new somehow that i did that for her.....i just bought a house and am thinking of gettnig pregnant and what should be a happy time i keep thinking of all the things she's missing and how proud she would be of me...and i know everyone says she with me and will alwys be but someow tha that never gives me comfort i want her here standing in front of me so i can see her beautiful face and hug her again and tell her all the things i always wanted to.......if you need to talk im here..Gina
I do not usually do this and post on threads, but I do enjoy reading them. but after reading yours, it was like you had read my mind. I lost my mom in April, she was 82 years old and I had put my life on hold for the last twenty-three or twenty four years to look after her and my dad. When they called me to tell me my mom had stopped breathing I did not want to believe them and when I went into the emergency room and saw her lying there I still did not believe it. I kept talking to her and pulling her to get up. I had this feeling that if she just heard my voice she would get up for us to go back home together. I know the pain, you feel. I never ever knew that you could hurt the way I have. I feel like more than half of me is in that grave with my mother. I feel as if I dont have anything to go on for and sometimes I get so overwhelmed with the grief I become confused. The crying has not stopped yet and sometimes it takes hours and hours for me to stop no matter how hard I try. the tears keep coming. I feel I was a good daughter to my mom because I was there when none of the others was around. I took care of my mom so no one else would be mean to her. And her children were happy because that meant their life could go on. Gabrielle, you are right I hate that others have to feel this deep hurt. Sometimes I tell my children I wish to be with my mom. I have always felt she was the only one who ever loved me anyway. A mothers love is something that is truly what you call.. P-R-I-C-E-L-E-S-S.!!
It is comforting to know that I am not alone in my despair.... All of your input was so helpful! I agree that we MUST try to live happy lives and make our Mothers proud. (I Know they wouldn't want us to spend our time always crying or to become basket cases over this) Believe me, I never had bags under my eyes Before this tragic episode. I can almost hear my Mom telling me to " Get ahold of yourself -- this cannot go on!"
I think instead of being anxious, we need to "hold our heads high" when being around friends planning weddings with their moms or seeing 'grandmothers in the delivery room" etc. I felt reminded of this recently before attending a family gathering. We are not any less than anyone with a mom-- we all had great Mothers who we Miss and who did a Lot for us to be where we are today .... I try to remember that some rather successful people have suffered the same loss all too soon
( Condoleeza Rice, Sandra Bullock, Harry Connick, Jr) and they went far with their lives.
I have to work on handling the Many other stresses associated with such a loss, and what is strange is that it seems that this can be a period to fall under an attack of believeing that everything is going wrong. Better days are ahead....
God Bless You All,
My mom is on a ventilator. My grief is to much to bear