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Avatar universal

How do I rejoin the world?

It's been more than a month since my world was shattered into a million miniscule pieces... more than a month since the centre of my universe was violently and suddenly, yet peacefully and expectedly, taken away from me. I feel numb and yet feel a thousand emotions at the same time. I feel sad, melancholy, angry and scared all day. I feel like my life has no meaning, like none of our lives have a meaning...if the most loving, generous, caring, kind, wonderful, impactful person I have ever known no longer exists, just like that, and the world goes on as normal, then what is the point of any of us being any of those things? I dream of my mom and I awake feeling desperately sad and alone, wishing that I too could be dead, either to be where she is or to cease to exist so that I don't have to feel this way any longer. I want to sleep forever so that I can see her in my dreams, hug her, talk to her, laugh with her. It's unfair that she's gone, at the age of 48, when there are so many people who really don't want to be here anymore. It's unfair that I had an amazing mom, who lived for her family and loved like no other, and now she's gone and somehow the three of us that remain have to go on. I want to go on to escape this misery, but will escaping this misery mean I'm leaving her behind...forgetting her? Why would God or whoever is in charge give us this amazing being, only to take her away and cause us so much pain? How do I rejoin the world when my world is gone? I don't see colours anymore...all I see is grey and I don't know how to face another day...
3 Responses
684030 tn?1415612323
I'm so sorry for your loss.

My 84 year old mother died almost 3 months ago; so, I can relate... especially, to the feelings of anger. And, although my mom's death was expected; there was nothing peaceful about it!

For me, the feelings of loss, disappointment and anger seem to run in waves. I have good days... and, not-so-good days. And, then there's the deep seeded feelings of "guilt" as I was her caregiver for the last 7 years of her life. She died in my arms... and, the image of her looking into my eyes and taking her final breath will remain with me until it's my turn to go.

And, while my belief in God hasn't changed... "I really thought that it would." My struggle is in the belief in the existence of a "fair" and "just" God because I feel that what my mom went through was so unfair and, so wrong. In many ways, I feel that she was "cheated."

Anyhow, to help me through this painful process... because, that's what grieving is, "a process" ...I've started reading books on the topic of bereavement. And, there's one book in particular that seems to be helping me reconcile these negative feelings. It's "A Grief Observed," by C.S. Lewis. It's written from a Christian perspective; but, it's not at all preachy.

It's giving me a much needed perspective in understanding life & loss. Perhaps, it could help you.





Avatar universal
I lost my mom Oct 12 and have so many feelings of anger, depression, bitterness, and just cannot seem to wrap my mind around how to get through life without my mother.  I have had so much loss in my life so no matter what anyone tells me I know nothing people tell me to try to comfort me....it just will not work.  I lost my Dad when I was 12yrs old, I have lost two sisters one to a car accident, one to breast cancer and one brother to colon cancer.  If one would hear my story you would think that I am asking for a pitty party of one...but it is all real and I live it everyday,  I was the youngest five kids and now I just have one sister left.  I feel so alone in this big scary world and when my mom passed I just wished so desperately that I would be able to just fall asleep and be with her.  I question my faith everyday as I just don't understand how somene who was the most gentle, loving and caring person I have ever met would be taken from this world.  I have become so bitter and angry when I see these people that are still walking this earth and are so evil and heartless but yet they go on.  I hear stories from so many friends who tell me these horrible relationships they have with their parents and I just ask myself why my MOM why her.   I don't feel guilt for not having a bad relationshp with my mom because our relationship was the best ever.  Everything my sister and I did involved her in some form.  I don't know if that what makes this so much harder to get through is that I was so close to her and did so much for her....that I don't know what to do now that she is gone.  There are so many days that it takes everything in me to get out of bed or my house.  I don't want to go my doctor and give him all of the details that I am feeling because I dont want to be on meds again.....I was on them for a short time about three years ago when I lost my  brother in 09' and I just dont want that again.  It was so hard when I lost my brother it was so fast he was diagnosed in May 2009 and gone by July 2009.  I cannot say I was over or had dealt with his passing because there were still so many days and nights before my mom passing that I still was so sad and angry for my brother not being here....and now I have to deal with my mom being gone, I just dont know how to get through each day.   My moms death was sudden we knew she had several health condts and was 79 at the time of her death but it still just makes no sense to me and I hate that I see these people all around that should just be off the face of this earth.
Avatar universal
wow..im so so sorry for your loss..48 Is far too young..im not far off that now myself..i have a 19 and a new born baby.......I cant imagine what your going through....if  ye wana talk..im here...
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