Physical/Emotional Abandonement

[Jade59]

I have two nieces, 16 and 18 who are coping with the loss of their mother in their life.  The mother has been obese and depressed since before they were born and as a result, these two children have had to take care of her physical and emotional needs since they were small.  This has created much hatred and resentment on the childrens part.  The mother has NEVER put their needs above hers.  The homelife was erratic, no rules, no continuety and no encouragement or love.  The mother slept all day, took massive amounts of painkillers and summoned the kids for her needs at all hours of the night.  It did'nt matter that they had to get up and go to school.  Almost 2yrs ago, the mother went into an assisted living home and basically abandoned the kids leaving the father with sole custody.  The father is clueless about the psychology of people, let alone teenagers.  The kids had to leave the only home they have known and move into a trailer.  These are such good kids, but now the 18yr old is pregnant and the 16 year old has been smoking cigs and a LOT of pot along with experimenting with a mirriad of drugs.  I am watching her grades go from As and Bs to Fs and her beautiful, empathetic, compassionate personality is getting buried in anger and drug use.  It is breaking my heart and I am wondering if this forum would be the place for her to connect with other teens/adults in similar situations or is this forum more for loss pertaining to death.  I think, if she could read that she is not alone, maybe it would help.  I am going to have her read this forum anyway, because loss is loss and her mother might as well be dead for all the attention she pays to these kids.  Also, their father is an alchoholic who blames the children for THEIR behavior instead of realizing that they are reacting to their parents emotional neglect.  He is immature and parties with the kids!!!   I love both these kids equally, but am closer to the 16yr old as she reminds me of myself so much when I was that age.  Can anyone relate?  I am just desperate to help.  Thank you for any advice in advance and, well, just thank you for listening.  

[strega]

I can certainly understand the depression and pain side you experience.  I haven't gotten out for a fun time in a long time and last night for a brief period I actually had a nice time.  Have you tried hard to distract yourself from all the negative stuff that's going on?  For me when the world sucks me down, it seems to get harder to get out of it than it used to be.  The aches in the morning make it more difficult.  When I do get going I always do my cardio work-out and hope that I'll be able to do some kind of toning.  About the girls.  I can understand the 'out of control'.  I guess it will be in God's hands at this point.  I've seen alot people go down and many go right back up after they've gone through a big loss and gotten into all kinds of trouble.  There is a 40ish man who comes to the gym I work at.  He was yelling about how he must leave his common-law wife or he'll go insane.  He works for the government creating programs for delinquent youth.  He has a positive side to some of the things these kids do despite the opinion of others.  One of the reasons he supports them and helps them is because he was one of them too when he was younger.  He gets right in there with these kids and hires and creates programs.  Google pactprogram.  Not sure if it might apply to your needs but my friend still has the aggressive tone yet he became educated enough to supervise a program like this.  Check it out.  There is also a Christian man who runs freedomvillageusa who is making strides with troubled teens from Canada and the States.  Teens are sponsored to live there.  

Good luck and thanks to you for your support as well.

[nowherechild]

.a

[Jade59]

Unfortunatly, my husband and I are not in a position to take them in.  Besides having a very tiny house, I suffer from depression and anxiety and have been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, amoung other things.  If I dwell on their situation too much, I start to have panic attacks and then I am not any good at all.  The thing is, even if we COULD have taken them in, this should have been done years ago because now the 16yr old is just so out of control, steals and is so angry that I am afraid she wouldn't follow our rules and possibly steal from us.  These kids are used to being on their own and out in the world when in reality, they are emotionally 12 and 14, if that. Extremely immature, and just don't know how to BE in life.  No kind of solid example.  Thank you for your idea about the Big Brothers and Sisters program.  It's a really good one and I'm going to look into it.  

I am so sorry to hear about your dad and nephews passing.  I have been lucky not to lose a parent yet and I hope it is a long time coming.  My folks are 75 and I can't imagine them not being here, but I know I will have to face that fact maybe sooner than later.  I hope your pain, too, gets better with each passing day.  How lucky you are to have the example your mother has bestowed on you.  Without RESILIANCE, this world will just eat you right up.   Best of luck to you.

[strega]

Wow.  This is one of the most important notes I've read so far on this forum.  There is nothing we can do for the ones who have died, is there?  You are so right about how it is really the parents, poor souls, who just don't have the facilities to deal with these two girls.  What about you?  Is your position in life blocking you from taking them in?  They need a good psychologist to work with them for years to motivate them to go on.  No matter how abusive a parent has been, it is the instince of the kids to miss them good or bad.  Someone needs to really emphasize that life goes on and they must get up and go to school and work.  An honest after school, weekend job to keep them going would be a good start.  Also, I'm in Canada, we have something called Big Brothers and Big Sisters.  A solid, loving person who can get them 'out of the gutter' so to speak might be a good idea and it doesn't cost anything.  The girls were used to misery and misery loves company.  My Mom lost her Mom when she was only 5.  That was the week when WW2 was over.  She left 5 small children.  When certain childless Aunts got a hold of the little ones, they tried to make them into donkies by giving them the kinds of chores they didn't like.  My Grandfather later married his sister in law who wanted to save the kids from this fate.  She was not a well person either.  When they moved to Canada, she fell ill and my Mother and the other two sisters became her chambermaids.  My Mother WAS ALWAYS RESILIANT.   The most important part of getting out of this gutter is how resiliant a person can be.  NO NO A PERSON MUST NOT GET CAUGHT UP IN THE SATUS QUO and do the booze and drugs to feel better!!!  We know where that will go.  My Mother took her tragedies and they were many, and learned English, married my Dad (who died a month ago) and worked hard.  I have seen what TRUE RESILIANCE is through my Mother.  That is what these girls must learn.  They must learn that there are others like them.  There really are.  My Mom is 69 right now, and I am a fitness instructor.  I got her over to the gym last night to walk on the treadmill.  She is so sad now that my Dad is gone, but she is RESILIANT.  She will learn to find a new perspective in life as she always did.  I am so down too about my Dad's horrible death and the death of my nephew, my big accident that leaves me in alot of pain.  I still GO TO WORK AT THE GYM !!!!  I can't lift weights, but I do what I can.  BE STRONG is a statement that my 16 year old nephew said to us before he died.  "BE STRONG and BE HAPPY".  Patrick also said, "what is depressed?  I can't understand why people waste a day doing that.  I wish so badly that I could just walk up the stairs at the internet cafe like I used to....."

Lots of love and support,
S.