Avatar universal

Grief of losing my mother is overbearing

So i'm now 17 years old. When I was 15, I lost my mom to breast cancer. She had been fighting for about two years and at first she was seemingly progressing, but suddenly started having bad reactions to her chemotherapy and everything went downhill from there. I literally had to watch my hero and my best friend die, and I can't begin to explain the agony of it all. Two months prior, I happened to lose two of my best friends to a head-on collision. Since then, it just seems as if the thought of death follows me. I feel like things are getting much worse as time goes on. Since I first lost my mom, things have been anything but simple. I really just didn't even know how to live without her; she was absolutely everything to me. I had lived with only her from the time she got diagnosed until the day that she died. My older sister had moved out of the house, and my dad walked out on us when I was a bit younger. After she died, I had to move in with my grandmother, who really doesn't do enough to take care of me. I feel as if I have no security blanket, I have no one to push me or tell me what I should be doing. And i need that more than anything. As much as I want to change my behavior, I can't. I get so angry sometimes that it physically makes me feel ill. I know I have potential to do very well in school, and I have before, but I have absolutely no motivation. Its become hard to sit down and get things done on my own because I just can't seem to find any willpower. I love to do art, I love to write, and I love to do marching band. But I can't take time out for myself to do any of it. Ever.
   Not only do I have these internal struggles, but they severely affect my relationships with other people. I find that it's very hard for me to keep and maintain the friends i make simply because its hard for me to show effort. I want affection, care and company so much from other people, and I sincerely want to care for people too, but I can't find the willpower to do that either. If something is not flowing with someone, if theres a slight problem, I won't even try very hard to fix it. I just don't have anyone my age who really understands what i've gone through and continue to go through, and it's hard for me to express when I don't even really know what's going through my head. I have a boyfriend, who is very wonderful to me and I know he is an amazing guy. He's definitely one of my best friends, and I have noticed so much improvement from the time I had met him, but even things with him have started to go south. I tend to break down every once in awhile because everything is bottled up, and I know he doesn't know how to react to it. He's usually just there to listen and doesn't know what to say.

I just feel like a lost cause. Everyone around me is focusing on what colleges they want to apply to, when they're getting their license, the newest gossip of their friend group. I can't even bring myself to care about any of that. Two of my friends died at 16 and 17 years old. Sometimes its hard for me to even think about what tomorrow will be like, because who knows if i'm even going to see it? The thought of death is always with me. And i can't shake it.

I assume I probably need professional help just because my head is so jumbled up. I just can't seem to find my way. I even go to a grief group for teens who have lost a parent or friend, and I feel left out there, too.

Sorry this was so long. There's so much that I left out, too.
I'm just not sure where to go from here. I want to accomplish so much and make my mom proud but i'm afraid I won't amount to anything on my own. I have good intentions, but I can't follow through with them.
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Avatar universal
Hey buddy, sorry to hear about your mom.
I think I can help put perspective back to you. It'll be long winded but it's worth reading because its from my life.
I envy you for having such a wonderful mom. I would have done anything for a decent, if not a half caring mom.
My mom that started when I was age 5.
Here's my childhood nightmare.  She would never provide simple food to eat, never go to the store to buy food, no quick foods like cereal,  toast etc. We weren't provided clean clothing, clean beds, nothing.
We also never received hugs and kisses, praise for good grades, not even a simple conversation that I nor my siblings can recall.  I've never been cuddled, never had a special birthday dinner.
one day I had a very severe asthma attack, I came to my mother and begged to goto the hospital.  Here's her exact reply as I lay face down on the floor near death. "Just pray to God to fix it"...
My sister and I at age 7&5 washed our own laundry in the bath tub, walked to the grocery store to purchase our own food, not cereal type stuff either,  top ramen, frozen burger patties, Mac n cheese.
We learned how to cook for ourselves.  We also walked down to school to register ourselves because she never did.
My morality in life was to NEVER EVER be like that to my own children.  Yep I had to learn that too..

So in your mothers honor, make her very proud of what you Will become after she's gone. She doesn't want you to be sad. You should feel very powerful of what she gave you...all of herself.  That's the best gift life has to offer any person is an outstanding mother who showed you the way through life. Now it Your turn to show your mom how important she really is to you by busting your butt and making progress in your life. "Easier said than done".
I'm positive your mom sees you doing better than you are. Its time to move forward and show your momma that you can do it. Because she already showed you how.

I'm speaking to you as if you were my own son. Speaking from my heart.
Go make your momma proud. She's watching from above and is rooting for you to succeed.

Thankfully you didn't get my mom... I didn't shed one tear when I was notified of her death....just remember somebody always had it worse than you..

Here's more fatherly advice.  Don't ever give up... things might Really suck in the "here and now"... but next week could be the beginning of the start of something phenomenal!!!!!! ..
Helpful - 0
363281 tn?1590104173
My heart goes out to you.

My dear mother died in 2005, I admit that I STILL cry over her death, it is so hard, we were best friends, so, believe me, I can relate.

I understand the feelings of wanting love, affection, comfort, etc. I know how hard it is to reach out when you can hardly raise your head off the pillow. Honestly, though, sometimes you just have to force yourself to do so, I noticed that if I help others, I am helped as well. Maybe you could join an on-line group. I am a member of a Christian forum, it is a lot of help.

I know you want your mother to be proud of you, well, do your best at all you do in life, that will make her happy. Help others, make it a goal to do one really good thing for as person at least once a week, such as volunteering at the hospital, working with children if your church has a nursery, helping others during the Christmas season, etc.

I hope this helps. You are welcome to PM me if you want to talk.

God bless you.

VooDoo, I am so sorry for your sad child-hood.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I can't help but she's tears writing to you now, not only my sorrow for you but how well Inunderstand the pain you are going through. I am 25 years old and lost my father when I was 15, he was never in my life. My mother was diagnosed with stage four lung cancer that had metastasized to her brain into multiple tumors.

The Oncologists predicted her life expectancy to 6 months to a year, and that was a year and two months ago. We were informed a few days ago that her lung spot is growing and the Maintenance chemo stopped working and will not anymore. She has never shed a tear regarding her condition up until that day.

My mom is my best friend, my guidance and inspiration to my purpose, MY EVERYTHING, I already can't see in color, my food is bland, and I can't hold it together without crying on a drop of a dime. I have no idea what I'm going to do. I am scared. I grew up at a very young age and was pretty much out on my own at 16 years old. I have had a job ever since and kept going.

My advice to you is: Pray for guidance, God has a plan, just trust him it will be ok I promise. Keep busy...Do what you love, forced yourself to do things even though you physically do not have the energy, it will slowly come back. Distraction is the best tool for grieving. Hang in there, I know that no matter what anyone says to you it will not fix things or make you feel better even but you are not alone in your struggles. When someone says your situation is worse than yours don't listen because everyone views there situation differently. Stay strong and move forward. By the way-Suffering is always optional-Make a choice :)
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