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Cannot Remember - Anal Rape/Sex
Dear Dr, 30/hetero/male. Don’t drink/take drugs. Been battling HIV phobia for past 3 years. Have a high sex drive & addicted to porn. So it has made my HIV phobia worse. Only recently I stopped watching porn & masturbating at the same time. But I think I am now infected after a recent event. Here is my story – hope you can help make sense of it. I was out a few days back walking around the vicinity of my house. I had gone to the housing office, was there for a couple of hours & then made my way home. But after reaching home, I realised that what should have taken only 5 mins to reach home took me around 30-45 mins. I have no idea where I was in that period of time. I just can’t seem to rationalise it. I have since been having flashbacks that I might have been anally raped by someone whom I may have passed by on the streets. I have a recurring image in my mind of a guy ramming his penis into my ***. I also seem to imagine that a gay male could have taken me into his house or a secluded area during that 30-45 mins & raped me multiple times. As I’ve been battling HIV phobia, my mind is weak and stressed (made worse by reading stuff on internet & watching porn) & so I am unable to rationalise whether I was actually raped or allowed myself to be raped. I cannot separate imagination from reality. I also feel I am in denial on what could have happened. My butt has since been very sore, farting a lot, can't excrete & my genital area is very itchy. Before I could see whether there was blood/faecal stains in my underwear (or wet), it was already put to wash by my aunt. I know that I was wearing triple underwear, my clothes were as it was when I left the house; pant zip was not open, and neither my wallet nor money in it was stolen. I am worried I could have contracted HIV from this high-risk episode if it took place. I live near a red-light district. Over 8000 people out of 5 million are infected with HIV in Singapore. Do I need a HIV test? Does a HIV duo test suffice? Thks!
MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL
No comment. You need mental health care to address this business, not HIV prevention advice. This thread is over.
Thanks Dr. A final comment from me here. I know you are not a mind-reader, but I hope you can oblige through some words of assurance. Some things which I can remember:
a. I don't remember talking to anyone when I made my way home from the housing office apart from the clerk at the office. I did pass by two people who stared at me, but I did not talk to them.
b. Even though I was stressed (and even cried profusely) from reading too much about anal sex and HIV on the internet while battling my HIV phobia, I don't believe I went to anyone's house or to any secluded areas although my weak mind is conjuring scenarios that I probably did. I also do not believe I had an erection.
c. All my belongings that I brought out with me were still with me when I returned home. My wallet with all my money (including a coin in my pocket) were in tact. So was the book with a couple of papers in it. I should have at least lost something in my possession, but everything was with me when I got back home.
d. I live in a private estate so I was within the compound. I don't believe I went out of the compound to go somewhere that is risky. I don't think anyone in the compound was going to do somthing like that and is HIV+.
e. I was wearing triple underwear, and as far as I can recall, my anus was not wet although it felt sore (maybe in my mind). I have not seen any bleeding although I am suffering from constipation, and my anus is itching quite a bit with faecal stains when I wipe it with tissue (could be piles). My pants were also not unzipped, and neither was my shirt unbuttoned.
f. My one worry are these moving images in my mind about being anally raped multiple times although I have no idea who was doing it. Could be from watching too much porn. My other worry is that 30-45 minutes which I cannot account for although it is possible I got my timings wrong.
If I were to come to you with the above thoughts, would you perhaps still suggest I go for HIV testing? If indeed I was penetrated by a HIV+ male, is there any chance I could not have been infected?
This will be my last query. Hope you can help me. Thanks.
a. I don't remember talking to anyone when I made my way home from the housing office apart from the clerk at the office. I did pass by two people who stared at me, but I did not talk to them.
b. Even though I was stressed (and even cried profusely) from reading too much about anal sex and HIV on the internet while battling my HIV phobia, I don't believe I went to anyone's house or to any secluded areas although my weak mind is conjuring scenarios that I probably did. I also do not believe I had an erection.
c. All my belongings that I brought out with me were still with me when I returned home. My wallet with all my money (including a coin in my pocket) were in tact. So was the book with a couple of papers in it. I should have at least lost something in my possession, but everything was with me when I got back home.
d. I live in a private estate so I was within the compound. I don't believe I went out of the compound to go somewhere that is risky. I don't think anyone in the compound was going to do somthing like that and is HIV+.
e. I was wearing triple underwear, and as far as I can recall, my anus was not wet although it felt sore (maybe in my mind). I have not seen any bleeding although I am suffering from constipation, and my anus is itching quite a bit with faecal stains when I wipe it with tissue (could be piles). My pants were also not unzipped, and neither was my shirt unbuttoned.
f. My one worry are these moving images in my mind about being anally raped multiple times although I have no idea who was doing it. Could be from watching too much porn. My other worry is that 30-45 minutes which I cannot account for although it is possible I got my timings wrong.
If I were to come to you with the above thoughts, would you perhaps still suggest I go for HIV testing? If indeed I was penetrated by a HIV+ male, is there any chance I could not have been infected?
This will be my last query. Hope you can help me. Thanks.
MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL
The duo test is 100% reliable 4 weeks or more after the past exposure. A negative result at that time would show you definitely were not infected.
Thanks Dr. I am sorry to put you in a situation you cannot help. I have also shared this with my GP, and he has given me anxiety pills. I have also shared this with my uncle, and he also does not believe anything happened - he feels I am imagining all these things. He tells me that if I was indeed raped or had sex, I would know about it, whether I had a weak mind or not. But of course, I am under extreme anxiety, and cannot seem to rationalise the situation. I believe I am doomed if such an episode did indeed happened. All those years battling my HIV phobia may have finally become reality. Would perhaps the 28-day HIV duo test suffice even for a possible high-risk situation like this? Thanks.
MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL
Welcome to the forum. Unfortunately, I really cannot help. You are asking me to judge whether or not an event occurred that could have put you at risk for HIV. From the way you describe the situation, and the state of your HIV phobias, I suspect nothing risky happened. I doubt you need HIV testing, but you were there and I wasn't. If you genuinely believe you were violated in the manner you speculate about, of course you need HIV testing. But probably not.
Regards-- HHH, MD
Regards-- HHH, MD
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