Hello ~Well, it was 4 years ago today that my beloved mother was called to go home to the Lord. Gosh, it seems just like a few weeks ago, actually. Most of my days are better now, but, there are others when the hurt is so bad I can hardly stand it.
She died around 20 minutes after midnight, I remember it so well. It was a rainy night, and her breathing was getting more and more labored, she had been in a coma for two days and her bodily functions were shutting down. I kept holding her hand. I kept hoping against hope that somehow a miracle would happen and she would wake up and things would be OK. I knew deep down, however, that that would not happened, she had so many health issues, mainly her heart and circulation, and I knew it was time, but still.........
Anyway, one thing that STILL upsets me is the fact I was not there the minute she died. I feel like a wicked person. The nurse even asked if I wanted to stay and I said I wanted to go to my motel for a little while, I was soooooo tired, plus, I was in denial and did not think the Lord would call her just yet. So, like a selfish person, I went to my room, I was not there more than an hour when the phone rang, I knew instantly what it was about, the nurse told me she had passed. I got dressed in a daze and went to the hospital, I went in her room, she looked peaceful, I gave her a kiss on the forehead and said "Well, now you know, you are with Jesus, you are no longer in pain" I left the room, pulled the door a-jar and to the nurses station. She asked if I wanted her clothes, I said to give to some needy person, I just could not take them. She gave me a hug.
Folks tell me not to feel bad about not being there those last hours, but I do. True, for the ten years she was ill, I was with her constantly, dad had to stay home with the critters and he did not do well in hospitals and since I have worked in them, etc, I was the logically one. I would stay in hosptial motels to be near her, some of the hospitals actually had nice rooms like studios to stay in when you had a loved one in the hosptial, I also stayed in the room if there was no where else to go. I was there always and would answer all the docs questions as sometimes she could not remember stuff. I am soooo glad I did, and I would do it again too.
Anyway, I went back to my motel, and in the morning, made my calls and then arrangements for her cremation and such. I know the Lord had His arm around me as I was so very calm.
I know my dad is still hurting, they were married 60 years, they had known each other since he was 14 and she was 12. Golly.
So, needless to say, these last few days have been very rough. Time heals all, but, I do not think a person ever gets over it, sure, we deal and cope, with the Lord's help, but, there is always that sadness waiting to re-surface.
Oh, and if I hear the song "At Last" one more time on that commercial, I will scream. They were playing that song on the radio lots the day she died, and every time I hear it, it drives me crazy. It was also the song they played at their wedding, but, then, it was the original one, done by Glenn Miller, which is lots prettier, in my opinion. I know when dad hears it he really gets sad. It was "their song"
To add to this sadness, our sweet dog, Su-Lin is doing very poorly, I feel the inevitable, humane thing to do is near, probably in a week. We had her 14 years, she was mothers dog, and now, dad says when she dies, he has lost all of mom. Well, this hurts me, I mean, what I am I ? Chopped liver? I guess that is why I have not had her put to sleep, I dread to think how dad will take it, though, he has recommended it quite a few times. I have to say, at times, she is OK, she walks fine and eats, but, she is not herself. Other days, she falls, her hips give out, she is like Marley, in Marley and Me. So, I am just praying over this and observing her this week.
Well, thanks for letting me talk, it helps. I know mom is happy, no more pain, and having a wonderful time, better than me for sure.