Dealing with death of brother, having trouble helping parents

[mikaleen]

Hi all,
My little brother died Aug 9 of last year, after a month long hospital stay.  He had spina bifida and had a hard life, but he lived it as well as he could, helping may other disabled people in the process.  He was 24 when he passed.  I am coping ok, I have my good days and bad days, but my divorced parents are both having a terrible time and I don't know how to help them.  My mom was my age when my uncle died, so she can understand me from that side, but I have a 4 year old daughter, and I can't even begin to imagine how I would feel or continue living if anything ever happened to her.  Mom is on antidepressants (was before this happened) but it seems like they are not helping, she goes 3 or 4 days without sleeping, she doesn't get dressed, she tries to make plans to come see me and her granddaughter, but always cancels and doesn't answer her phone when I try to call to go over there.  I know time helps, but what can I do to help her?  I try talking to her and offering whatever help she needs, cooking, cleaning, shopping, but she always says no.
My father doesn't do anything except work...he hasn't spoken to his fiance in weeks, even though she lost her oldest son, and understands his grief.  He lies to me about what he is doing for a week when he disappears and I can't reach him...I had to have my husband drive to his house at lunch because I was worried he had hurt himself when it seemed like he was making his stories so that no one went looking for him for a while...thank goodness he was ok...

I'm sorry this is so long, I guess I had a little more venting and worry than I realized.  It's just hard going through the grieving process about Eric, and at the same time worrying that one or both of my parents are going to leave me behind also, because they don't know how, or don't want to keep living.  How can I help them, keep my sanity and grieve my own loss as well?

[mikaleen]

I am so sorry star to hear of the loss of 2 of your children.  I am glad you have a wonderful daughter to support you through your grief.  From the daughter side...I'm sure your daughter doesn't feel you love her any less, I know I don't feel that.  If she feels like me, she is making her own way through a traumatic loss as well, and she probably wishes there is much more she could do for you.  I know my parents love me the same, but I know that it's hard for them to show that without feeling guilt for the child they lost.  Luckily my mom seems to be coming out of the fog, and she is beginning to take some joy in life again.  I hope she doesn't feel guilt from that, because i know Eric would want her to be happy.  Unfortunatley my father seems to be doing worse, and I hope he will take my advice and seek out a support group.  He did thawhen his father died, and it seemed to help him a lot.  I hope you are doing well coping, and don't feel guilt about your daughter.  She is probably much more concerned about helping you through your grief and being there for you, than thinking about how much you love her.  She knows you do very much.  Take care.

[star641]

hi mikaleen ,......im the mom of two children that took there lives ,.
my son 24 ,and my daughter 17 years old ,......i know just what your mom and dad are going through ,i wish i didn't but i do ,.....life will never be the same for them for to
lose a child is to lose part of yourself ,......i do know hun your mom and dad love you very much dont ever think they dont ,i just thought i would put that in for you ,.....sometimes i often think my daughter thinks i dont love her in the way i loved her brother and sister but i do ,.im so proud of her in all shes been through ,
but something like losing a child is devastating ,i have lost two of my children and half
of me is gone yes gone ,..i feel like im half a person now it doesn't get any easier ,...my advice is to give them lots of space ,...they will need lots of space to think ,.....just keep in touch with them when you can ,.dont worry about them that wont do you any good ,..if you need help please get it ,it cant do you any harm either ,.and can i just say to you your mom and dad will grieve in different ways ,...as ive said just be there for them ,
and if they need to talk they will ,and the best thing you can do for them is to just Liston ,take care of yourself all my love star,.[hugs]]]]]]]]]

[mikaleen]

Thank you.  I know that my mom feels the same way you do...guilty when she is able to do something she would not have otherwise been able to do.  My father feels guilty I think because he wasn't around so much, and my brother had moved in with him 1 month before he was hospitalized...he never even got to unpack.  My mom said the other day she woke up around 4 am and saw red flashing lights outside...her first thought was "$hit, Eric called the ambulance again"  then she remembered where she was and that he wasn't there anymore...he used to call the ambulance on a weekly basis for different issues.  I don't want them to feel guilty because I know my brother always wanted them to be able to do more, and he felt bad that there were some things they didn't have a chance to do.  I know he would want them both to enjoy themselves now, especially as they are getting older.
I am so sorry to hear about your son.  I don't know the feling of losing a child, and I hope I never do, because I see the suffering and struggling my parents are trying to deal with every day.  And I truly believe like you that for them it will never be ok, and I feel terrible that I have to watch them go through this.  I am sorry you only had 18 years with your son, and I am sorry for your other children who have lost a sibling.  You and your family will also be in my thoughts.  Thank you again.

[alwaysbelieve]

I lost my disabled son a little over 3 years ago. One of the biggest things I struggle with (and I know it sounds stupid) is that I haven't been able to talk to anyone who really understands the feeling of losing a child who never didn't need me. My world revolved around my son even though I have 4 other children...they just didn't need me like Adam did. When a 'normal' child develops and grows, we parents let go just a little every day. When your child doesn't grow/develop normally, we can't. I lost an 18 year old infant. My first waking thought every day is "I need to check on Adam. He needs his diaper changed and medicine" My next thought is "$hit...he's not here" If it isn't followed by "Ugh, I have to go to work" I stay in bed mostly. So I can relate to your dad working so much.
So far, I have not found the 'time heals' to be effective. We have to re-discover who we are without our child. Feeling happy = feeling guilty for me. Moving forward and doing those things I could not do when Adam was here = guilt.
I have found acceptance and acknowledgement are two different things. I can acknowledge Adam is no longer here, but to accept it means it's okay that he's gone. I cannot accept it. It is not now, nor ever will be okay.
Best advice I can give you: recognize your parents will hurt, most likely for the rest of their lives...do not treat them like glass, let them feel and grieve...help them remember and re-discover as best as you can...  

I will be thinking of you and your family and hoping you can find some comfort

[Beachwalker33]

All you can do is work on your own grieving,you can listen be supportive,maybe give books on how to grieve,Roses in December is a great one for someone who has lost a child.Everyone grieves in there own way.My Mom passed in August at 50,I'm 33 and am having such a hard time,having panic attacks,severe weight loss,I find I'm happiest when I write letters to my Mom,God,just thoughts.Its the hardest thing,losing a parent or a child.I've heard give it a year.The first holidays without him will be the hardest.I have great faith in God,admit I'm a bit mad at God for taking my Mom,we were so close,I was her caregiver and try not to think its something I did or didn't do to save her.Its hard to go on everyday without her,but I have a 5-year-old and must get over this.My prayers are with you and your family.Reaching out and your just listening to them is all you can do.I'm so sorry,losses are horrible,emotionally crippling at times.It has to get better with prayer,right! God Bless,Jen

[mikaleen]

Thank you Judy.  Unfortunately my mother does not find comfort in religion, I know it might help her a little more if she did.  I am sorry for your loss of your mother.  I have not felt that sorrow, but I was deeply affected by the loss of my grandmother.  I live everyday thinking about her and my brother watching me.  Sometimes I can believe that they are somewhere and that they know what is going on in my life, and they are not missing anything.  Those are the easiest days.  I am glad you and your father have each other to turn to, but I do understand how it feels to be constantly concerned about a living relative, and knowing that we have such a short time to enjoy each other.  

[Judy246]

My deepest condolences on the sudden passing of your brother. I'm having a very difficult time accepting the death of my mother. I'm lost without her and the entire experience has been surreal for the entire family. I have my 84 yr. old father who is devistated at the death of my mother.  They were married 54 yrs and he suffered a heart attacke 5 yrs. ago.  I'm worried, because I know I will go thru this all over again and I'm worried about his heart.  There is no way around this one. Death is raw and brutal.  I don't know if your family is Christian, but if yes, talk with your pastor and possibly have  him come and speak with her.  He will uplift her sorrowful spirit and give her hope for the future. Give your parents time. The loss of their child (regardless of age) is very traumatic, because a parent shouldn't have to bury their child.  They will talk when they are ready and that's ok too.  It will be necessary to experience the stages of the grief process and at times they feel unbearable, but with time, the family will adjust (never forget) and will be able to have wonderful fond memories and his love is eternal, not even death can ever seperate your love for each other.  Until you meet again....Judy

[mikaleen]

I'm sorry about your brother also.  It feels surreal doesn't it?  My biggest fear is that I won't be able to do enough for them.  I can't imagine not knowing what caused my brother's death..it must be even harder to come to terms with it, I'm sorry you have to try to grieve not knowing.  My brother was sick for a while, and he ended up with a terrible infection from being on a ventilator, we knew the morning he died that was the day, and we all made it there in time, it was like he waited.
Sometimes I think it would be easier if my parents were still together, because they would be able to support each other as well, instead of just having me.  
Take care of yourself and your family, I know how hard it can be sometimes.  Thank you for your response.

[jenmom]

I'm sorry about your brother. I recently lost my little brother as well. My parents are still together, but I don't really know what to say to them either. It sounds like you're doing everything you can for them already. I have tried to talk to my parents about seeking grief counceling but they said they're just not ready. I think it takes a lot of time. Do seek out help for yourself though. And don't feel guilty if you start to move through the grief process and they are still stuck. Like you said, I couldn't imagine my little guy being gone either, I live for him. If you are religious? try praying for them and let them know you are praying for them. Just keep being there for them and hopefully in time they will begin to heal. My heart goes out to you. Hang in there.