Grief and Loss Community
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412194 tn?1233625132

Death of two loved ones

I actually don't know where to begin.  I have been reading this forum for a while.  I guess you look for others with similar circumstances, and in the end we all have similar circumstnces.  I lost my husband 2 and a half years ago and my daughter just a short month and a half after him.  she passed away the week of hurricane rita and was to be buried on my birthday sept 22 BUT they gave the mandatory evacuation orders before she could be buried.  It took them almost 2 months to get her buried on Oct 29th,05 the day after her Dad's birthday.  This is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through in my life.  I don't know if the grieving process ever ends.  I was angry at God, that has subsided somewhat.  I was looking for answers to the "why" but I never got any answers.  I was married since I was 17 and might say I grew up with my kids.  I know you have to try and be prepared to lose a mom,dad,sibling, I have lost all of those, Mom, Dad, and brother, but nothing could prepare me for the loss of my daughter, she lived with us.  She was still so young and had so much life to live.  I felt so all alone in the world.  Yes my life has moved on, not with much help from me.  I just wanted to join them for the first 2 years.  I have had a couple of relationships and it is hard for anyone else to empathize with your pain and loss especially of so much in such a short time.  Its like they all think you should be over it and be happy go lucky and never down or depressed.  It is hard to hold back the tears so others can think OK she is ok now we can go on it's about time.  BUT I will never be over it.  I am trying to learn to cope with their passing, but even that isnt easy.  I also am a member of the addiction forum here.  I have chroniic back pain, and the meds I took became my escape, to blissful sleep, so I didnt have to think or to dream.  It almost took my life too.  one month ago I decided that I needed help, I didnt want to go on like I was, it was a miserable existance.  I had decided to end all of the pain.  BUT, I guess God wasnt ready for me yet.  Here I am posting trying to make sense of my life.  I am drug free now, I got off all medications after that night, and went through hell getting past withdrawals, I still have to fight everyday to not want back on meds.  I dont know if any of you have gone through this but I wont know until I post it.  I am working on moving on with my life and I have a wonderful guy who loves me but there are days I just wish to be alone.  Is this normal?  I'm not getting any younger and don't want to wind up alone in life, I don't think I could handle that.  I try taking one day at a time for now.  Thanks for letting me ramble.  There is more but this is long enough for everyone to grasp right now.  Thanks for reading.
7 Responses
165308 tn?1323190145
Thank you for sharing your story.  No one knows until they go through it...and yet, it is still all very different.  You have been through a lot and have a lot of healing to do.  Have you tried grief counseling?  Especially for losing a child?  That must be the hardest of all and I commend you for trying and wanting to finally move on.  If I get any "insights" I will post, but I will be following your posts.  It can be very cathartic to get it all off your chest and say it in a "safe place" where no one will judge you.  Stay strong.
412194 tn?1233625132
thanks and yes it can be very healing to let it all out.  I think you can click my name and read most of my story.  How I got this far was by posting on the forum.  I am far from past it and like I said the significant others in your life don't understand why you can't just move on past it.  I have lost more in 2 and a half years than most lose in a lifetime, that includes my home we had no insurance when he passed away.  I did go for councelling right after burying my daughter, but it was an community thing fema sent me to MHMR after I told them what I was there for and the whole story, the councellor said I feel for you but unfortunately you do not qualify for assistance, I said I don't understand.  He said I had not been bereaved long enough hahahaha OMG  I looked at him and said that is what I thought you would say but WHAT says when you have been bereaved long enough after the death of my husband and daughter in such a short time?  I also said in my grief stricken mind that I could go jump from a bridge and he would say the next day he wished he would have worked harder to get me qualification, and said YOU KNOW I am not going to give you the satifaction, I am going to make it dispite you!  Yes I am still angry somewhat, but I am trying to work through my anger one step at a time.  Thanks for being kind and caring.
165308 tn?1323190145
That is totally unbelievable!  After all you went through you weren't qualified?  What would qualified be??????  It is a shame that he didn't at least point you in another direction where you could get help.  Shame on him!

I can totally understand your anger and it is great that you can forgive and move on.  That takes a lot of strength.  

I am definitely here to listen and also learn from people who have been knocked down but find the will to get up again.  It is truly magnificent.

I lost both my parents 4 months a part about 7 years ago.  I was totally lost.  My sister and I both still lived home at the time with them when they were taken away.  My sister and I are both married now and I have an adopted daugther who is 2 1/2 years old.  My sister and I ask each other often, "how did we make it through?"  It is such a blur...however, I know that I had a great support system and I hope that you have one too.
332074 tn?1229564125
What tragic loses you have been through. Mostly I feel sorry for you not because of the loses, but the fact that you appear to be only living for the one days that you lost your husband and daughter. Yes, those were the worst days of your life, but try not to focus only on the days of their deaths, but rather on how they lived. I find it very helpfilly to get up every morning and tell myself is is not to be a great day.
397460 tn?1268537336
Hi there. Im so sorry to hear you are in such pain. I have had a lot of loss too in my life.Its a long story but I can in identify with you in part.The two hardest things for me were losing my brother and my daughters partner. There were nine yrs between them dying but it made my brothers death like it had just happened again. Take hope tho from me.Life DID become good again just in a different fashion.Grief changes you and you will find out in time who the new you is.It will be alright, never the same,a piece missing,but some days will even be good, I promise.One of the ways that I found helped was to give myself a "reason" for each new day.Nothing too big or drastic, just a something to be done before bed time.It will make you feel a step further. Some days you wont be able,dont worry,just do it the next day. It was the same for crying and being down. I would never allow mtself two bad days in a row. It could be every other day, but not together. As you go along you find the days getting a bit better. Im not sure of your faith but I do believe we will all meet again. There is too much love for them to be gone forever. When Im down I think "its only for a small while" It gives me courage for another day. Iwill be thinking of you and send you some streghth. cath278
Avatar universal
Hello there.  I lost a very dear man who was like a father to me about six months ago and even when I knew that he was sick and that he would probably die, it was hard to see him die.  Time has helped overcome his death and I know that someday we will all meet and have a good time as in the old days.  It's hard and nothing prepares you for something like that, but taking a day at a time helps a lot.

Also, a close friend of mine lost his wife and his 23-year-old daughter in less than 3 months.  He was devasted, especially with the loss of his daughter and he has had some rough times.  He has passed from grieving to being angry at what has been taken away from him, but he has kept believing that there is a reason for things to happen.  He is still struggling and he still has a lot of healing to do, but talking about what one has gone through and accepting that no matter what, you are still alive and there are other loved ones whom you can count on, helps you too.  A brighter day is on its way, and many more yet to come.  I hope this helps you and stay strong.  Neta100
412194 tn?1233625132
Thanks all for you support, it's good to hear from people with similat situations.  This week is particularly hard for me it's Easter and I am used to having my family with me.  It's really hard to start a new life at this stage but I am trying.  I guess you just learn to accept tha they are gone and try to cope the best you can.  My husband was in a lot of pain over and I am coping with that, much better than with the death of my daughter.  I understand what your friend is feeling Neta,  I think it is a natural reaction to be angry alot especially when you lose too back to backI went through the anger I was mad at God particularly because he wouldnt tell me why he took them both.  BUT I have made my peace with him also and know he didnt take them they were ready to make that journey and was brought on by what they had done to their lives. I suppose this is the acceptance part.  Now I just have to learn to cope with moving on with my life without them, because they arent coming back.  Tell your friend he needs to come read the forum, it helps to know others like us.  
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