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Avatar universal

Dating and Oral Sex with HIV Positive Male


I am a 28 year old male.  I met a guy who I began dating.  We went out and engaged in kissing (including open mouthed kissing) and unprotected oral sex (both giving and receiving).  He did not ejaculate in my mouth, but I did taste some pre-cum.  I did not brush or floss before or after the incident.  I rinsed with water only.  I asked him if he was HIV negative and he said he was negative.  

We went out a couple of more times and he subsequently told me that he was indeed HIV positive.  He said that had recently been diagnosed and that his HIV specialist said that his “levels were where they needed to be at,” but was going to begin having him take the pill regimen to get his body use to it.   While I am intellectually aware that our actions did not pose a significant risk for HIV, I got a Rapid Oral Swab HIV test at 4 weeks to ease my anxieties, which came back negative.  

After discussing the situation with him, I decided to begin dating him.  We have not had anal sex, but we have had mutual masturbation & kissing.  My questions are:

1. How risky is unprotected oral sex with pre-ejaculation being involved since I was the giving partner? How about with a condom?
2) How safe is kissing (including French kissing) with mouth abbrasions?
3) Is mutual masturbation safe? Even if he stroked my penis and touched my genitals after he had touched his penis that had pre-cum?
4) HIV cannot be spread by casual contact. How about through scratches?
5) While we have not engaged in penetrative anal sex, is proper condom usage effective in preventing HIV or does a chance exists that HIV can be spread even through correct condom usage?  While we have not done that, this is a concern since sex is an aspect of any relationship.

He has been understanding of my concerns and fears, which is why we are taking it one step at a time because we are being as responsible as we can be, but his HIV status is a concern nonetheless.  

I eagerly await your response.
4 Responses
300980 tn?1194933000
Welcome to our Forum.  I'm glad that your partner was (belatedly) forthright with you and am likewise glad to hear that he will be taking HIV therapy.  Besides the benefit of the therapy for his HIV to him, it appears that persons on successful HIV therapy are also statistically less likely to  infect their sex partners than persons who have higher amounts of virus in their blood because they are not on therapy.

Let's work through your questions:
1 and 2.  We probably receive more calls about HIV and kissing than any other topic.  Kissing is no risk, even deep kissing and even with flossing or gum/dental disease. The quoted figure for HIV risk, if one has oral sex with an infected partner is less than 1 in 10,000 and, in my estimation that is too high. Some experts state there is no risk at all from oral sex.  Neither of us on this site have ever seen or reading the medical literature of a convincing instance in which HIV was passed by oral sex.  This includes by all of the people who had gum disease, etc.  Condoms further reduce the infinitesimal risk of infection form oral sex, if such is possible.  

Distinctions between pre-ejaculatory fluid and ejaculate are not appropriate. Both have HIV in them and thus both a potentially infectious. While in any person there is likely to be less HIV in pre-ejaculate than ejaculate, because of huge person-to-person variation in the amount of virus present, one person's pre-ejaculate could well have more virus present than another person’s ejaculate.  

3.  No one has ever gotten HIV from mutual masturbation in which there was not also sex.  This is the case despite the fact that it is usual for persons with HIV to get each others' genital secretions on each other in the course of mutual masturbation.

4.  Nope, not through scratches either

5.  Condoms are highly effective at preventing HIV transmission.  when condoms break, as they do about 1% of the time, there is risk.  There is no reason to worry about infection with anal or any other form of sex when the condom stays intact and is put on before penetration.

Hope these comments are helpful to the two of you. Having a partner with HIV does not need to preclude a satisfying sex life, particularly when appropriate precautions like making sure your partner is on therapy and using condoms for ano-genital contact are followed.  Take care. EWH
Avatar universal
Thank you for your reply. It is very helpful. Just to follow up, oral sex with pre-cum is still very low risk, correct?  Having had a Rapid Oral Swab test 4 weeks after oral sex exposure that came back negative is a good indicator i would guess.  

Also, do you know of any percentage figures of condom effectiveness if used properly in preventing HIV transmission?

Thank you.
Avatar universal
Just to answer your last question..read #5 from Dr. Hook it answers your question.
300980 tn?1194933000
thanks Vance

Oral sex is oral sex.  It is all very low risk, with or without pre-ejacualtory fluid and/or ejaculate.  EWH
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