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363281 tn?1590104173

Why can't I get over my dear parents and best friend's death?

Hello~Wow, this might be long. For the past 11 years I have been going through so much sadness and loss, I just have to get it out, I am soooo miserable.

In 2005, my dear mother, who was my best friend, died after 8 years of battling heart disease. I never left her side, I stayed at the hospitals with her, talked to the doctors when she felt unsure as to what to say, I was like her nurse. My dear daddy put me in charge because he did not feel capable of doing all this as I was trained as an MA and he felt inadequate. It all started in 1996 when she woke me up saying she was dying, we had just moved into our new home and had no phone, I had to run down this strange street and use a neighbor's phone. After that, she was in and out of hospitals for surgeries and procedures. She had a double by-pass surgery and was in a coma from it for a week, due to a clot that got away when the doctor removed the hemostat from the carotid artery, we thought she would die, but she pulled through. After that, she had minor memory problems, so, she wanted me with her whenever she saw a doctor. She went through so much, more than anyone should have had to. Her last year, she had her left leg amputated above the knee, this caused an infection and that is what took her life. I feel so awful, she was in a coma for the last 3 days after they took off the machines, I was with her, but that night, when the nurse said I could stay because she probably did not have many more hours left, I instead went back, to my room, I was to tired and burned out, and, to be honest, I did not want to believe it. (I knew deep down she was dying though, all her bodily functions had stopped and her breathing was very laboured. Well, that night, about 2 hours after I left, the nurse calls my room and tells me mother had died. I so wish I had stayed with her those last hours, I just can't forgive myself, I know she would have stayed with me. I cry daily over it still. I loved her so. My dear daddy was devastated, they had been married 60 years.

After that, my daddy lost will to live, he was well for about 6 years, then his health declined very quickly, I could not get him to go to a doctor. I saw him deteriorate in front of my eyes. He got thinner and thinner, and had many symptoms of cancer. Well, one week, I had to be out of town for some health issues, etc of my own. I use to call him every night. That night, he did not answer, I am so damn angry that I did not go home right then, but selfish me stayed another day. When I got home, I noticed our curtains were still closed and the door locked, this never happened. I went in (my dear friend was with me, thank the Lord) we went into daddy's room and there he was on the floor with the book case and TV on top of him, he had probably been that way for at least two days!!!!! My friend stayed in the room and tried to help him, I called 911 right away, they came and told me they did not expect him to make it to the hospital even. I was beside myself with grief. How I wish I had come home right away. Well, they made it to the hospital, he was severely dehydrated and had malnutrition, I told the doctor that I tried to make him eat, that I made all his favorite meals, etc, but he wouldn't touch any of it for the last few months. They admitted him of course, ran all kinds of tests on him, gave him blood transfusions, tried to have him go to PT, etc. He was way too weak to do PT however, would not eat much, and it was discovered that he had a myeloproliferative disorder (a form of leukaemia) For awhile, we went to an assisted living home, but he got weaker and weaker so, they sent him back to the hospital. I tried to feed him, and keep his spirits up, but he got sicker and sicker. One night, he was in fairly bad pain, the nurse asked if he wanted a shot of morphine, I tried to block her from giving it, but she did anyway, she gave him a double dose. After that, he started to go into a coma, he would wake up a little and say "I love you" I asked who he was talking to, he said it was to me, but I wonder. His O2 sats were very low as well. Again, I should not have left that night, but I thought he would be OK, well, two hours after I got to my room, the nurse called with the bad news. (He died March 16 2012) I cried like I have never cried before, I should have been with him. I loved both my parents sooo much, now they are gone, I have no one, I am married, but even that *****, I want my folks, I need them. I hate holidays now, I am NEVER not depressed to some degree. I know I am being punished for not taking better care of my dear parents, but I did the best I could. Oh, how I wish they were still alive.

I married a man from New Zealand after daddy died. I moved over here about 6 months later, I was not ready now that I think back on it, even folks here say I am still grieving. To top it all off, my dear friend, who was with me during both my folks' death and other times, died September of 2013. I had not heard from him for awhile, so, I did a Google search and saw his obituary. Again, I was devastated, I still am. I do not know how he died, I was told in an email by a neighbour of his that he died sitting on his sofa, that he had a bad back ache and was using a heat pad. I say it was probably his high blood pressure and diabetes that got him, plus, he missed me as much as I missed him. He was too sweet a man to have died alone.

A couple of years ago I also found out that the home I had lived in with my folks was burnt down!! The person that had it after me apparently sold it to the hospital district, they in turn sold it to the fire district and they used it for practice for search and rescue and fire control. It was such a nice home too, on an acre of land, I loved it. When I found this out, I almost did die. I have been sent pictures of the lot it was on, man, it makes me physically ill to see it, not a thing is left.

So, I am grieving over my dear parents death, my dear friend, my home, and missing the USA. I feel like I am going to die a lot of the time. I cry daily, some days it is all I can do to carry on. I have talked to docs about it and friends, but no one can help me. My marriage isn't too great, we are in dire straights financially and we might have to take a form of insolvency. I have a ticket to return home this July, but, if we don't have any money to back me up, I can't go. I have an aunt I can stay with, but she now has a boyfriend (they are in their 70's) and he does not like me even though he has not met me. Before she met him, she was excited about my return, but now, she could care less. He has her on Cannabis, she does not need to be on it, but she does it for him. I actually have no one now. I am at my wits end, I don't know how much more I can take. I am a Christian, but my faith is weak as well.

I don't know why I can't get over all this, I am 59 for crying out loud, I try with all my might, but I just can't get over the lonesome feeling and missing them, I am miserable. I am blest to live in a nice house and have food to eat, etc, but I just feel horrible so many days. I want to get over it all, I do, but I can't, it is like a cancer that won't leave.

Thanks for letting me rant. God bless you all. Merry Christmas.
1 Responses
13167 tn?1327194124
SassyLassie,  I'm sorry for all your pain.  I read your story with interest,  because I'm a couple years younger than you and have also lost both my parents in the last 5 years.

To me,  that feels like I'm in a line on the ladder climbing the playground slide,  and people slide and slide and slide ahead of me,  and now it's my turn.  My parents have slid down,  and now I'm the next one in line.  

I wasn't with either parent when they passed either,  but I was with them through their illness and barely missed their deathbeds,  too.  I think they understand.  It's sad to think of someone dying alone but your parents weren't alone.  You stepped out of the room.  

I'm wondering,  though,  about the underlying cause of your inability to process their loss.  We expect to bury our grandparents when we are young adults,  and our parents when we are passing middle age - we all understand that's how the cycle of life works,  and that's the success you hope for.  You expect to enjoy your parents until you are older than 40ish.  

Do you have children and grandchildren?  Is it possible you're facing leaving this world without feeling like you've left a legacy?  I really think that would help you - if you figure out what you can do now,  to leave your mark on the world.   So you feel like your parents left a legacy,  through you.  
1 Comments
Hello RockRose, I do not have children or grandchildren, I was not able to have children and my first two husbands never wanted any with me anyway, now, I am too old.

I don't really fear not leaving a legacy, I never really even thought of it that way. What I do fear is no one to really love me or care if I am alive or dead, I have a kind husband, but, to be honest, I truly do not think he would be that upset if I died first.

I do know that I am very lonely now, I am from America, as I shared before, and living in New Zealand is not easy, I have some "acquaintances" but no one I can truly call a "friend" I have folks through my church (We are Salvation Army) that are nice, but again, I feel out of place with them. I want to return home, but I have no one that cares there either. Folks here, however, say I need to return, even if for a short time to have closure, I married and moved her shortly after daddy died, I think that was a mistake now. I love Christmas, but it is a very lonely time for me, but, I make the best of it for my husband and others.

Thank you for your reply. Merry Christmas to you. God bless.
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