Hello there, my name is nicole , im 26 years old , i have an identical twin sister and just two months ago my mother passed away very suddenly and very unexspected, although shes been ill with an illness, it wasnt enough to kill her, she had a cardiac arrest, which blows my mind because she never had issues with the heart...(crying)........I am dealing with somuch guilt and pain that i just want to be where she is , it should of been me not her! for the longest time my mother and i always bumped heads, ive said some mean things to her but always alpologized, a month before she died we were getting along so well, and the night before she died she asked me if i wanted to go to dinner with her and i said yes, we had a fab dinner , then towards the end on the ride home , it looked like she was in a bad mood, i didnt think to think that maybe she wasnt feeling well from her meds, and so i asked her whats wrong but i kinda asked in a bitchy way and she said im not feeling well nicole, you dont understand , so we ended up into an argument were we said means things again to each other and i was screaming at her and told her that ill be happier when ur 6 feet under, and she said yea ok youll see, and thats was that the next morning i woke up i seen her , she got her tea as usual in the AM she went upstairs and then i went to my friends house, and while i was at my friends house i kept getting a phone call from my sister in hystarics telling me to come home because shes having issues with her husband.....i come home i find the ambulance,cops,investigators etc in my driveway i start screaming asking whats going on , i notice my moms car wasnt in the driveway,finally the emt guy grans me by my arms and says what medication was your mother on ,and i couldnt respond because i honestly didnt know because she took so many for her liver, (she was goin through a kemo thrapy at home ) and im looking through the windows of the abulance and notice there pumping someones chest , come to find out it was my mom , and she passed.....im dealing with somuch guilt and pain , that i just want to kill myself, also that morning when my sister was there calling me , her and my mom got into a argument and my sister eneded up trowing something at her, my mom was screaming in pain and thats when my mom called the abulance on my sister because she thought my sister was having a mental break down , by the time the secuirty and emt came my sister was gone because she thtought she would get arrested for trowing somthing at my mom, and when the came they found my mom on the couch ...dead.....does anyone have any advice???? i wanna die, i treated her like ****, my god i love her....what did i do ....i hate me , i will never forgive myself , let alone ever forgive my sister