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363281 tn?1643235611

Today, April 14, It is sad day for me.

Hello ~Well, it was 4 years ago today that my beloved mother was called to go home to the Lord. Gosh, it seems just like a few weeks ago, actually. Most of my days are better now, but, there are others when the hurt is so bad I can hardly stand it.

She died around 20 minutes after midnight, I remember it so well. It was a rainy night, and her breathing was getting more and more labored, she had been in a coma for two days and her bodily functions were shutting down. I kept holding her hand. I kept hoping against hope that somehow a miracle would happen and she would wake up and things would be OK. I knew deep down, however, that that would not happened, she had so many health issues, mainly her heart and circulation, and I knew it was time, but still.........

Anyway, one thing that STILL upsets me is the fact I was not there the minute she died. I feel like a wicked person. The nurse even asked if I wanted to stay and I said I wanted to go to my motel for a little while, I was soooooo tired, plus, I was in denial and did not think the Lord would call her just yet. So, like a selfish person, I went to my room, I was not there more than an hour when the phone rang, I knew instantly what it was about, the nurse told me she had passed. I got dressed in a daze and went to the hospital, I went in her room, she looked peaceful, I gave her a kiss on the forehead and said "Well, now you know, you are with Jesus, you are no longer in pain" I left the room, pulled the door a-jar and to the nurses station. She asked if I wanted her clothes, I said to give to some needy person, I just could not take them. She gave me a hug.

Folks tell me not to feel bad about not being there those last hours, but I do. True, for the ten years she was ill, I was with her constantly, dad had to stay home with the critters and he did not do well in hospitals and since I have worked in them, etc, I was the logically one. I would stay in hosptial motels to be near her, some of the hospitals actually had nice rooms like studios to stay in when you had a loved one in the hosptial, I also stayed in the room if there was no where else to go. I was there always and would answer all the docs questions as sometimes she could not remember stuff. I am soooo glad I did, and I would do it again too.

Anyway, I went back to my motel, and in the morning, made my calls and then arrangements for her cremation and such. I know the Lord had His arm around me as I was so very calm.

I know my dad is still hurting, they were married 60 years, they had known each other since he was 14 and she was 12. Golly.

So, needless to say, these last few days have been very rough. Time heals all, but, I do not think a person ever gets over it, sure, we deal and cope, with the Lord's help, but, there is always that sadness waiting to re-surface.

Oh, and if I hear the song "At Last" one more time on that commercial, I will scream. They were playing that song on the radio lots the day she died, and every time I hear it, it drives me crazy. It was also the song they played at their wedding, but, then, it was the original one, done by Glenn Miller, which is lots prettier, in my opinion. I know when dad hears it he really gets sad. It was "their song"

To add to this sadness, our sweet dog, Su-Lin is doing very poorly, I feel the inevitable, humane thing to do is near, probably in a week. We had her 14 years, she was mothers dog, and now, dad says when she dies, he has lost all of mom. Well, this hurts me, I mean, what I am I ? Chopped liver? I guess that is why I have not had her put to sleep, I dread to think how dad will take it, though, he has recommended it quite a few times. I have to say, at times, she is OK, she walks fine and eats, but, she is not herself. Other days, she falls, her hips give out, she is like Marley, in Marley and Me. So, I am just praying over this and observing her this week.

Well, thanks for letting me talk, it helps. I know mom is happy, no more pain, and having a wonderful time, better than me for sure.

7 Responses
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681888 tn?1272922309
how are you my dear ,...Ive been reading your post and it got to me in many ways
can i just tell you Ive lost two of my children to suicide and i wasn't there for them either
at the time they passed ,..its a very lonely death suicide foe anyone but for the family's
its devastating to know they died all alone ,..my son was 24 and my daughter was just 17 there where my baby's and died all alone ,....so i do know how you feel not been there at your moms bad side ,...its always something that never leaves me ,
and i dont think time heals it never did with me but i did come to realize all doe i wasn't with them at the time of there passing they were with me ,...i know my children were standing right beside me yes in spirit ,......my children where with me it was the other way around at the time i never know what i felt before i knew my children passed
but over time i did realize it was my children that feeling i got just before i was told about them i had this feeling that i to this day cant explain but i know now it was my son and daughter with me ,....they died 3 years apart from each other ,...
so you see Hun your mam was standing beside you and you think you wernt with your mom ,..can i just tell you you where with your mom because she was with you in spirit im know she was standing right next to you just after she passed ,
she is with you and your poor dad now and forever ,....
my prayers are with you and your family ,..


Helpful - 0
363281 tn?1643235611
Thanks for all your comforting comments, they DO help.

God bless you all.
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Avatar universal
I went through the same thing - beating myself up because I didn't stay overnight with my mom the night she died.  She died March 7  - I knew deep down that she would not make it through the night but I let my father talk me into leaving her anyway.   Anyway, I beat myself up for several weeks and then talked to Dad about it.  He told me that the doctor confirmed with him that evening that Mom was unconscious and could not hear us.  (She was in palliative care and on morphine.)  We do not believe that was the case earlier in the day as she did seem to try to respond to us by squeezing our hand.  Anyway, Dad told me to just stopped beating myself up because she wouldn't have known whether I was there or not.  I have felt better about it since that discussion.

You have human limitations and it surely sounds like you did everything humanly possible to be there with your mother.  I'm sure she wouldn't want you agonizing over this.  Perhaps that thought will give you comfort.
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Avatar universal
I know all too well what you are talking about, however, I was there when my mom left, then two years later when my dad left.  

Looking back ten years later, I see how depressed I was following their departures.  I was REALLY depressed and mad at God, though I didn't think it was HIS fault, but was mad because I thought he gave me more than I could handle.  I don't have any siblings, so I felt alone.

Now, several years later, after getting myself back together, I lost my only son almost 8 months ago and the grief is nothing like what I experienced with my parents.  You expect parents to die before you, but you don't expect your children to die first.

I'm stronger spiritually speaking, than I was 10 years ago, so I am in a different place in my walk with the Lord, but it is SO difficult.  I still have a daughter, though.  I can't imagine losing my ONLY child!

My heart goes out to you all.  If I look around I can see someone whose circumstances seem worse than my own.  :|



In His Love,
Praying_mom
Mother of Jordan FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



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363281 tn?1643235611
Thank you both for your lovley, comforting words, I treasure them. I feel the Lord led me to post here today, and I am sure glad I did. You all will be in my prayers.

Hugs
Susie
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Avatar universal
Hugs too you and thank you for being there when I'm falling apart late at night simply missing mom.

We have so much in common. y mom and I are both devout Christians and if it were not in my faith in God, I would have not survive the ordeal that death has given my family.  My parents were married 54 yrs. (my mother married at 18yrs old and dad was 32 yrs. old...back in the old country that was acceptable) and my father is devistated at the death of my mom.  My 10 yr. rottie Toby also died of a heart attack and I have not been able to get another dog, because I just don't have it in me to go through it all over again.

You mother does not want you suffering...she want you in peace, but it doesn't take away the void that we feel inside.

You were a dedicated, loving daughter and when she passed, she was not alone....we Christians believe that at the final hour of agony, our loved one that passed before us come and greet us, and are the guidling light and show us the way.

Rest easy....she is in God's glory as is my mom...they are doing better than we are who are having a difficult time living without them....God bless and rest easy...Judy
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Avatar universal
My mom died in 2000, she was also very sick with heart problems and other ailments. She was in a coma for 6 weeks. The doctor said that she should be taken off life support but the family had to make that decision. We took a vote and everybody expect me said to take her off. I just feft that miracles happen and somehow I could get my mother back.

Her huge extended family was at the hospital every day for the entire time. Some of us took turns sleeping in the bed next to her. The doctors said she did not know we were there, but she did. She occasionally opened her eyes and moved her arms...believe me, she knew.

One by one each of us got sick, some bug was being passed around and we were exhausted. The very night that finally no one was there with her she passed away. For what it's worth, the nurses say most dying pass away when the loved ones leave the room.

I lost my only child and my mother, the two people that I love the most. Easter Sunday was his birthday.  I don't understand it, nobody really does. I have tried to figure it all out and it can't be answered. Some things aren't for us to know... not at this time anyway. I am fortunate that I believe in God. I ask God why? everybody does. Someday we will know.

You are not alone with grief, I hope somehow this gives you some comfort. Love comes with a big price.

I can't believe how long your parents were married, what a wonderful blessing. I know what you mean about a song bringing back powerful memories. What's hard is when you see someone that looks just like your mom. And when I would see a young man that looked just like my son, it would really tear me up. I would start crying in the grocery store and have to leave. Whenever a bad storm is coming I still think about calling my mom, because she lived in a mobile home until she moved in with me and was very afriad of bad storms. Sometimes one of us would go and pick her up.  She's perfectaly safe now and not afraid. I don't have to worry about her anymore.

Abby
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