So i'm now 17 years old. When I was 15, I lost my mom to breast cancer. She had been fighting for about two years and at first she was seemingly progressing, but suddenly started having bad reactions to her chemotherapy and everything went downhill from there. I literally had to watch my hero and my best friend die, and I can't begin to explain the agony of it all. Two months prior, I happened to lose two of my best friends to a head-on collision. Since then, it just seems as if the thought of death follows me. I feel like things are getting much worse as time goes on. Since I first lost my mom, things have been anything but simple. I really just didn't even know how to live without her; she was absolutely everything to me. I had lived with only her from the time she got diagnosed until the day that she died. My older sister had moved out of the house, and my dad walked out on us when I was a bit younger. After she died, I had to move in with my grandmother, who really doesn't do enough to take care of me. I feel as if I have no security blanket, I have no one to push me or tell me what I should be doing. And i need that more than anything. As much as I want to change my behavior, I can't. I get so angry sometimes that it physically makes me feel ill. I know I have potential to do very well in school, and I have before, but I have absolutely no motivation. Its become hard to sit down and get things done on my own because I just can't seem to find any willpower. I love to do art, I love to write, and I love to do marching band. But I can't take time out for myself to do any of it. Ever.
Not only do I have these internal struggles, but they severely affect my relationships with other people. I find that it's very hard for me to keep and maintain the friends i make simply because its hard for me to show effort. I want affection, care and company so much from other people, and I sincerely want to care for people too, but I can't find the willpower to do that either. If something is not flowing with someone, if theres a slight problem, I won't even try very hard to fix it. I just don't have anyone my age who really understands what i've gone through and continue to go through, and it's hard for me to express when I don't even really know what's going through my head. I have a boyfriend, who is very wonderful to me and I know he is an amazing guy. He's definitely one of my best friends, and I have noticed so much improvement from the time I had met him, but even things with him have started to go south. I tend to break down every once in awhile because everything is bottled up, and I know he doesn't know how to react to it. He's usually just there to listen and doesn't know what to say.
I just feel like a lost cause. Everyone around me is focusing on what colleges they want to apply to, when they're getting their license, the newest gossip of their friend group. I can't even bring myself to care about any of that. Two of my friends died at 16 and 17 years old. Sometimes its hard for me to even think about what tomorrow will be like, because who knows if i'm even going to see it? The thought of death is always with me. And i can't shake it.
I assume I probably need professional help just because my head is so jumbled up. I just can't seem to find my way. I even go to a grief group for teens who have lost a parent or friend, and I feel left out there, too.
Sorry this was so long. There's so much that I left out, too.
I'm just not sure where to go from here. I want to accomplish so much and make my mom proud but i'm afraid I won't amount to anything on my own. I have good intentions, but I can't follow through with them.