Still Miss my Brother

[wirewend]

My Brother passed July 20th 2004. His Birthday is Nov. 13th. He was 35 years old and he was my best friend. I still feel such a great shock most everyday upon waking, to realize that he is no longer here. He had cancer, Hodgkin’s and had just received his second stem cell transplant and passed due to rejection. I was sick too the whole time he was in treatment but that was one of the very things that made us so close. My Mom just passed June 6th this year of what I feel was a broken heart over my brother’s death. He was so loved, my oldest Daughter named my first Grandchild after him. I feel so darn lost without both of them. Being sick, going through the divorce from hell {he left because I am sick and he wanted to be intimate with other women he said} and now my younger Daughter is in a depressed state as well. It's almost as if without even saying out loud, we both feel like were being punished. She's in counseling, I am not as I tried like heck for two years after he passed to find a grief counselor and could not find one. Now I do not have the funds and my {hopefully soon to be} Ex hasn't paid a dime of her fee's so I am trying just to cover her counseling needs. And lastly, everyone has moved on, is it normal to still feel this strong of grief? I don't want to be like my siblings and forget my family and what we were, there's love attached to that, I feel. I hope this makes sense, Thanks.

[lostgurl]

im really sorry for your lose i just recently lost both of my older brothers in a car accitent in lucus ohio on march 16 08 branden and terry lee mcneal 21and age23 so i know its hard to let go of someone you hold so dear  but alway remeber god only take the most preciouse people in the world to become our angles some day and when you feel alone just always know that no matter what thay are alway there

[wirewend]

Tam, I am so sorry about your Sister and your Dad being sick. I am so grateful that you have been able to get grief assistance .We live about an hour from the city, Chicago. There is help there but I am unable to travel. These are those days, right before holidays, which get you. I find myself crying alot as Mom would always tell me how I am going to get better. Having just come out of walking pneumonia and a terrible sinus infection and being in the hospital and alone .I know she still watches out for me, with my Brother, but missing that contact and having no one else know how being sick feels, is a very lonely feeling. I got sick about a year into my Brothers cancer. They still don't know why my bone marrow is producing High white blood cell counts and platelets and the bone pain and weakness and skin rash. I tested positive for Lyme disease and was ruled out for Mastocytosis at the University of Michigan. They thought by my blood work and 3 bone marrow biopsies that I might have Leukemia, but said that it has not blasted. So, I am basically a person who has reactive bone marrow, to what, they are not sure. I try not to go near sick people as I did on Halloween because I can't fight off what a normal person can as easy. In the time Doug was sick I took care of him so it wasn't until the week after he passed I had my first bone marrow biopsy. I try to stay positive, and here's hoping this divorce mess will be over after December, as he has dragged it out over a year and a half. My youngest Daughter is slowly feeling better so that's the hope I cling to is her future as an Artist , collage and becoming the strong women I know she can be .I thank you for figuring that out , me being stuck on the day of his death , I could never quite acknowledge that I was doing that . And maybe , just maybe I can get past that day , to the next couple now , and it can help me in this sadness I am stuck in .He's all around me , you know . In my Grandson, in my youngest Daughter, in me and the things we both liked. His life meant something to me and continues to, even if the rest of the family has moved on. Thank you Tam , for your kind caring and I will be thinking of you and you Sister and Dad and saying prayers for you all , Wendy .

[girldirtbiker]

Darlin' hang in there!
My heart goes out to you with the loss of your brother and mother.
I lost my only sis May 4 this year, and my father is dying now.
I miss her, my best friend and always will. You have added stress with your husband leaving. Dont blame yourself for your divorce - he is the COWARD that bailed on you!
Can I ask about what your illness is?
I started greif counseling two weeks after sis died. I dont know where you live, but here in Oregon the hospital hospice offers conseling froups free to anyone. Check your area. They have been a GODSEND.
The part of grief that sucks is that you are stuck on the day of death - it is normal. Life is hard to go on. There are others going through what you are. You are not alone. You and daughter have a bond, embrace that. Be there for her, be strong - but you need your time too. I am a mother of a growen daughter (23) so I understand mothering. If you EVER nedd an ear - please email me. I would love to be your crutch in down times. My email is ***@**** - ANYTIME darlin, and I truely mean that!
Again, I would like to know about your health and illness...
~peace and grace
tam

[red_1986]

today is the 13th i truelly hope your hanging in there today my brothers birthday is next month he would be 18 years old i can hardly picture it. dec 29th to be excat good luck to you for real

[wirewend]

I thank you both for your kind words. His Birthday is always a very difficult day, I hope this one is better coming up November 13th. He was the good in all our lives, and I know he wouldn't want me feeling this bad or my Kids as well. It's a struggle, but people knowing how you feel make it less lonely in it, Thank you both for that, Wend.

[red_1986]

sorry i hit the send button twice

[red_1986]

hey i do UNDERSTAND!!! my brother was 14 and got killed on his bike aug. 8th 2004 he was my best friend. my mom went to prision and he was my glue he kept me ALIVE made my world he was the only man that was NEVER going to leave me. he was more of a man at 14 then any man i have ever dated. over 700 people showed up at his funeral and i live in a VERYsmall community so i was amazed but he touched everyone he met. i spent 2 hours in counsling today talking about him and an hour yesterday with my counsler (she is great) grief is like oceans waves to me some days stronger then lighter. i have dreams and nightmares about him always. sometime i wake up crying out of my sleep. its been 3 years and damn i feel like he was here just yesterday.

[red_1986]

hey i do UNDERSTAND!!! my brother was 14 and got killed on his bike aug. 8th 2004 he was my best friend. my mom went to prision and he was my glue he kept me ALIVE made my world he was the only man that was NEVER going to leave me. he was more of a man at 14 then any man i have ever dated. over 700 people showed up at his funeral and i live in a VERYsmall community so i was amazed but he touched everyone he met. i spent 2 hours in counsling today talking about him and an hour yesterday with my counsler (she is great) grief is like oceans waves to me some days stronger then lighter. i have dreams and nightmares about him always. sometime i wake up crying out of my sleep. its been 3 years and damn i feel like he was here just yesterday.

[SatinRed]

Hey there, I'm sorry to hear about your losses and all the things you are going through. It is absolutely normal to still feel grievience 3 years later.  Everyone has their own way of dealing with stress and sadness.  I really don't think your siblings forgot about the family and who you all were; I think they have their own ways of coping with the losses.  Maybe since you perceive that everyone is moving on, you feel more emotionally attached towards this situation in order to balance the emotional level for everyone around you.  There are stages of grief but there is no say how long it takes to go through them all, and it can start over again too.  I would still try to find a therapist if it fits your funds but if not, i think you'll be fine.