new here new loss

[tammer76]

My husband pass away on dec.7,2007 about 4 days ago. How long will this pain last? I walk around our  apt. and just stareat our pictures, bump into walls, cry. I have an 11 year old daughter.She gets sad when I get this way. She saw her stepdad on life support. The doctor said when they recieved him he was in very bad septic shock. His kidneys were failing, he had triple phemoneuo. And he also had a major sugery 3 weeks ago and was open like a football, and had jackson packs those are drain tubes sewed on both his sides. I was so out of it the last week of his life. Like seeing things in the house, talking to people who were not here, touching stuff that was not their etc. The doctors said that he had lack of oxygen to his brain that was making him hear stuff and see stuff that wasn't there. The doctor said he was getting brain dead and it was no reverseable that there was nothing he could do??????????????Of course I fought with him on the issue and he wanted to order a dnr. I was devastated..............................How long is this grieving process going to last I feel like a zombie. Should I take down the picture would ithelp me? I have no clue. The doctor prescribe xanax but he said don't take them all the time I have't to go through the greiving process it's important?????????For how long I feel like I don't want to be living???????????????


Tammer

[Sandragene]

I have found that the daily memories and grief you have to depend on being able to talk to your religious leader, a best friend, a parent or sibling or even on a chat online with someone your age and same circumstances. I have found it easier to email friends instead of phoning. Easier for me to type my feelings. One of the best things I have found is to realize it is going to take at least one full year to "get over" this. What I mean is the first Christmas, the first Birthday, the first Anniversary, the first anything in your life has to be gotten through. Celebrate his life on those days. Maybe do what you would normally have done with a twist towards changing the tradition. On my friend's first anniversary after her husband died last year, she still came to Arizona to visit us like they always did but we had a drink and good food and a dip in the pool to toast their years of wonderful marriage. On the first Christmas she put up the tree just as they always had but she changed some of the ways she decorated, more like a feminine and modern decor instead of the old family decorations they had used for 20 years. Making little changes in schedules over time seems to help. After 2 years you will have gone thru all the "stages of grief" and will remember the birthday, date of death and anniversary but probably will find that there will be days that pass and you didn't think of him, you may feel guilt then but remember that he would not want you to stay in bed or not live in deep depression, he would want you to go about the day, work, and raise the daughter safely and fully.

[pentre]

My husband died last year, too, and the pain is as bad as ever. Everyone grieves differently. Some people need to talk; some people throw themselves into work, or family, or whatever. I just want to be alone, to walk in the gardens and parks we used to enjoy together. Plants and gardens are my only comfort - I  visit them and talk to my wonderful soulmate.

I feel guilty that kind, well-meaning friends seem to be pressuring me to meet up or to talk on the phone etc and I just want them all to go away. When the crying stopped I just lost interest in life. Jm you are right - 'normal' no longer exists but I don't want the new normal. I remember the fog of grief following his painful death - crying in the street, the supermarket, whenever anyone spoke to me. That fog does clear eventually, you do gradually stop crying in public (though I wonder if the private tears will ever stop) but what I'm left with is just emptiness. After nine months people do expect you to 'get on with your life', so I just pretend.

I lost my best friend, my love, my everything. Thank you for listening.
Pentre

[jml1986]

I must say first, I am so sorry for your loss. That being said, let me suggest to you that you talk and I mean talk alot about him to friends, family or whomever will listen. Yes, you will cry and yes it will be uncomfortable for some people to deal with, but you need to do it so that you can get through the process. You will have so many mixed feelings and all you can do is deal with things one second at a time. Let me also say that the pain will never go away, it will just become easier for you to deal with. You will never feel more alone in a crowd of people then you do right now. Also, your daughter needs to see you cry but not always for the loss, sometimes you need to let her see you cry for a happy memory of him. I must also say that don't try and get things back to normal, your normal no longer exsist so focus on starting on a new normal when you feel you are ready. I also can tell you that a nice hot shower can be your best friend when you need to really cry and don't want to do it around your family. Life is a funny thing, when you think you will not make it through another day, it just keeps on going and so do you. We are here for you if you need to talk, don't hesitate to come to us.

[Yaz104]

Hi,i can understand exactly how you feel.My husband passed away 10 months ago due to Lung cancer and moving on is very difficult.He suffered for 2years which was a difficult time for both of us.He went to the a+e and GP again and again complaining of his symptoms but to no avail.Eventually 1 year after he initially complained he was seen by a chest specialist.We went through a very tough time with all these hospital appointments.He had a Lobectomy to remove part of his lung and we thought that would be the end of it but it came back.We always felt that the doctors didn't take us seriously but to cut a long story short(otherwise i can go on for ages)he passed away in march after 17 days in hospital.When they told me that he wouldn't pull through i was devastated but i tried to stay strong for the sake of my husband because he needed me.I spent as much time as i could with him and used to stay the night there aswell to look after him as i knew the nurses wouldn't bother.I cried so much while i was in hospital that when he died i couldn't cry any more.Telling my children their dad was gone was hard.I have 3 kids.1 daughter 11,1 son 9 and 1 son 5.Amazingly my kids have taken it better than expected.I suppose it was a relief when he passed away as i knew his suffering was over.It was killing me to see him like that.He had always been so strong and now he was unable to stand on his own 2 feet.I miss him so much.Everything reminds me of him.Even though it's been 10 months i'm still stuck in my memories of the hospital.It was the worst time in my life.The only thing that keeps me sane is that this is gods will and god willing he will be in a better place.You have to keep going for your kids.If you ever want to talk  i'll be here.

[suzi-q]

Your wounds are still new...your feelings are raw.  You need time...lots of time.  The doctor doesn't want you to mask your feelings with popping xanax, so only take when you truly feel you can't take it.  For example, if you can't sleep, take one before bed...you need your rest to get through this.  You need to take your time to go through the process.  First there is denial...(this couldn't have happened)..then anger (I am as mad as hell! at everyone and everything and maybe even the person who died)...then bargaining (If I do this, maybe he will come back)...then depression (deep aching saddness),,then acceptance...it can take a few weeks to months to years to get through the process.  Only you can determine how long it will take.  You have to work through the steps.  You can spiral up and and down the steps until you finally reach acceptance.  But remember, you can not go AROUND the steps you have to go THROUGH them...But you need to WORK through them.  It is very easy to get stuck at a step and not move anywhere.  I suggest grief counseling.  When my parents passed away, it helped me tremedously to work through the loss.  It is also easier when there is someone else there who truly knows the pain you feel right now.  May God grant you peace.

[SatinRed]

hey there, sorry to hear the bad news.... and i can tell you are still sad about it. the sadness/pain is going to last a long time to completely recover. it's diff in everyone and everyone deals with losses differently.  since he was your husband, it will take longer.  there will be a while where anything or everything that you run across will remind you of him and it can trigger an emotional response.  the grieving process is natural and everything goes through it differently and in different order.  To understand it will help you be more self aware and understand the grieving process. i think the more you think about wanting to get rid of this feeling the more it is hard for you so try to cope with it rather than get rid of the feeling.  obviously it is affected your daily life so thats why you were prescribed xanax right? again im terribly sorry, hope you hang in there!