How Do You Prepare For A Positive Result?

[Ilyas521]

I'm a 28-year-old gay man currently overseas without access to HIV testing. My last (negative) test was in mid-January in the US where I live. I'm returning to the US soon and plan to get tested immediately because I'm worried about hearing bad news. I’ve had a drinking problem because of depression, resulting in a few nights out during which I blacked out during portions of the night. I've gone through my calendar carefully and know that I made it home in one piece most of these nights. But on February 11th I vaguely remember texting outside a gay club at around 3.45 AM, then waking up at home the next day not remembering exactly how I got home. My bank account said that I paid for a cab at 4.45 AM, but since the club is far, I must have taken the subway too. I don't remember how I got home, so it's possible that I was raped or did something risky with someone even though I didn't feel any soreness and had all my belongings with me at home. Also, on April 16th, I drank too much at a friend of a friend's party and passed out in the bathroom. He says that he found me there, dressed me, and that I started kissing him (I don't recall this). I then remember coming fully to consciousness again in his bedroom with him and a friend of mine. I had some brief unprotected oral sex with them and had insertive anal sex with one of them with a condom, which I specifically asked for. However, I don't know for sure whether this friend of a friend didn't do something to me while I was passed out in the bathroom or at any other point before the bedroom. I didn't feel soreness or pain anywhere. But I can't be absolutely certain that nothing dangerous happened. They both say they’ve tested HIV-negative recently. No ARS symptoms. I feel guilty about abusing alcohol and will seek counseling when I return. But I worry that somewhere in these drunken hazes I was raped or engaged in unprotected anal sex without recalling it. How do you prepare for a positive result at a clinic?

[Dr. Jose Gonzalez-Garcia, MD, MRCGP, PhD]

Hello,
Thank you very much for your post and welcome to our forum.
You obviosuly have a serious problem with alcohol and it is certainly good that you are acknowledging this.  
I think that it is highly unlikely that you have performed any high risk sexual practices including unprotected penetration without recalling it.  In addition to that, it would have had to be with someone who is HIV positive for you to be at risk.  Therefore I do not believe that you need to be too concerned as I feel that it is highly unlikely.
Obviously every time we have a HIV test, there is always the possibility that the result might be positive, but one has to put oneslef at risk in the first place, and this is not very clear in your case.
Anyway being HIV positive is not the end of the world and people's lives do not change that much.  Prognosis is good and life expectancy is more or less as that of anyone else, if treatment is started when needed.  HIV has almost become a chronic condition like diabetes or heart conditions.  In any case, I am sure that that is not going to be the case with you.  The lesson to learn from this is to be more careful with alcohol in the future.
Best wishes,
Dr José

[Ilyas521]

Dear Dr. Jose:

I realise now that my fear and anxiety have gotten the better of me in thinking all the time about this. I have quit drinking and plan to keep it that way. Thank you for your helpful response.