how much stronger do i have to be

[sinster]

hello some of you know me as sinster . and ive posted here before about the lose of my brother gilbert age 37 in 87 to cancer. and the recent lose of my mom and dad one month apart from cancer to last year. but just when you think god ive been through so much with the many many loses of my aunts uncles some cousins all to cancer aswell throughout mylife how can it be more sadden? . well last night i was answered. . as i talked to my family via msn (which hardly happens since my family fell apartsince the death of my bro in 87 and more so with my parents deaths) plus i live in uk now for over15yrs:---( without any family cause they all in LA. i found out another harsh blow to my life. my brother Dino the youngest of the boys 34 has throat cancer and is very very ill. hes always struggled with bad kidneys liver etc. but this time its much more serious. :-((  to make the blow even tougher one of my neices one of many many neices and great neices may also have cancer. and it seems we are all being picked away one by one off this earth. i suffer from bi polar .. mania and other illness . i suffer from very bad overactive thyroid and im almost 7monhs pregnant with my little boy. but before that i suffered many miscarriages after my two healthy girls. 7 miscarriages in all. so  im trying to be strong positive etc. and yes there is a threat because of all the meds. and etc and my pregnancy history this baby will always be in danger . even up til and during birth. i have always been a strong person or so i seem. tough.. straightout dont care what people think and always real. my family seemed to think i was the strongest (whats left of the family) when my brother died as soon as he was buried i went to school the next day i was 17.  when my parents were ill and one dying in the hospital  and one dying at her home i was runnin back and forth betwee them both spending time with them no matter how bad they looked and it affected me alot. but i kept strong for them and my kids. while the rest of the family did what they always do best   run from whats happening. i had to sit there and lie that they were doing other things or very very busy wthmom at home or very far away to go visit my dad. he would lay there helpless in pain and unable to talk or smile etc and i would lie for them to make sure my dad was not upset by their selfish ways. i ate my tears and choked on my misery and swallowed my anger at the rest of the family. i would sit up for hours and hours on end sitting with my mom talking to her and bringin her meals and huggin her telling her i loved her while the rest left her to sit in her dark room dying alone. :--( i have always tried to be emotionless to others to not be hurt . not to show them i have feelings. i protect myself with my anger and what seems heartlessness at times now. ive always been that way to outsiders. but how can i keep this up? while i hurt and twisted with misery inside.  no meds dont work ive been bi polar sice 13 now im 37 and ive taken meds for half my life. no therapy god i hate and cant talk to anyone ive tried its not me. i have my music my loud sometimes sad music to take out my aggression. and my children and my unborn child to keep going on living. but this last few blws about my neice and brother.. they are choking me .. i cant express my feelings outwardly.. cause ill fall apart and i hate to show my kids and my husband mom and wife is not the hard as nails person ive always showed to be. ...does anyone out there feel this way like if they cry or give in to the grief they will fall apart?? am i alone in the thought that if i mourn or think about my dying family member i will crumble to the ground and not be able to pick up the pieces?

drowning in grief and misery and resent .. sinsterx

[suzi-q]

You have been through so much and it just continues.  I am so sorry for all your loses.  How much can a person take?  I don't know, but supposedly God never gives us more than we can take.  

You need an outlet.  You definitely need a place or a person you can go to for YOU to lean on for a change.  You put on your smile and work through each day to your best, but you need a place to break down...It is not healthy to hold it all in.  You have enough psychological issues already. You don't need to make it worse...Is there anyone you can talk to?  Someone you can just cry and scream to?  Someone to hug you?  Maybe your husband?  Any friends in England?  Maybe try a therapist one more time.  You need to do this for YOU.  If you don't you will not be able to hold it together for everyone else.

My prayers are with you.  And I am so sorry for the news that you have just heard.

[jml1986]

I know how you feel sinster, I walk in the same shoes everyday. I posted back in March about how much more can one family handle. I had just come from the hospital where I stood by my uncles bed while he passed away.

I come from two large families. Both of my parents had 11 brother and sisters. Both of them lost brothers when the brothers were just 2 yrs old, which means I had 40 aunts and uncles, and more cousins then I can count.

This means that I have had more funerals in my lifetime so far then most people will ever have. My dad being the worst. To give you an idea of what I go through on a yearly basis, the year my dad died, I had lost aunt in Feb. my dad died in May, I had another aunt that died the day after my dad, and I had an uncle die that Dec. There was also a year when I lost my grandmother, and an aunt, and while they were driving to the cemetery, my aunts husband died in the back of the limo.

It is very hard to go through this on a daily basis. However, my mom is the baby of the 12 in her family, so watching them all die is the sentence she must serve, and us being the youngest of the grandchildren, our fate will be much like my moms.

I wish I had an answer for you, but I too must face what you face, and how don't know how to get through it myself.