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surviving a granddaughter's suicide

I would like to hear from grandmothers who have lost a grandchild to suicide.  My beautiful granddaughter was seventeen years old when her despair overwhelmed and killed her on May 19, 2007.  Our family has been shattered, left to cry and wonder why...
Now all I do is cry and look for things to memorialize her. I don't want her to be forgotten!
The evening of the day she died is approaching and I find myself very apprehensive about how to deal with it...
She was my son's only child and the center of his universe.  He seems to want to immerse in his work and we do talk about her, but avoid talking too much because we cannot do it without crying.  
I mostly cry when I am alone which is most of the time...
thank you,
bea
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Avatar universal
Hello How are you today? I was thinking about you when I went in to this site. I am hoping you are trying and I mean just trying to find peace and comfort. It takes time and patience. Best wishes your family is in my prayers
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Thank you for responding to my post.  I continue to grieve... sometimes it feels worse than others... I still cannot believe my granddaughter is dead... I feel so sad when I think she was so full of despair and felt unable to ask for help to any of the loving adults that could have helped her....
It is good that you are moving on... I know that I have to, but right now it just seems too difficult.
I want to wish you the best with your new husband.  Finding love again must be very satisfying.  Your first husband will be forever in your heart, but it is good you have found someone to love again and to be loved.
Thanks again
Bea
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Avatar universal
I am so sorry for your loss. I know how devasting that is to lose someone to suicide. I had lost my fiance at the time Aug 30, 2004 he had hung himself in our house we shared and I had found him... It was devasting let me say the least, I didnt know what to do, i just ran and tried to get help I was historical, what do I do? Who do I call? After the funeral and the commotion had cleared I was left with a empty house didnt even go back in the house except to get my things and my cats, I had nightmares for a year straight and unsure how I even functioned. I had joined S.O.S. online Survivors or Suicide which is a suport group online, I went to a suicide support group locally at a church, I had many books looking for the answer which I came to a conclusion I wouldnt find it. Yes he did leave a note but doenst give me much hope. Its been almost 4-years and I just got married in April to my wonderful husband. Finding comfort is the best things you can do. I hope you can find comfort and peace within. God Bless
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Avatar universal
Dear Bea, I'm so sorry for you and your family. What do we do when "the worst" has happened? I don't know but I've found a few things that help a little. The most important one is being in constant touch with those who truly understand. Personally I haven't been helped by "in person/real life" survivors groups, maybe I'm just not ready, but I've found two online forums that have been lifesavers for me. I'll include links to them if you think anyone might be helped. One is limited to parents of suicides and is mainly composed of mothers but there are some men. I wonder if it might be easier for your son to "talk" through writing. It's a closed, private group, the moderator Karyl is a dedicated and extremely wise suicide survivor herself. She's made it her mission to help others. I think it's her way of honoring her daughter Aryln. Perhaps the anonymity of such a group might make it easier for your son to express some of his pain. Oh! It's Hell to watch them hurting isn't it?

I'm sure you've guessed I lost a child too and I know we're not supposed to "compare" our grief but I think having to see my son go through the loss of HIS child and knowing I couldn't stop his pain would be...well, I'm grateful to never know that. At least I can think of my baby "at peace" now. Here's a link to a memorial site I've made for him.
http://joseph-howell.memory-of.com/About.aspx

Making this online tribute has helped me also and now that the good memories are finally replacing the horror and trauma I go there often and "talk" with him by lighting candles. Parents from the group and friends "visit" also and pay their regards. It's surprisingly comforting at times.

I've run out of steam but I just had to try to reach out to you. If you need to talk please feel free to contact me. Tell me about your granddaughter, that helps too. In some ways I feel like doing so keeps my son alive. May you find some measure of Peace.  Jill Howell


http://www.suicidegrief.com/index.php    This is the "Friends and Family" group. It's not private so anyone can post and it's visible to the public but, with very few exceptions, it seems to draw a very compassionate and good crowd.

http://www.parentsofsuicide.com/ This is the parents group.  There's a link in the second box down to "join POS"
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332074 tn?1229560525
  My heart breaks for you for 2 reasons. 1. May 19th is the day I lost my dad. 2. Suicide is the hardest death to get over. I stated in a post to another poster whose brother had committed suicide, that I come from a family where 16 members have committed suicide. None of these deaths have been easy to accept, however we now know why this happens in our family, and most families are not that lucky. Ours are due to a genetic mental disorder, but sometimes treatment either does not work, or is too late.
  Your son sounds like he deals with grief by pushing it aside and keeping busy. Not everyone can do that. When I lost my dad (sudden heart attack), I wanted to talk about him all the time and I did. I know that I made some people uncomfortable because I would cry, but I need to talk about him. It made me feel like he was still apart of my life. I felt so alone, like everyone just got to go on with their lives after the funeral, and I was still dying inside. So, I talked and I cried as much as I needed to, and didn't worry about how it made others feel. My dad will be gone 9 yrs this May 19th, and I still have days where I just break down and sob, but that is okay, we have to keep living, but we don't have to forget them to do it.
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Avatar universal
Thank you for your response and your prayers.  I need as much support as I can get.  I do go to mass and pray for her.  I am still wishing her back and cannot take that night away from my mind.  
Thanks for your kind words.
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Avatar universal
I am so sorry for your loss.  I can imagine how devastating it must be for you.  It is just not the natural order of things and it kills you inside.  My aunt lost her son last year (from a heart operation-he was 51) but losing a child or grandchild has to be the most devasting loss of all.  I know that she continues to grieve as if it were only yesterday.

When my parents passed 7 years ago I know that the first anniversary scared me so much.  I found that, however, the days leading up to it is much worse than the day itself.  We become so scared how we are going to react that it consumes us.  I know that my loss is much different, but I know that grief is grief...and loss is loss.

I would suggest for you to go to mass or whatever spiritual ceremony you can have to remember her.  Pray for her, remember the wonderful times, and know that she is in peace now.  No more turmoil in her mind.  Just peace.

I would also suggest that you and your son need to talk about her more.  I know that it will be met with many tears, but that is the best way to move through grief.  Feeling it and letting it out.  Eventually, over time, you will be able to speak of her and remember her will a smile and not so much pain.  Just "pretending" that it doesn't exist  will only hinder both of you from moving forward.

I also suggest grief counseling.  I joined a great grief group for adult children who lost their parents.  It was the most theraputic thing that I ever did.  Being around people who share the same experiences as you makes the journey a little more bearable.  Knowing you are not alone in your feelings is so helpful.  I would suggest your son do the same.  At those meetings we laughed and cried, we got angry...every emotion..and it felt so good to just let go.

I will pray for your family at this very difficult time and pray that God grants you all strength comfort and peace.

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