I miss her so much..

[Tanya's Mom]

Some days it feels as though the loss of my Daughter is just a bad dream and I know I will soon wake up!  I know it's not a dream but I miss her so much I don't know how life can just go on as if nothing happened.  How does one deal with such a loss?

[here4theinfo]

Its weird, the signs that we see. I should have known with my son too.For one, my hubby and I cant even remember when we could have possibly conceived him. My youngest daughter used to lay on my stomach and pat it before we even knew we were pregnant. I mistanly went to a web site that had pictures of babies that had passed away, the stories so heartbreaking, I begged God to not allow this to happen to us. I had told my friend that i was excited to have my baby, but that i was worried about getting through the year without SIDS striking.I was going through alot of medical problems, he dropped at 27 weeks and 1 month later my cervix started to open, then my placenta ripped at exactly 3 days shy of 37 weeks. He was supposed to come via c setion 5 days later than this. He was born at 1:26 pm and he was completly healthy,strong, and ready to meet us.Everything was so perfect with him, he was such a calm baby, never cried, cuddly,my kids just adored him. But I had signs, when I would lay him down, he would look out the window, I would joke that he was looking at the angels (all my kids said they saw angels in the sky when they learned how to talk), a week before he grew his wings, he looked at our family pictures with such an inteligent gaze, like he was sucking it all in. My 6 year old took some pictures of us in bed one day, when I downloaded them, I tripped out because the way he laid on his blue blankie, looked like he had wings in the picture. Every single pic that we took that morning had the same appearance. I couldnt get over how similar he looked to a little cherub. That last week, I looked into his eyes and I could see his soul, it was so weird I told my hubby that I had seen it. I was in disbelief because he was so young, I had never seen such deep gaze from a baby so young. My hubby had seen his life the night we held him last, he said he was looking in the mirror with Jaiden and he saw him age. He saw how strong he was going to be, what he looked like. My hubby said it scared him alittle. Jaiden began smiling at us and taking in everthing before he passed. The night we laid him down, he was so comfortable. God, we miss him so much!! I can feel him everywhere and my daughter dreams about him, we have stars that we pray on, my youngests first word was "angel" and she pointed to the star when she said it.(she was 1 3/4 old, and we didnt explain the star thing to her, just to the older kids) As I am writing this, she is walking around looking at the ceilng and saying "angel" mama angel! Im not sure if he was meant to be, but whaever it was, God allowed us to be blessed with his life, long enough to teach us that we truly have alot of love to give, and we are so lucky to have what we have.
Your daughter sounds beautiful, she is with her baby in Heaven too. They will be there waiting for you. I am so sorry for your loses, your heart must be like mine, missing pieces. Rainbows are a beautiful way to have a memory, they say some people know when its there time, your daughter was one of the lucky ones. I know that I dont understand why God took my baby, you probaly dont either. But my husband tells me that it is beyond our understanding and that when we go to heaven, that is when we will know. I pray to God to help me to understand why. I know I will get my answer, but I have to have patience.Do you have other kids? Its comforting to think that maybe, something painful would have happend to my baby when he was older and that God saved him from that pain. I picture him just like the pictures my daughter took that day, sleeping with blue angel wings in Gods arms. Maybe he is supposed to watch over my other kids to save them from something tradgic, I dont know, I just miss him sooooo.

[Tanya's Mom]

I'm very new at this, not exactly sure what to say.  I'm sorry for your loss as well.  It's been almost three years since we've lost our Tanya.  We keep pictures up of her as we do our other Children.  As we replace pictures with updated ones, of course, Tanyas stays the same.  I  wonder what she would look like, what she would be doing.  You are right when you say take it one day at time!  I would like to share something with you, I hope you don't mind.  My Daughter was 22 years old when God took her from us.  Christmas day she gave birth to her Son Gavin, God chose to take him as well.  Two days later Tanya left us.  But before she left us she told me she saw rainbows.  This may sound strange to some but this is what happened, I know this with all my heart and being.  Christmas Eve after opening gifts Tanya was pretty wore out and she said to me, "Mommy, somethings wrong, I see rainbows".  We went to the hospital and found out she had lost the baby.  She was in Liver failure, actually pretty much her body was shutting down so they had to induce labor.  She gave birth on Christmas morning.  My now Husband was with me and my Daughter.  As I set along side her bed i looked over and on a small dresser beside her bed was a picture of a rainbow.  This is #1.  Two days later at home Tanya went with God.  The morning of her Funeral I was the last one to enter the Church.  My dear Daughter was right inside the doors.  I was taken into a small room off to the side.  The entire wall was a murial of a rainbow.  This was #2.  I was off work for a about two weeks, my first day back was unbearable.  On my way home as I look up into the sky there was #3.  That's right, a rainbow came trickleing out of the clouds.  Since then many times when I needed her the most, somehow, someway, I get a rainbow.  Just a few weeks ago, I was missing her more than I could bare.  I was at home setting in the livingroom, as I walked out into our diningroom on my ceiling were two rainbows. Beautiful rainbows from my dear wonderful Daughter!  I know this is true in my heart!  I know she is not here, I can not touch her or hold her,but in my heart I know she will always be with us, always in our hearts and soles!  

[here4theinfo]

Day by day, is how we deal with our loss.Our son grew his wings in June, we miss him so much. Something happend, a child was in your hearts, and lost. Its a pain that only a parent knows. My family is still slowly getting over what happend. But every day I struggle, I miss my baby, I carried him, nursed him, loved him, but I couldnt save him..We pray every night for our Jaiden, I keep his pictures up, I sleep with a set of clothes, we hold him very close to our hearts. My other kids see a counselor at school, my husband and I have appointments coming up, but the pain will never recede for me, it is like a nightmare we wish we could do over, get a second chance, but it brings tremendous comfort thinking that all these babies that God takes from us our His special Angels..We are left with memories, a soft heart, and a fleeting vision of our children in the gracies of Gods Arms..I am so sorry for your loss, its never fair, but now I know to well that it is a loss, a terribly sad one, and you just have to try to take it Day by day..

[Michaelccc]

i'm so sorry about your loss. i can't say i know what you are going through because i have never gone through it i don't have any children.  But reading your post is really heartbreaking. i don't know you all i know is that i believe in God and i believe your daughter is in God's hands being loved and taken care of. i lost my aunt a couple of months ago to cancer and even . My aunt was basically like my second mother very close and even though she is gone from this world i know there is more out there and i can feel her presence still. please take care of yourself and i know i'm a stranger but if you need to talk i'll listen as will others in this forum