I am a white heterosexual female that recently tested negative on my annual STI screening. I have been dating a male friend after casual contact for many months. At the end of our first date, after kissing goodbye (more than 'social' or 'casual' kissing), he told me that he has been HIV+ for 10 years, has been 'healthy' (no serious infections), and has been on ARV therapy for a year. I began to research levels of risk and safe activities for us that exclude sex (penetrative or oral-- we've agreed to keep sex off the table). We have been seeing each other routinely for 2 weeks.
I first discovered that "deep kissing" is not considered a mode of transmission by many medical experts, but that there are certain government (US and UK) websites that address this as "low risk." He and I have engaged in deep kissing, and neither of us have sores, cuts, or wounds in our mouths. Can you please clarify the risk in this since I have found conflicting information? Next, after learning that mutual masturbation is not considered risky, we decided to try that. Continued research however, again because of conflicting information, confused me about risk here as well. I kept my panties on during the episode, in which he brought me to climax through rubbing over my panties. Because neither he not I have open cuts or sores on our bodies (including hands), he did not wear a condom while I provided a hand job. My question relates to precum-- my panties remained in place during the episode, but his hands, which may have had precum on them, briefly brushed my vulva twice as his fingers slipped under my panties. Can you please describe the risk involved here, (the frequently noted point that "HIV does not live long outside the body" is rather vague), and suggest how to reduce risk during mutual masturbation in the future? I am trying to be as safe as possible, and would like to know if I need to get tested. A respectful thank you for your time.